Sunday 9:45 p.m. several months ago
I have worked hard all weekend to get caught up with the housework including every last stitch of laundry. I head in to bed, exhausted when I'm greeted by this:
The dreaded basket of mismatched socks
I need to make a confession here. I do not always sort our socks. Usually I just let everyone fend for themselves in search for socks every day but this weekend was different. I wanted to start the work week at zero. This meant I wanted EVERYTHING organized and clean. I felt a bit deflated at the site of the socks but knew I had to get them done so I dumped them out onto our bed and began "balling" socks. Duke finished packing lunches for the following day and entered our bedroom:
Duke: "What are you doing?"
Chief: "Uh...balling socks" duh
Duke: "Are you serious!" whining
(keep in mind, he does not see the point of house cleaning)
Duke: "This is what I can't stand about you!" (yes ladies, that is what the man said) "EVERY night, just as we get into bed you decide to start some huge project!" (EVERY night? What a moron!)
Chief: SILENT, RIGID, INFURIATED pulls each and every one of his socks out of the basket and dumps them here:
on Dukes side of the bed
So some may be wondering at this point. What does she do? Does she hit his shiny round head with a metal baseball bat? Does she pour gasoline on his toothbrush? No. I am much more mature than that. I gather my socks and head for the living room where I proceed to ball socks. Now I'm not sure what I expected at this point but it wasn't what I got, that's for sure!
5 minutes later
Duke shuffles in: "What are you doing now?"
Duke: "You're pissed"
Chief: Silent this is going to get ugly
Duke: "Are you coming to bed?" (I am not making this up my friends)
Chief slowing looking up: "I am balling socks"
Duke: "What about all of my socks?"
Chief: "Are you kidding me?" incredulous
Chief: "You can @%&!# your *!@%$ socks!"
Duke taken aback: "I don't know what you're mad about."
Chief: "Maybe it's that you said you can't stand me"
Chief: "Who tells their spouse that there is something they can't stand about them? Who does that?"
Duke: "Oh. I'm sorry, I just...uh...ya know...uh I just wanted to go to bed"
Chief: "So you told me you couldn't stand me? You thought that was a good idea?"
Duke: "I said I'm sorry. You tell me if I just apologize that you won't be mad anymore. Well I did it so can't we just go to bed?" (wow! I am married to this guy and he's 46 years old)
Chief: "Just go to bed, I'll come in when I'm done balling socks"
Duke shuffles into bed
5 minutes later
Duke shuffles in again: "So do you want me to bring you my pile?"
Chief: "Didn't you hear me? Let me make it more clear. As long as I am alive I will never, ever ball another one of your socks!" pausing to breathe "Let me put it another way in case you're still not getting it. Unless you do it them yourself, which I'm fairly certain will never happen, I can guarantee you that you will never have another pair of socks balled the rest of your life! Got it?"
Duke shuffles back to the bedroom mumbling: "I just think you are being a bit harsh. I said I was sorry"
10 minutes later
Chief finishes balling hers, Bud's, and Booger's socks and heads into bed, praying Duke is asleep. No such luck. He's apparently not quick enough to realize he should at least fake sleep at this point. She crawls into bed and turns so that her back is facing him.
Wait! What is that? He's actually attempting to pat my behind! What the....!
Chief: "Tell me you aren't touching my butt?"
Duke: "What? Isn't it over now?" (I pray for my boys and their future wives each night knowing they have inherited this man's lack of intuition)
Chief: "Let me just tell you, it will be days before you can safely touch any part of me. You screwed up buddy and you have some work to do."
Duke: "What else can I do? I said I'm sorry, what could I have done differently to fix this?"
Now, all women know what he should've done. It is a no-brainer. I contemplate whether it is worth it to help him at this point. Do I tell him and maybe he'll retain some of what I have to say for the next time he screws up? Or do I just save my energy and let him continue to blindly grasp at straws? I decide to give in:
Chief: "What you should have done is the minute you saw that I had left the room, you should have picked up your pile, come into the living room sat down next to me and balled socks. Or better yet you should have let me go to bed and balled every single sock yourself!"
Duke: "Oh Man! That would've been romantic as hell wouldn't it? I messed up that one big time!"
Chief: "Yes, now turn over and go to sleep and think about what else you can do to make this up to me."
Duke softly: "Are you really never going to ball my socks again?"
Chief: "Nope. And get your hand off my butt."
It's a good thing I'm a patient woman