Today, I went to hell. I don't mean I had a bad day and it all "went to hell". I'm saying I actually woke up this morning, planning to go to hell. I've been told that my version of hell is supposed to be good for you, supposed to make you live longer, feel better, look better....I'm callin' bullcrap on the whole lie people. I admit, I haven't been to hell much in my life but the maybe dozen or more times I've ventured there, I have reaped none of these 'so called' benefits. This week, due to the fact I am gainfully unemployed for the summer, I decided I would start utilizing the membership to hell I paid for almost 6 months ago.
Here is how it went....
Time Stamp: 9:30 a.m.
In bed, looking up at the ceiling, wishing I didn't have to go to hell. I laid there making deals with god. I promised I would never eat another bowl of Ben & Jerrys, in fact I would cease to eat anything at all the rest of my life if he would just remove the tonnage from my waistline without sending me to hell.
Time Stamp: 10:30 a.m.
In my recliner with my laptop checking e-mails. Maybe, just maybe, the school has an emergency and I need to go in and rescue them.
Time Stamp 11:00 a.m.
I've got my tennies on. Thank goodness Maggie is exhausted and resting comfortably on my lap. I mustn't disturb her. I will just surf the internet for a while. Maybe there are some deals out there I missed.
Time Stamp 11:30 a.m.
Did you know they have a lounge at the gym? With a big screen T.V.!?
Time Stamp: Noon-ish
I go upstairs to see my torture apparatus of choice. I refuse to work out if I can't use this machine. It has a 'sit down' seat instead of a regular bike seat. I'm fearful that the regular bike seats might get permanently stuck in my crack. I become hopeful "Maybe someone will already be using it and I will get to go home". Crap! No one within 100 yards of the cardio room. (I also use the excuse that if there are skinny, tanned women in the cardio room, I can't work out because they will make fun of me.)
Time Stamp 12:05 p.m.
I'm on the apparatus from hell.
Some old lady with flip flop sandals, dress shirt, and linen capri's comes in and eyeballs me the entire 25 minutes I'm living in hell. Obviously she wants my machine and I'm prepared to beat her down in order to keep it. Age is not a factor. I want to say "Come to hell in something other than your picnic attire lady and maybe people will take you more seriously." I do become very volatile and mean when I sweat. I'm sure she thinks of me the same way that I look at the tan, skinny women who run the treadmill at a 60% incline on level 15 for 90 minutes.
Time Stamp 12:40 p.m.
Time to refuel.
Hey if they sell this stuff in hell it must help you to reap those benefits they are so adamant about harping on!
Time Stamp 12:55
Hey, It's a crystal light, don't be a hater!
Time Stamp 1:15 p.m.
I finally found a small piece of heaven
Yes, I took a picture of myself naked in a tub. Whatevah! I'm looking mighty fine after that workout it would be a shame not to share it with the world.
12 crazy comments. I'm still waiting for yours!:
Oh my gosh I am about peeing my pants laughing at this! You kill me!
PS your links were awesome! :o)
You are too funny! Call me in the evening and I will join you some time. Peter can watch my kids and it will go faster with someone to chat with. Love the nudie pict. by the way. You and LeShel get more bold every time I turn around. :)
Oh my gosh! I was laughing so hard while reading this that the kids ran downstairs to see what was so funny. I love it! I am so proud of you!
i loved the links!!
i've been to that exact area of hell before. after Anthony was born i would show up there in the AM and watch the Ms. South Jordan workout. Oh the hate I felt!!!
way to go with the tub picture!
Oh my goodness - you totally make me laugh! I have been there and done that and have been thinking I need to my butt in gear and start again. Loved your links - you did an awesome job on putting that post together!!
Hoping the summer is going well!
Kristi
Stumbled upon you...can't remember how...but you are freakin' hilarious! Read all your "favorite posts"...I'm a follower...forever. Too funny!!
If you stalk me, you'll get bored...my blog is just out my kids...but they are dang cute!
Visiting from Heather's EO!
Love the documentary feel to this. Next time vlog it!
Oh I just love you. This is so great. I was here and read it when you left the link and I thought I commented, but I think I'm losing my mind.
That's because I just started going to the gym :)
You are my NEW FAV BLOGGER!!! FOLLOW!!!
A day in the life of Chief....
funny! I have a hell too, but it's not nearly as well furnished as yours! It looks like a big empty carpetted basketball court.
Just found your blog. Linked to this post and am LMAO!!! I'll be back.
We have similar versions of hell. Only mine has the bike seat!
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