Tweenager for Sale or Trade

So I guess I've screwed up my kid. I must have because he used to be so compliant, respectful, and responsible. He came to us nearly perfect and I've messed him up. Now he is a smart mouthed, disorganized, 12 year old who is unfazed by consequences or idle threats of consequences (I do try to follow through with my threats, even if they are illegal and result in years of therapy. Duke on the other hand, has a follow through problem). So maybe Duke should be blamed for screwing him up, not me.

The only reason I am posting this latest debacle in parenting is so that when Bud has kids and he has taken them up on the roof, dangled them over the side by their pinkie toe because they mouthed off, punched their brother in the groin, or blew off an entire half quarter of school, he will remember that the apple does not fall far from the tree. So this is actually not meant to humiliate, rather it is a favor to him that he will reap the benefits of far into his adulthood. For this I say "You are welcome, son."

So these problems have been ongoing for several weeks and he has slowly lost privilege after privilege until last week when basically all he had left to call his own was bottled water (we do live in Riverton), wheat bread (for the fiber), and a pair of stained underpants (no explanation necessary). I logged in to the school website to check his grades when to my dismay I discovered a "C" in math. We don't get C's. In fact, up until this year, Bud was not happy unless he had straight A's. Hormones and stupidity have set in this year and he struggles for every single A, but never, ever have we had a C at any time during any quarter, in any year of schooling. Not accepted. So Duke and I rallied the parental troops and tried to come up with something else we could eliminate from his life. "Maybe replace the underwear with a women's pair", I ask? "No", Duke says..."that is a bit extreme". "Feed one of his testicles to the doberman next door?" I suggest. "Nah, then he'll just have an excuse not to work and that defeats the purpose of the lesson" he replies.

So we decide to take away "dad time". Bud loves his dad time. They go play racquetball at the gym, run errands etc. anything to get away from Chief's to do lists. So no gym until the grade improves. Until yesterday...

I did a grade check only to find not just a "C" in Math, but a "D-" in Literature. In fact, the only A he has is in Choir. Did he misinterpret our conversation last week to mean "insert you head farther into your sphincter?" Hmmm.... This calls for drastic measures. We call him into "the parent bedroom" (this is serious and he knows it) to question him regarding his lack of intelligence. "Guys, trust me, this is a BIG MISTAKE! There is no way I have a D- in Lit."

"O.K. dear son, we will wait on the public lynching until we confirm the actual status of your grade in the morning." My thoughts were, why would he deceive me, I mean tell me he is lucid enough to realize that I work at the school and have multiple resources at my disposal to ensure complete honesty....NOPE! Within minutes of our arrival at school we verified with his teacher that he indeed had mustered up barely enough pubescent brain juice to keep above an F. I called Duke. (This is where things get interesting and where you might want to take notes Bud.)

Duke left work, drove across town, stormed through the front doors of the school, marched down the hall to Bud's Literature classroom, excused himself in front of the entire class and yanked him out into the hall for a reality check. Imagine the look on his face as he made his way into the hall bracing himself for what was inevitable.

I spent my entire day checking in on his classes in 20 minute increments. I stood at the door way glaring sharp laser beams of fire into his forehead until he turned a sufficient shade of embarrassed purple. I have also set up a tracking system where he is required to take a note to every teacher in every class that verifies 1. He turned in his homework 2. He is aware of tonight's homework 3. He succeeded in keeping his pie hole shut during class. Although he is not happy about our new plans for rehabilitation I think he might finally grasp the idea that this is a fight he can not win. Once a doberman has a hold of your testicle, you are just going to have to give in and let him take it.

Hopefully, the past 24 hours' happenings will have a lasting impact and the memory will be seared into his cerebral cortex. If not, I feel I have no other choice but to go shopping for lingerie and make friends with the neighbors dog. I have also posted him on Craigslist FOR SALE OR TRADE. Will trade for a used sturdy piano. Will sell for $1. He can mow the lawn (if he wants to) take out the trash (if he remembers) and load the dishwasher (with very few busted plates and a few melted tupperwear lids).

They didn't give me a manual when I left the hospital ready to start this ridiculous journey 12 years ago. I really shouldn't be held responsible for for the damages incurred due to hospital staff negligence. I am ready for him to get married now so that he can be his wife's problem to deal with. After all, that is what my mother in-law did. Hopefully his wife will do as great a job as I have transforming Duke into the amazing specimen he is today.

NPA's 1st Annual 5k/1 Mi. FUNdraiser

Today was Navigator Pointe Academy's 1st Annual 5K/1 Mi FunRun/walk and FUN is right! I was in charge of handling the cash so I couldn't participate in the actual run/walk (this was such a blessing...no one needs to see that kind of movement that early in the morning).

I talked Duke into taking Booger and Shawna's younger kids on the 1 mile so that her and her husband Vince could run the 5k. We had challenged Vince to beat Mrs. Farris (school director) as she is a conditioned runner and Vince is just pure badass. I almost called in my predictions to Vegas that Farris would prevail but I'm glad I didn't. Vince beat her by less than a minute.

I promised Duke that if he helped with the young ones it would give him an excuse to walk and take it easy. When the starting gun went off the kids BOLTED off the line and he had no choice but to start running....

I giggled to myself as I wondered if he would at least make it around the bend out of sight of the roaring fans before he dropped onto his face.

Bud 5k Booger 1 mile

Adi, Marti and Julia showed up with Bud and I early (7:00 a.m.) to help set up and boy were they excited! Way to go ladies! You looked pumped! (truth be known Adi felt a bit guilted into participating in the first place but I think she held her feelings well, don't you?)

I was so proud of Bud for finishing the 5k, he trained for a month beforehand and Mrs. Farris was so glad to see some of her Jr. High students getting off the couch to join her in her love for all things physical fitness.

A few pictures of our friends who encouraged our kids to keep going. I love the staff at NPA, and I am so grateful for the quality friends the boys have found there.

1st: Duke,Allyson Pierce,Vince,Shawna,Bud,Mrs. Riches
2nd: Mrs. Stoll and her son Jarom (she carried the flag of Scotland over the finish line)
3rd: Bud and Braedon
4th: Mr. & Mrs. Riches, Miss Johnson, Miss Anderson, Miss Miller
Last: Mrs. C., Mrs Stoll, Ms. Atwan, Mr. Riches, Shawna

What a great morning! We had pancakes after the run and a silent auction. In total we raised over $9000 for our school and strengthened already strong bonds of friendship with everyone.

I can't wait for next year, maybe the temperature will crawl above 45 degrees as my toes were solid ice when I got home. I took a hot jacuzzi bath and went to bed, I was unconscious for 3 hours, woke up just in time to eat dinner, blog and go back to bed. I wonder who is going to sneak in while I'm sleeping and do my Saturday chores?

Boys and a Barn

~Journal Entry~
I am doing a lot better today...although you can't totally fix stupid in one day.

So yesterday on the way to Herriman for Booger's piano lesson we stopped at this old dilapidated barn. I have seen this barn dozens of times over the years and have watched it lean further and further to the side, wondering when it will finally give and become firewood. So yesterday we were early for his lesson and I was feeling adventurous so I stopped the car and told the boys to get out and go stand by the barn so I could take some pictures for our Christmas card next year.

They begged me to let them go inside and explore...I was very leery as you can see this is not a stable structure. We found this old window and I told them to hurry inside and peak through. I implored them not to touch anything for fear that they would jar the splinter that was holding the roof together which would require the jaws of life to extract what remained of their bodies from the rubble.



I knew I was going to do a few of these in sepia so I asked the boys not to smile so they would look old fashioned like the pioneers they thought this idea was ridiculous... so from that point forward everything was hysterical to both of them. As we know from yesterdays debacle I didn't have a lot of patience so they weren't as funny as they thought. Of course this is usually the case.

Bud was writhing in pain at one point after I forced him to sit on a sharp tree stump so I could get "the perfect shot". He finally fell back screaming that the log was jammed in his butt. What a wimp!
"Get up on that stick and shut your mouth!"
"But mom it hurts my nuts!"
"Give me a break! If you would stop laughing and be serious I would already be done!"

So after 15 minutes of yelling, laughing, threats of no dinner, and a few scrapes and bruises...I may have a decent picture for this years Christmas card. I kept my favorite one a surprise for those of you lucky enough to get one.

I'm sick of stupid

For those of you who are under the assumption that I am perfect, brace yourself, your world is about to crumble.

Sometimes I get mad. I don't always have to have a good reason, I just decide that everything and everyone makes me angry. Today I am mad. I should be working but I have burnout and I have decided to be mad. I'm trying to figure out what I can do to pull myself out of the funk I'm in. I called Duke to fill him in on everything that makes me mad and he listened intently and then carefully asked if I had PMS. That makes me mad! Do I have to be hormonal to get mad? I told him I was quitting my job. He asked me to please not hit any of my coworkers, wait a few days before giving my notice and we will deal with the issues then.

I am sick of stupid! Why are people stupid? Why are they permitted to make my life more difficult because of their stupidity. Like government...they are stupid and they make me pay to try to patch up their stupid handiwork. Occasionally coworkers act stupid too...they can't think for themselves, plan ahead, or carry on coherent intelligent conversations. I suppose I've been hired to make up for their dumbness. Did I sign on for this? There is only so much of me to spread around! Pretty soon I will be stupid, tax poor, living on 2nd south, mentally incapable of holding down even the most minimal of stupid jobs due to the constant brain drain inflicted from years of others ignorance. Meanwhile, dumbness will continue to spread and inflict our children for generations to come.

I want to say I am sorry to those who don't allow the word stupid to be used in their household and have been subjected to this stupid post...we don't use that word at our house much either, we use idiot and dumbass.

I have so much I need to work on in my life to reach the perfection that I expect from others...

Please pray for my husband and children tonight.

BTW...I LOVE TO BLOG!!

This one ROCKS!

I tried to get fancy with my new found html knowledge and ended up with a mess. I spent a ridiculous amount of hours working through it and I LOVE this layout! Adi, you will be happy to note that I will keep this one for a while. I will be working on the header but they are alot trickier to do so it will be a while...I'm hungry and need some sleep.

P.S. If the layout looks wierd for you, I would appreciate you letting me know as I have found out that when you get fancier, the size of your monitor makes a HUGE difference on how the elements look.

Family update:Booger played outside in the new found sun for over 5 hours yesterday and has sun stroke (fevers, chills, nausea etc.). While the weather was beautiful, I need to get back on the sunscreen regimen. He is on the mend this morning with Solarcaine and Motrin and an ample dose of Spongebob Squarepants.

Bud went to scout camp Friday night. We have the greatest scout leaders. They go once a month overnight and the boys have a blast! They ride on 4-wheelers (eek!), shoot guns (double eek!), and cook over the fire...I'm grateful there is someone who will do this for Bud as we are don't have the energy to do it ourselves. We prefer the Holiday Inn.

We are headed to my moms for dinner as we do nearly every Sunday. I guess the Jazz game is on so I will take my laptop and work on my header.

Where is Everyone?

So I know I don't have a HUGE list of blogs that I follow, but what is up with you all? Do I "over blog"? Why is no one else updating their blog? Y'all are pitiful. Do you truly have nothing you can write just to keep my life interesting? Look at the crap I am managing to dig up. Take pictures of your groceries as you put them away, your bathroom before you clean it, the T.V. as your watching your faves. Get with it and blog something for heaven sakes! Sheesh!

P.S. I'm not talking about LeShel, she is my mentor blogger.

I am absolutely amazing...or very sick

So I spent my entire night learning how to make my own blog background and html template. (I know, I know...it's an illness).

I'm not sure I LOVE the one I made but now I know how to do it myself and I have all of my digital scrapbook files so the creative possibilities are endless. I will now make sure to change it often just to drive Adi up the wall even if it means no sleep and a liquid diet.

BTW...I would be happy to make one for whoever is bored enough to read my posts and comment often to boost my blog ego.

For those of you deeply concerned...I will be working on my new matching header soon.

B.B.A.D.D.

I have recently diagnosed myself with a disease. This wouldn't be a surprise to Duke as he is used to my self diagnosing. WebMD and Chief are like two peas in a pod. One time I had a horrible pain in my hip and Mr. WebMD narrowed my symptoms down to only one devastating diagnosis, Multiple Sclerosis. I was devasted! I immediately made a Dr.'s appointment in hopes that by getting on medication early, my progress would be slowed. I limped in, paying close attention to the handicapped entrances and ramps knowing someday this would be my lifeline to the world. I sulked in to see Becky (our nurse practitioner) and broke the news to her. She smiled, asked me a few questions poked my hip a few times (this sent me through the roof) wrote down a few things on her pad, gave me a pat on the head and told me I had bursitis! I was shocked! "Isn't bursitis for old people and fat people?" (I immediately regretted the question as I lumbered off the exam table trying not to catch my skirt on the OB/GYN stirrups.) She smiled kindly and told me no, even athletes get bursitis. Take two horse pills a day for a month and I will be good as new. I was cured! It was a modern day miracle! To this day I rarely get a flare up of my MS-like bursitis. I have had to go underground with Mr. WebMD as Duke would like to knock his head off.

Anyway so my new disease is BBADD. Yes, I am aware that the acronym spells bad with a heavy stutter. I know you're dying to know what this stands for and I'm going to tell you, but keep in mind, there is no known cure, and although it isn't always contageous, it does affect the ones you care about. Blog Background Attention Deficit Disorder...phew, I said it. I can't stand my blog backgrounds for longer than a few weeks. I may have to figure out how to create my own because it seems the free ones you can get from designers are all either too pink, juvenile, or gender confused. I may go the Leshel route and stick with white. Bear with me while I work through the adjustment phase of the illness. Donations can be made to my paypal account to help offset the cost as the only cure may be to pay for a custom designer.

A Man in the Making

Bud had an assignment in Health class that I can not tell a lie...I dreaded to my core. He was supposed to cook an entire meal for the family. He came home from school last Wednesday all pumped up about it and made an elaborate menu (all of which I vetoed due to cost and the fact that I am mean). He had shrimp cocktail, steak...etc.! Not going to happen my friend, This is not La Caille! Anywho, I immediately thought about how supportive mothers would deal with this and considered being one for once and then got light headed and decided the best way to handle it was to pretend it didn't exist. We have 5 whole days right? I'll deal with this after a few good days of sleeping. Well, Saturday came quickly and we were at the store picking up dinner for Easter Sunday when, like a rush of nausea, the memory was back...oh no, what am I going to do? Can I leave the country? Withdraw him from that over achieving school? Maybe Duke would let me stop by the liquor store on the way home. We decided to pick up what we thought would be easy, relatively clean, ingredients for a meal that included all of the food groups. Bud would just have to be happy with what I was emotionally ready to allow. Here is a few pictures of the process:

He was asking me which end of the turkey was the butt. "Try smelling it son." I had him rinse it and pull all of the innards out. He was NOT impressed! I might have made a vegetarian today.

Rhodes Cracked Wheat frozen roll dough. Now I have a Bosch and I have my wheat grinder but we are keeping it real here.

Keep in mind that Duke is diabetic so we had to be very creative with our menu. No Potatoes, no cranberries, no pie. After the turkey and frozen roll prep I was exhausted and went to take a nap. Duke stepped in to help him with his secret diabetic cole slaw recipe. I was not coherent enough to take pictures so you'll have to let your imagination run.

The finished products. "Mom, what is this red thing?" "It's the bird's pacemaker son. That's how we know the bird is dead" Note to self: $100 in the kids therapy fund.

I had to add this one if not for the sole reason that Booger is smiling and that is a rare treat. He has the entire drumstick and he is munching on it like Fred Flintstone. That is reason enough to smile, however, truth be known, he was admiring the sound the kitchen chair makes when you break wind. Notice the 4 rolls on his plate. he would've had 6 or 8 but we forced him to eat more than 1 food group. It is Easter for heaven sake. (oh crap! Is that my unfolded laundry in the background? Man! I usually catch these things before publication!)

Dessert was very good. It may sound crazy but you shouldn't knock it until you've tried it. Sugar free, low fat vanilla ice cream, Fiber One Caramel cereal (gotta stay regular), strawberries, and fat free Cool Whip. I think they even added a bit of Adi's special sugar substitute (Thanks again Adi). A diabetics dream.

So I survived the whole ordeal virtually unscathed and Bud now knows how to make a turkey. So far no one has become violently ill so I can add a notch on my "mom belt" for a job well done.

Just one more thing..."How many more hours until I can go back to work?"

Easter Bunny and Halloween Pumpkins

So we have worked out a deal with the Easter Bunny to visit us on the Saturday preceding Easter Sunday. This is a tradition that was passed down from my family when I was a child and it is one of those things that just stuck when the boys were born. We worked so hard on the gas line yesterday we forgot about finding both of the kids baskets. As we stumbled into bed we grabbed the first thing we could find...

The bunny looks like he had a difficult time shoving all of the dollar store finds into the pumpkin. Bud's Easter outfit had to take it's place to the side. We giggled to ourselves as we went to bed wondering what the kids would say in the morning about the combining of Halloween and Easter. We giggled again today when we realized that they didn't even notice.

I have always felt that Easter Sunday is a day to focus on the Atonement and Resurrection of our Savior. I look forward to spending time with extended family and as an added bonus, Nascar is preempted on Easter (poor Duke). The past two years have been disappointing as my parents have been out of town and Lindsey and Jay (sis & bro. in law) have shared Easter with his family. I whined a bit to my mom again this year about the abandonment and she gave me a free turkey. This helped quiet the sobs a bit. We will spend another quiet Easter spending time with the kids and admiring our new stove. Hopefully the weather will cooperate and we can take a walk.

Cooking With Gas

So I am happy to announce that the we have not been char grilled, asphyxiated, or sent to orbit around the sun. I wanted to get pictures of the process as it unfolded but I was too embarrassed about the hidden diseases we were harboring behind the oven and in our basement. I would have had to scrub everything down first so that my housekeeping abilities (or lack thereof) would not live in infamy long after I am gone. Here is a picture of our new (used) oven. If you look closely you can see the grease dripping on the wall behind the stove. After seeing this picture I immediately tackled them with the SOS pad. ~sigh~ at least that corner of my world is clean.

You will also notice that we had our CO detector handy. We actually had to replace our old one due to neglect. Did you know that grease and dust inhibit the ability for the device's sensors to work correctly? We had the fire extinguisher buried in the bowels of one of our cupboards. I decided we should keep it VERY close for a while, not that I doubt our workmanship in any way.

This DIY project was fairly uneventful...just 4 trips to Lowes, 2 temper tantrums, and $150. Far less than the $500 the professionals wanted us to cough up.

Possible Goodbye

Duke and I have never shied away from do-it-yourself projects. They usually turn out great as long as I am heavily involved in the process as Duke (bless his heart) is not one for attention to detail. So after my parents gave us a practically new gas stove several years ago we are finally going to install it (our old electric one is terribly dirty so I feel it's time). We received several bids and decided there was no need to pay someone else hundreds of dollars in labor to run the gas line when we were sure we could find an old person working at Lowes to help us do it ourselves. This is just one of this weekends projects and in case it doesn't go well...

GOODBYE

If you happen to be in the area for your own safety and the safety of our ward members please refrain from lighting up.

Loves,
Chief

Look What I Did!

We got so much done this weekend!

I love this feeling. Since I began working I have never felt such pressure to have productive weekends. The problem with this is that I am usually so exhausted by Saturday that the thought of having anything on an agenda makes me real grumpy but this weekend we HAD to accomplish many tasks.

1st~Our Bed
Duke has nicknames for just about everything and his nickname for our bed is the "snuggle sack". This is really and oxymoron because once I get ready to go to sleep there will be no touching whatsoever (you thought I was going to take this opportunity to call Duke a moron didn't you? Shame on you!). Anyway, I can't even stand having him facing me because I am afraid he is staring so I make him turn over. Years ago a friend of ours told us about how her and her husband don't even share the same blanket. We were newlyweds at the time and we were mortified at the thought. After a few more years, a few more pounds, a couple of dogs, and two kids, the thought grew on us and we decided to try it. HEAVEN MY FRIENDS! We bought a king sized snuggle sack, two blankets and the rest is history. Well, the mattress we purchased at the time, we bought from a sidewalk sale for roughly 250 bucks (we were poor and this was a great find). It was a Serta and it had mismatched box springs. It served us well for at least 6 or 7 years but then things started to go down hill. Every few months springs would start protruding and invading our private parts so we would flip, spin, flip & spin trying to get every last night out of our bargain basement mattress. We did this for another 4 years until finally this week I had enough and Duke admitted that he actually slept better when he was out of town in hotels (this is why his need to travel has increased so much I am sure). So I started looking for yet another deal. We knew we wanted a nice pillowtop mattress, we were going to pay cash, and we weren't going to spend one more night playing wack-a-mole with our bed springs. We talked to friends and family and found a few liquidators and overstock places and set out with Adi's trailer and moms Explorer until we found a great mattress place in the ghetto. We got a mattress for us and a set for Bud for $750. This meant we had to come home and take apart a bunk bed haul all the old beds and mattresses to the dump before dark. We kicked it in gear, cleaned all the bedrooms, cleared out all the old beds and got back from the dump just in time to head to Sams Club for sheets and bed frames. We were exhausted but it made the first night in our fancy new beds even more wonderful!

2nd~The Pantry
My kids call this "the food closet" and it is always a disaster! I am not sure why this is. It's plenty big enough for our needs it just always has stuff flying out of it every time I open the door. Sugar, cereal, dog bones, empty boxes, you name it...jump off the shelves and spill at my feet at least once a day. I completely freaked out this afternoon and I cleaned it:

3~The Refrigerator
No nickname for this one, sorry. So why am I the only one who notices when something is dripping down the shelves of the fridge? Why am I the only one who notices that the jar of pickles has been knocked over and is spilling rancid smelling juice and now the string cheese is swimming in it? Why am I the only one who puts the cap on the gallons of milk? These are real questions I ask myself all the time. The most important questions is: Why am I the only one who gets disgusted enough to clean it out?

4~My Car
Duke calls all vehicles "crates". Don't ask me how this came about, I have no idea. My car is always a mess. The backseat has chicken nuggets, rotting chocolate milk, half eaten breakfasts (both Boogie's and Julia's), Booger's half written songs, half drawn album covers for his impending release on the billboard charts, etc. Well, I can't take full credit for the cleanup cuz I actually took it to Supersonic Car Wash and paid them to do it. I hope the young kids who work there are current on their shots.

5~The Dogs
I really shouldn't repeat Duke's nicknames for our dogs as they are not appropriate for this forum (or any for that matter). I took the dogs to the groomer this weekend. I LOVE it when the dogs come home from the groomer. Their teeth are brushed and the crusties are out of their fur. Little 7lb. Maggie is the worst. She definitely doesn't realize she is a dainty white puppy as she rolls around in mudd puddles, digs through the bathroom garbages or chases the neighbors large labrador retriever through the horse stables next door. Here's what $35 will buy at the groomer. Note: Moose's panic disorder does not allow for me to take pictures of him very often. Today was no different as he would not come out from under the bed once he saw what my intentions were. Here's Maggie with her bow still in her hair:

It feels so good to cross items off my to-do list. Spring Break is this week and I have a few things already on the "schedule". I'll keep you posted on how that goes after I see how well I do eliminating them. The only problem now is I have a whole new list waiting for me at the school in the morning. That list never gets any smaller. Such is life!