Let's Get Real 2009: Perfect People Lie.

One of my blogging B.F.F's (O.K. so I'm not her BFF, I am her Fatal Attraction, put out a restraining order, buy a gun, kind of BFF. BTW I think she's on to the 24 hour surveillance I have on her house.) Seriously when she posts, I get an adrenaline rush so bad my toenails ache. Anyway, she challenged her readers to get real this weekend and snap some photos of their living conditions to prove that perfect people are liars. I was all over this like a white on rice! Anytime I can call someone else a liar to make myself feel better about my imperfections, I will be first in line. (k, I wasn't first in line, but that was because I was so tired last night I couldn't pull my ass off the couch to find the camera). Well, because I would do anything to make her like me for her, I completed her assignment, and I am posting it for the world to see. Remember, this is not supposed to embarrass me, but to make "perfect people" feel bad about themselves like (Adrianne). So let's get going with the fun, shall we?

"OMGoodness! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!"
Phew! ~wiping brow~ It's just the carcass of a sweet piece of corn on the cob resting on the carpet before it finds its way to the trash bin. I got scared there for moment that is was something bad.

So I know you are all saying "Pshaw...Chief, what's wrong with a bit of compost in the living room? Nothing, really...so let's move along...

Ah the tooth brushing station. I have two children, why are there three brushes? Wait! Is that the dog's toothbrush? I have a question: If the brushes are in the bottom of the sink, and we wash the poo germs off in the same sink, where do the poo germs go?

Still not ready to call the C.D.C? Let's keep going then....

Hmmm...Duke used the laundry basket to clean up garbage. It looks as if, once again, the pets have found strength to topple it to get their daily dose of Cheerios and a shot of Coca Cola (who can blame them). Is that an empty bag of popcorn? Another question, did he not see the holes in the basket and realize that this was not an efficient refuse container? The least he could have done was use a can liner so that when he left it in the middle of the kitchen floor, the bits of food would not have sifted out like a colander all over the kitchen.


It's just getting good so let's not stop now


The weekly laundry pile...on the kitchen table...on top of the stash of school supplies...with a full backpack placed like a cherry on top. Isn't my centerpiece lovely though? Do you see it in the background? Yes...that's it. It's a good thing I have one coz it looks awesome.


Gaining momentum now.

Kitchen counter top. Where to start? How many cereal boxes are actually in this picture? We have Subway sandwiches, stack of mail, sweaty football helmet, new prescription, lunch box and random box of something I am sure is Duke's.

After the last picture I took a break and opened a can of whoopass on the family about how disgusting we are and how, if the cops came right now, they would put me in jail, Duke in a mental institution (obviously), and the kids in foster care with perfect people like (Adrianne)! "Do you want that?" I screamed. Do you know that she doesn't own a television? There are no video games over there...they read books and sing songs and do service for people all day long for entertainment! Oh, and another thing...she doesn't eat meat! How does that sound?" (I think the meat thing is what brought everything to a head. They realized this was serious.) Bud immediately started on the kitchen and Boog picked up the indoor compost pile while I tackled the laundry. Just when I thought I was done taking pictures of things that weren't supposed to embarrass me, but make me feel better about myself, I saw this:

Didn't Bud just clean the kitchen? I think he missed a spot. I am at a loss for words. I am so proud that he can be imperfect with the rest of us. A chip off the old block.

Wow Amy, you're right this was fun. I have never been so proud not to be perfect in my life. Maybe tomorrow I will blog about my other imperfections like the ability to consume 3000 calories in less than 5 minutes, sleep for 12 hours only to wake up long enough to eat and then return to bed for a 2 hour nap, or another fantastic flaw I have of speaking inappropriately in social situations where I am not able to stop before I have cleared an entire room of people. Just think about how great I will feel. I totally can't wait. Thank you so much! Only a true friend would do this for me. I knew we were meant for each other!

(BTW, you might want to close the curtains before you practice the macarena in your bikini... I'm just sayin'. Just in case someone was watching... with a telephoto lens. Just in case.)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In honor of Shelle at Blok-Thoughts I thought I would showcase a few of my funniest comments from My Goat Fetish Post. These made me laugh so hard I may or may not have become incontinent:

Melinda said - So that totally weirds you out? Because I totally had a dream about you last night, where you were riding a pink goat and all you were wearing was a tutu...I woke up screaming, I'm going to be honest with you.

I have really vivid dreams too.

HalfAsstic.com said - I've been meaning to tell you I have been having this recurring dream about you and Mr.Greenjeans of Captain Kangaroo fame. It's really not appropriate for me to tell you what happens here, but if you want to know I have an 800 number you can call and "I" can tell you all about it. ;-)

Brandice - I clicked on your blog and "the dog" (we call him Sparky), who is the mascot of the "naughty stuff we don't want our kids to see on the internet" blocker, BARKED repeatedly at me while I was reading this post. My husband heard it and said, "If you're going to surf porn, could you please not do it while I'm trying to watch football?" Just wait, I'll probably have a dream about "Sparky" and a goat getting "cozy" at a ballet recital or something. Thanks for the imagery.

I totally ♥ my readers, followers and especially those who take the time to comment. I will highlight those that make me pee so you all can share in the fun coz I'm nice like that.

I am afraid I have a goat fetish

So I had a parent at the school run up to me today and announce that she had a dream about me last night. She was so excited to share this with me yet all I could say was,

"heh?"

You know how it is, when people tell you they are dreaming about you? You are not sure how to respond. My usual reply is:

"Hey! That's awesome! What was I wearing?"

I think the whole thing freaks me out because I, myself have twisted, psychotic dreams that involve farm animals stay with me for days and I would never dare share them with anyone. They certainly aren't things I would ever bring up in casual conversation. I just don't think it's tasteful (and you know I'm all about classy here at my bloghouse) to go up to someone and tell them?:

"Hey, I had a dream about you last night."
oh great...
"Yeah, I caught you making out with a pink goat in a sparkly tutu?"
receiving blank stare but continuing on anyway...
"I tried really hard to pry the two of you apart but you insisted that you liked your ladies unshaven, and the goat wasn't protesting too loudly so...."

(wow, I can't believe I came up with that...I am so sorry y'all, it must be time to pluck my goatee)

Anyway, if anyone has any advice that I might be able to use the next time someone feels the need to give me all sortsa heebie jeebies over what happens inside their pot filled heads when the lights are low and they are in a drunken stupor nothing but their skivvies, it would be greatly appreciated. Until then I guess it's best if I keep my fetish fantasies to myself (You're welcome).

P.S. and remember, if you are dreaming about me, please keep it to yourself, I'm way too busy to hear your tale (I have to go see if there is a goat for sale on Craigslist).

I can't help but think of the hits this post will get from the Google Search creeps....fetishes and goat love?

I think I might be dying....(yes again, but this time I'm totally serious)

I have a problem (Leave it alone Duke, I know I left this wide open for you).
"Every month" I get this:

Men, you don't need to cover our eyes, it's just my pinkie finger

Under my fingernails are actually clean, I promise. The white stuff is the special steroid cream.

It's insane but right about "this time every month", my eczema flairs on my left pinkie fingertip. You know how they say there are more nerve endings in your finger tips than anywhere else on the body? (My boys say this is B.S. coz they've been kicked in the nuts and they are sure there are way more nerve ending in the groin, but whatever.) Anywho, I think I might be dying from it because it cracks and bleeds and it hurts super badtastic. I've tried the prescription creams and everything else I can google think of but it doesn't get any better. Then, about 10 days after it starts... poof! All Clear. WTF! (F stands for "frigg" BTW. I don't want to offend anyone else).

So I am asking. Does anyone have any suggestions? Because (and I'm not trying to freak anyone out here) if this continues, I may have to hang up my blogging hat for the 10 days of flare up each month. I can't risk bleeding onto my keyboard. In case you haven't figured it out, the craziest crap happens during "those 10 days" of the month for Chief (have I told you how I washed my trash and in turn, put my laundry in the garbage can out on the curb to be carried away by the big noisy truck? I ruined a perfectly good washing machine with tampons, Q-tips and other unmentionables) Believe me, you would hate to miss out on it. Please Help. For premenstrual bloggers everywhere.

P.S. Don't bother trying WebMD, MayoHealth, or any other google site...those avenues have been exhausted (trust me). I'm looking for some hillbilly back woods, grandma's secret remedy, Amish concoction that stinks like hell but works like magic. In fact, if someone comes up with the winning potion, I will totally send them something cool and worth at least $5! I'm serious! Five Bucks!

UPDATE: It looks like Duke wants to stick his nose in my business yet again. Can't he just let me chastise him in private? I've decided to leave it up to those who matter most...YOU! Please vote at the top of my left sidebar and let me know what you think I should do?

Yes, it is a squeegee (I can not make this crap up people)

Went in to talk to Duke and found him doing this:

I know y'all are saying to yourselves "This is got to be a joke".

To that I would say, "I wish it was...oh pulease, let this all be a joke."

As you can see my friends, he is using a squeegee to scrub the bathroom floor. When he noticed my flabbergasted expression the conversation went something like this:

Duke: "What?"

Chief: "Are you kidding me right now?"

Duke: "About what? I'm cleaning the bathroom like you asked?"

Chief: "It's a squeegee."

Duke: "Yeah isn't it clever? Now I don't have to bend down as far." (everyone remembers the knee post, right? if you don't, you gotta go there next)

Chief: "If you used the mop, you wouldn't have to bend down at all, you dumbass!"

Duke: "Oh, yeah, well I broke the mop while I was cleaning the bathtub."

Chief: "I need a cocktail. Tell me again why Mormon's don't drink?"



I wondered where my mop had gone! I should have known he was CLEANING THE BATHTUB WITH IT, FOR HELL SAKES! I assumed it had to be out on the trampoline with all of the broom handles and fishing poles (the boys like to sword fight, until someone gets stabbed in the eye. The resulting screams and chaos mean I never see my stuff again. Then a few days later I hear Bud run over them with the lawnmower, but that's another post).

Anyone know how to remove specific genetic markers from children's DNA? I feel it my duty to fix the boys before I pass them on to their future wives.

What's for dinner? Mmmm...soup

I know, I know! I already posted today but I had to just show all of my friends why I am having poodle-mix soup for dinner.

Don't let their guilty expressions win over your sympathy. They are in BIG TROUBLE!

P.S. Bud, don't worry, when you get home from football practice the mess will still be here...all over the house. Next time, when I say take out the trash, I mean take it OUTSIDE and place it in the TRASH CAN! Do I have to spell it out for you son?


P.P.S Blogging world, I debated whether or not I should pick up the mess, mop the floors, and then return the trash exactly the way I found it before I took the picture so that you would not see the dust on my floor. But, then I decided that would be lying.

Word of the day "Dumbass"... and I won something!

Some of you may not think Dumbass is one word (blogger doesn't). In my house it is so try to play along.

My feet hurt so bad I am wondering if it's possible to die from plantar fasciatis. (who knows how the hell you spell it, I just know it hurts like a mother and I am too exhausted to google it. I tried to see if blogger had the correct spelling, but of course it is totally dumbass stupid.) So what was I saying? Oh, yeah bad feet. My feet are totally nasty. I refuse to wear open toed shoes for fear I might frighten young children with the odd proportion God gave my toes. I also have eczema, and a missing toenail from a hangnail which grew from the depths of hell and overtook my whole entire body foot... and yes, I really do have the plantar-fat-she-eye-tits (there, much better). So I usually walk like I have an icicle up my crack because I am trying so hard not to fall on my face and knock my front teeth out. While we are on the subject, I also have bursitis in my hip. I know you are all laughing your butts off because bursitis is an old person's disease. Well you can all kiss my (dumb)ass because it is also a fat person's disease (so there). It seems that the extra 500 100 pounds I have carried around since giving birth to a child the size a large midget little person has really taken it's toll. On top of all that, it doesn't help that when I was a toddler, some dumbass Dr. convinced my mother that I had crooked legs and I must have them corrected immediately or else (ironically enough) I might walk like I have an icicle up my crack. So they put me in full leg casts, braces and other torture devices, only to over correct the whole damned problem and now I walk with a freakin' waddle which puts extra stress on my hip joint and therefore, BURSITIS and icicle crack! Dumbasses.

What he hell was I going to blog about today? I have no idea. Ah yes, I do have some news:

HOLD ON TO YOUR SPANX LADIES (and gentlemen if you wear them)!

Today it finally happened. I almost pooed in my pants. I received my first blog award.

I am so honored. I am also double honored because it was presented to me by my long lost sister Penney (I decided we must be related after reading her blog). There are quite a few rules that go along with this award and we all know that I am totally not one for following the rules but I am going to do my best...for Penney. I ♥ Penney.
Rules:
1. Thank Penney. I think telling her I love her should cover that one
2. Copy and paste logo. Done (and I did a much better job than Penney did with this one)
3. Link to Penney. Uh...yeah, been there done that
4. 7 Things people might find interesting about me. Isn't the rambling earlier in the post interesting enough for you people? Let's see. 1. Plantar-fat-she-eye-tits 2. Eczema 3. No toe nail 4. Bursitis 5. Tortured as a child 6. Disproportionate toes 7. Icicle crack See. Seven. Things.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers see below
6. Link to said nominees yup
7. Comment on all nominees blogs so they know the have been nominated. I agree with Penney, they should have to visit my blog to find out they have been nominated, however I will respect the original wishes of the award creator and do it just this once. I would hate to piss off the blog award God's the first time I have one bestowed upon me. (plus this is a painfully long post and they might not make it all the way through)

So here are my nominees.
1. Amy @ The Lawson's Did Dallas she is seriously one of a kind
2. Miss A.@ My Name is Brayden and My Dad's a Mexican now that school is about to resume...the fun will begin
3. Kristina@Pulsipher Predilections Coz she has a Jack Bauer button
4. Melinda@Banter, Buffonery and Bloggy Blather because my kids thought I had a picture of a disabled lady on my computer screen when they saw her profile pic
5. Jillybean @ Thou Shalt not Whine for her awesome comments that keep my Zoloft doses down
6. Heather@The Extraordinary Ordinary I will link to her friend post specifically. It is amazing.
7. LeShel @ Reality Hits the Fan because, well...she's LeShel and she inspired me to blog.

Thanks again for the award, I will display it proudly. I am now going to go bite my toenails.

A Glimpse into the Future and Some Fresh Blood for all "Bloggaddicts"

Life is a bit upside down right now. The next few weeks are sure to be a whirlwind with the staff and students returning to school. I actually love being crazy busy and although I may sob uncontrollably, cuss like a sailor, and punch a few high maintenance teachers in the larynx, I really do anticipate the first day of school every year like it is Christmas. Not to worry though, I will not forget my blogging duties coz, we all know this is the place I come to let it all hang out. (we all know how sexy it is to see a plus-sized woman let all of herself hang out)

Anwho, now that I've aired that tidbit of randomness.....

Hold on to your baby fat rolls ladies, I have some news for you!

I finally talked this "friend" of mine into starting an anonymous blog so that I can humiliate her through my sarcastic and degrading comments (I know, I am so excited too, but you have to read on to get the all of the details). Her family blog has been around a while but it is private because she's a freaky paranoid liberal Democrat (oops! did I say that out loud?). Pretend I never said that. Anywho, so I always leave her lots of snide comments love on her private blog but what is the fun in that when no one interesting is allowed to read them?

Please go visit her so she won't give up on it and force me to go private with her again. The site is brand new so there is only a few postings and her blog background is tacky, but it's a start and I will do what I can to mold her into the blogging goddess humble blogger I have grown to be.

Find her here. And remember, she is a little mentally unstable so don't use her real name if you have figured out her true identity, otherwise we will have to re-institutionalize her and I'm fresh out of funds as a result of her last breakdown. Don't forget to come back and tell me what you think!

(Keep in mind, I get $10 for every follower she acquires in the next 3 days and I will be sharing the proceeds with everyone in the form of ColdStone gift certificates (not really, she is way too cheap and I would never give away ice cream, you should know that by now).)

"Peeing tornadoes" out of the "crack" in my "boobs"

I was messing around in my site meter account and came across a few humdinger searches that people have typed in only to end up (I'm sure in disappointment) at my blog.


Latest search: "I have to pee"
I can only hope this fellow Google fan got the help he/she needed. Google sent them to this post (we all know what this post is about) so now we can only pray it was a dude who searched for help because if it was a woman, she now thinks it's O.K. to frequent the men's restroom and look at strangers bum cracks.



Most popular search phrase "Kids Boobs" (I have several of these, unfortunately)
I got a little freaked out by this and went through my entire blog and changed my kids real names. Many of these buttholes were actually listed as out of the country, but it still gave me great pause and convinced me that no matter where they are residing, they don't need to know who we really are. The post Google seems to pull up for these worthless pedophiles is this one . I may need to change the title to keep them at bay. My only solace is that when they do end up at my little site, they stay less than 20 seconds when they realize it is my cellulite riddled body they have found. (hopefully the sight of that cooled them off a bit, or better yet, the very thought of me buck naked made their man parts shrivel and fall off)



The funniest one was "Tornadoes in Utah in 2009" (I also have several of these)
I got a real good giggle out of this one and almost snorted my diet coke through my nose. For those of you "outa towners" Utah doesn't have many tornadoes due to our geographical makeup. 10 years ago we had one though and it ripped right through downtown. It was pretty impressive considering the rarity. Anywho, I guess it's the 10 year anniversary of this great event and everyone went to their dear friend Google to find out more only to end up at this post where I talk about the tornado that hit my house when I left my kids home alone. Hysterical. Now even meteorology guru's have seen what a pig I am.

Part of me wants to change the settings in blogger so that I am not listed with search engines. Then I thought better of it when I realized this is a true form of entertainment for me and I don't get out much. I'm gonna think of a real good title for this post so I can attract as many crazies as possible. Maybe "Crackheads for President" or "Mommy will you wipe my crack?" Then I get the pedophiles and the druggies. Man, I hope they leave a comment.

Do you touch your momma with those hands, son?

Last night we had to go pick up Bud from Scout Camp and day early (something about "but mom! if I don't make it to weigh in's on Saturday morning, I can't play in the first game!" meh..whatever). Anywho, so we made the 6 hour round trip jaunt and picked up his nasty self.

I had to take a picture of this for all you Bud fans
(and no, it isn't about the food):

Just look at the condition of those fingernails, not to mention the entire hand he is eating his dinner with. I doubt he washed his hands the entire 5 days he was there. I have sent Duke to Costco for T.P. in anticipation for the onset of diarrhea (needless to say, I almost lost control of my own bowels at the sight of his living conditions. This isn't girls camp people).

Note: The dinner was actually tasty (I must have looked famished after the grueling 3 hour ride so they let me have some).



I am so depressed... I lost all of my comments (like 100 of them over the past week) due to some s#@t for brains tech nerd who just knew he could fix my comment problem. I am going back to bed.

Lettermanlike Top 10 List --- Life without an adolescent

My boys are friends. They really are. We all love each other, we really do.

Bud is at a week long scout camp and I have to say we are managing fairly well. I asked Boog if he missed his brother today and he quickly replied "Is Bud gone?" Very funny mister. (Of course he misses him)

I feel it only right to dedicate this post to what our world is like with out him.

Lettermanlike Top 10 List of what we miss without the adolescent loafing around the house:

#10. I miss the never ending arguments discussions we would have about everything from bedtime to the proper amount of time it should take to brush ones teeth properly.

#9. The smell of curdled milk as I walk in the door from a long day at work (do they not realize that refrigerated items keep longer when kept cool? Isn't this obvious?)

#8. The soggy, sweat laden football gear and mouth piece placed haphazardly on the kitchen table.

#7. The sound of two T.V.'s, Wii, computer and Nintendo DS blasting at 8 decibels each. (While he dances around the house listening to his mp3 player)

#6. The inquiries at 5 minute intervals about what we are going to do to entertain his highness. "Are we going to Lagoon?" "How 'bout the waterpark?" "We can go see a movie?" "You wanna take me to Wal-mart to look for football gear?"

#5. The rough house, wrestling that inevitably leads to Boog screaming that Bud punched him in the nuts and now he's going to kick his butt.

#4. Spending an extra $150 on groceries. (the scout leaders get to take on that one)

#3. Repeating myself 15 times before I realize his mp3 player is on and his earbuds are shoved in his ears and he hasn't heard a word I've said (huh?, wha?, huh?).

#2. Pee on the toilet seat, floor, side of the bathtub and shower curtain. (Boog has his share of spray, don't get me wrong, but 50% reduction really makes a difference)

The #1 thing we miss about not having an adolescent hanging around the house....... (and no Bud, it isn't the fact that we have to take the trash out, we saved the weeks worth of trash for you in the kitchen. You're welcome, son.)

It's This:

♥ Chief

Comments that posted and were lost due to the inept dumbass tech dude who tried to "help" me fix my comment problem. Yeah, thanks moron, you were a big help. Feel free to add more comments the normal way below.

Duke
I'm glad you didn't take the trash out. He will love seeing it when he gets home


wendsplace
PS I love Duke's comment too!!

Marie

Is previously aforementioned "cup" also laying about on the kitchen table or did he take that singular piece of beauty with him to scout camp to impress the boys? HEHE.


LeShel
I loved this post but I most loved that DUKE commented!


Kristina P.
I can see the comment box! And all my previous information is saved in it, so I'm good. And it definitely sounds like you live with a teenage boy.


wendsplace
*giggle* I wouldn't be missing this kid one lil bit but love is love lol


Shelle-BlokThoughts
K that picture is priceless... hehehehehe

julia
That was a hilarious post. I'm scared of teenage years already hahaha. And thanks for commenting on my blog.

Peeing with a Hairy Man

You would think the boys would be used to it by now. You know... ME?

Saturday while on our road trip escaping from reality we made one of the many stops to pee that we always have to make because I pee a lot (read about that here). We stopped at a convenience store in Fillmore or Scipio or some BFE small hick town. I ran in hoping that by shuffling and squeezing my girl parts, I wouldn't pee myself. I did the usual quick scan of the signage inside the store looking for the RESTROOM.

There! Back in the corner, run! (shuffle, shuffle, shuffle).

I make it to the door only to find a group of women milling about and this:

Some of you may think this is a problem. But I am a problem solver by nature. So I look around and find this:

I push my way past the keigel squeezing women and their daughters who are grabbing at their unmentionables and bust through the door to the men's restroom.

Now. I have to be honest. I expected this to be a regular one room bathroom, you know the ones usually found in convenience stores, all with their own lock? But this one was different. Obviously, this particular establishment gets alot of bathroom traffic because they have a full on 3 stall restroom complete with one of these:

I was a bit taken back but was relieved to see no one was using this particular fixture as I dashed (shuffled) past it on my way to the nearest stall where (as Duke would say) I proceeded to drop trowel (pull my pants down). Oh the relief! Those poor women outside have no idea what they are missing.

Until I hear the door to the bathroom open and as I looked under the stall door I see these:

and I hear the trickling sound that could only be that of a man relieving himself.

Hmmmm. Interesting. I never thought about this occurring when I bounded (shuffled) through the door into the man sanctuary. I'm feeling a bit creeped out, I will admit. What to do? Not really panicked, just pensive. I will wait until he leaves and then calmly walk out like nothing happened. I'm sure the ladies outside are enjoying the show. As soon as this gentleman walked in after me, I bet a crowd gathered, waiting to see how I would handle myself. Well, I will show them that I can not be ruffled!

more trickling...a burp...(or was that something else?)

WOW! He really had to go! Is he ever going to leave?

Just then, the door opens again and lo and behold it is my posse of boys. Won't they get a kick out of this one? They have no idea I am in here. I see Bud's shoes and then the shoes stop. I see his ankles flex in only a way that tells me he is leaning a bit and looking at my shoes. The ankles freeze. I hear whispering, I see two more sets of shoes. Duke and Boog. They are all whispering now. The guy must be gone so I open the stall door, and see all three of my boys huddled in the corner of the bathroom with eyes as big as watermelons. Bud immediately shoves me back into the stall while Duke is frantically pointing at the strange man's back side. I rolled my eyes and began shutting the stall door when Duke motioned for me to make a run for it! I darted past my new potty friend (I admit, I glanced over to get a look at him. It was a reflex. I mean I had bonded with this guy. We had peed together and we both obviously really had to go!) I made it safely out but not before another patron (big and greasy) entered and did a double take at the peeing man, me, and this:

Get over it Mr. Crisco! You can pass judgement once you've had a 9 pound head squeeze through your "V", taking all your insides with it! I looked for my adoring fans (the kiegel crew) only to find that the closed sign had been removed. Apparently, it was just a temporary closure. Good! Now I can go in and wash the man germs off my hands!

Needless to say my boys have told me that they will be scarred for life. I think Boog is a bit disgusted and wishes he could put himself up for adoption. Bud says he will have nightmares for the rest of his life and he will always remember the view of my tennies underneath the man stall. Duke (painfully shy) is incredulous that I would even consider walking into a men's bathroom without a lookout. All I have to say is, when I have to pee, I have to pee right now! Would it have been more traumatizing if I peed in a fountain cup while standing next to the emergency car care aisle? I say yes and I am not ashamed.

Plus I got to see a strange man's butt.




Comments that were deleted by stupid tech nerd. Feel free to add comments below the usual way

Shelle-BlokThoughts
blokthoughts@gmail.com
hahahahahahaha! Oh my gosh we are Bathroom freaks! you and i... I have some GREAT bathroom stories, but yours tops it! I might have to link up to this one!

adi
This is a great post. Thaks for the laugh. I had three posts of yours that I got to catch up on. It was a nice break from hearing my son say, "mommy that's water" over and over and over and over. He is still doing it. Make it stop! Stop! Stop!

MommyJ
There seems to be quite a bit of wrong bathroom using lately. When I was at girls camp, I always laughed when the girls would line up and wait outside the one room girls restroom, and leave the mens restroom totally empty. It was GIRLS camp, for crying out loud. What boy were they gonna find in there? A bear?

Melinda
Okay, I have honestly not laughed that hard at a post in a LONG time, that was freaking hysterical! I love you even more now. (Am I getting too creepy? Just let me know, I can pull it back. I think.)


Cynthia
A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. I don't know if I've ever done that but I WOULD if I needed to. The kids will get over it, with therapy. Just tell them to add it to the list they are undoubtably keeping! LOL!


Melissa
Oh, that was a much-needed laugh. You are hilarious! I would have been one of those women just waiting outside the women's restroom...I love that you are a take-charge kind of gal! Although, if I saw you go into the men's room, I probably would have followed you in. (Such a follower, how embarrassing.) Why on earth was that guy showing his butt? Can't they use those things in a way that doesn't expose their cheeks? Isn't that why zipper flys were invented?


LeShel
love this story. I can see Adi and standing outside laughing our head off at you! Although if needing to pee I would have gone in myself. Best part of this story is that YOU GOT CAUGHT!! I'm sure the kids are damaged and I can't even imagined how embarrassed Duke is. I'm sure it's killing him that you posted it too! Just add some change to the psych fund and move on! All our kids are going to need to chat with someone to fix it right.


LeShel
I am scared this new comment thing might mess up my standing as #1 commenter! Don't mess with me people!

blondiegoesblog
That was so funny. I am with you when you have to go you gotta go. The only thing is I wouldn't have been able to keep from laughing. Great post

JennyMac
TOO funny. Thanks for the laugh. :)

lvquiltergirl
Found you through Shelle, too funny!! Nothing worse than peeing with a stranger, man or woman!


Julie Y.
I about peed my own pants reading this and I am only feet from my potty-room. I feel your pain. And had to giggle at it too! Just found you from Shelle and I think I heart you now. Hope you don't mind me stalking you.

regan
I love you! I know exactly how you feel...pee when you have to pee. I thought I had the best one but this might top it. My husband was a small aircraft pilot. We were flying from LA to Heber City. I had to go really, really go. He would pull the plane over. So I took one of the baby's diapers and put it on. I told him I would if he didn't land and he didn't believe me. Kegel or no kegel I can't hold it. So I peed in the diaper, thankfully it was like a size 4 and held every drop! Of course every one else in the plane was grossed out but who cares! I will be checking in daily, you are the best!


Zuleika
lol That is one of the funniest bathroom stories I've ever heard! You're a great story teller. :-) If that had been me my 3 boys would have teased me all the way home. They still would have been my lookouts though. :-)

I gotta get the hell outa here

I woke up this morning, looked at the condition of the house and decided it was time to get the hell out of dodge.

You know how sometimes it happens, you are just not ready to handle the day the universe has dealt you? Today was that day for me. It didn't matter where I ended up sleeping tonight, I just knew it would not be between piles of laundry and dirty dishes (I know you are thinking I'm being a bit mellodramatic, elluding that their are dishes in my bed). Trust me, I.am.not.

At 8:00 a.m. I started screaming "ROAD TRIP! Everyone get the hell out of bed!", I pulled the teenager out of bed, threw underwear and must have meds into a duffel bag, and filled the cooler full of ice and bottled water. The kids aren't used to spontaneity. I am a planner. All the more reason to show them that I'm not all about Saturday chores and rigid summer schedules.

So here we are hundreds of miles from home in an EconoLodge. The mattresses are hard, but the bathroom is clean and I have wireless internet access. The kids are flopping around in the pool, Duke is searching the phone book for a chow hall and I am blissfully floating through the blogosphere.

I know when I return home tomorrow I will see all that I left behind and I may have some regret for my impromptu escape from reality. I will be starting my work week with a dirty house but hopefully a clear head and a memory of me the boys may not have had if we stayed home and kept to the schedule.

Who said all the good men are taken...

Ok so it wasn't that difficult, I'm just impatient and I think everyone is out to get me (I know there is medication for that but thing is...I'm already on it). So anyway, last Sunday my brother in law "Bird" (Duke's nickname for him and it's not a reference to his appetite) introduced me to this dude. All I have to say is "For the love of Chrysler! Why do all the good guys show up when I'm already spoken for?"

Now, one of my readers mentioned that she has ADD and can't stand long, drawn out videos. I apologize in advance but this one is worth it, I promise. (and it's an audio file, not a video, so there)

Turn up the speakers, you don't want to miss a word, my fellow blog stalkers. (note there are two voice mail messages here, smushed together into one file, so pay attention)







Wow! Olga passed on "The Dimitri"? Such a shame! He had so much to offer. Think of what he could have done for her self esteem. Just being seen with such a specimen would have to make you stand a bit straighter, maybe even shave higher than your kneecaps, wouldn't it? Dimitri was right, she had some catastrophic event that prevented her from returning his call, there is no other viable reason anyone would reject him, is there? Let's do a Lettermanlike Top 10 List with reasons why an "elegant" woman like Olga would choose to reject the smooth advances of such a catch as Big D.

10. One of her many phobias are purple velvet trousers and silk v-neck sweaters (didn't we all envision him wearing these?)

9. She has a fear of Greek men after seeing "My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding".

8. She was leery of his pectoral implants.

7. Her friends were way too "envious" even if they said they weren't. She didn't want to cause any rifts with the peeps.

6. She looked up "Passive Aggressive Disorder" and decided it sounded like a good excuse not to call.

5. While searching Wikipedia for "Passive Aggressive Disorder" she stumbled upon the word "Narcissist" and found Dimitri's picture in his velvet trousers staring down at her which reminded her she suffers from velvephobia.

4. She was at her therapist getting her prescription for xanax refilled (more proof of the anxiety disorder he speaks of.)

3. During her therapy session her doctor confirmed she was not "psychologically normal", damn.

2. Olga isn't really a female. She is a man and figured that with a mind like Big D's, surely he would blow her cover wide open.

and finally....#1. reason Olga would pass up the opportunity to rub her hand on Dimitri's velvet thigh.........

I'VE DECIDED TO LET Y'ALL DECIDE THAT ONE.

Go ahead listen to My Man Dimitri one more time and leave a comment and if you think of a better reason than these nine...let us all in on it. If not, leave a comment anyway cuz they make my day.

P.S. There are several of you who I am expecting great things from here. I hate to name names, but if I have to call on you in front of the class, then I will... Gina (you haven't left a comment yet and this is your time to shine).

Word of the day: "Friggin'"

Serves me right for announcing this blog post as hysterically funny. Now I am pooping razor blades because I can't make the friggin' thing work. Who knew you couldn't just add an MP3 friggin' file into your blog post without putting on a tutu and jumping through friggin' circus hoops like a damn poodle! I'm going to have to work through this tonight when I'm not on the taxpayer dime (you're welcome, fellow tax poor Americans).

Anyway, moving along...it is actually fine that I can't post the damn thing cuz something happened yesterday that really threw us for a loop. I figure I had better post about it if not for journal reasons but to get Duke (and especially myself) a bit of sympathy.

So here goes (wow this intro to today's post subject is wicked long and drawn out. I must be coke deprived). I guess Duke hurt his knee playing high school football in Podunk, Utah years ago and didn't go to the Dr. (no surprise there, the man has serious white coat syndrome which might stem from the fact that his pediatrician was also the town vet). Anywho, so he didn't have the pig doctor look at it, he just ignored the pain and went on with his wild life of booze and women (ha ha, that's funny Duke, don't get mad that I added that...it's friggin' funny, loosen up). Well, so over the years he has had bouts of irritation with said knee off and on. This year has been real bad though. He started working out almost every day at the gym and the knee started to blow up the size of a honeydew melon. He didn't go in to the "horse pistol" (that's what he calls doctors, I guess because they shoot horses that are sick...who knows...Podunk, Utah) he just decided to self medicate and see what happened. Well the "happened" wasn't good.
He went to the Orthopedic Specialist yesterday (yes he went to the Dr. once I promised him they wouldn't do a prostate exam, they were only interested in his knee. To which he replied, "They are all perverts.") So the doctor basically said he is screwed (that might not have been the best term to use after the last sentence, but I'll leave it). The high school injury took it's toll and now he has absolutely no ACL and most of his cartilage is gone. Total.knee.replacement. Guh, the man has never even been under anesthesia at the dentists office (cuz he won't go, but whatever). He was one freaked out redneck. They said they could try cortisone shots and see if he will get by for a few years but they are only 80% effective. SHOTS! I almost pooed in my pants! The man can barely stand a flu shot every year! Does he know what a cortisone shot involves? I have to say I felt really bad when he called me hysterical from the doctors office immediately after exiting the elevator. I felt real bad for about 1 minute until I started to feel real bad for myself. There was only one thing to do at this point.

My prayer last night:
"Dear Heavenly Father! I'm not sure if you have heard (I'm sure you have, so let's just get to the root of the problem). This man is going to be a miserable recovery patient and I am his wife. This is not good. I am not a compassionate person by nature and the mere thought that I will be hearing about the shots, the pain, the fear of surgery every single waking moment...I truly think it is necessary that you miraculously heal this mans leg. I've heard it done before, you know in the bible? I need his leg healed, I don't know if I can make it through what is about to come. Actually, I know that I can't, and you are all knowing, and you know I won't make it either. Let's just cut the crap here Lord...I am too selfish to deal with a cripple! Did you hear the doctor? He said 2 months out of work! TWO MONTHS! I know after you think about this, you will do the right thing. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

I hope he hears this prayer and answers it in a way that saves my marriage. I know he will because he knows me and he knows I am unstable. He knows Duke is an infant when it comes to pain and doctors. He knows.

and the winner is........

(balloons),(confetti)Marci !!!!(confetti),(balloons)

Look, I even gave you four exclamations and I enlarged your font real big...you are so special!

Marci has the cutest kids ever and she just added another one to her crew. Although I wish everyone could win, I am really glad Marci won because she is having a tough time right now recovering from the birth of her cute baby boy and she needs a pick me up.

So Marci, Congrats! I will get your bag of yumminess ready and sent ASAP.

Thanks to all my new friends and all of my old ones for following me. I look at my 18 buddies and feel better already. I have found some really funny ladies over the past few weeks while blog hopping and I am real excited. I think I will half my Zoloft dose tonight!

P.S. I have the funniest freakin' thingie to post on my blog next. Hopefully I will get to it tonight after work, piano lessons, football, enrichment, and pack meeting....(OK it will probably be tomorrow) but anywho...it's a classic!

P.P.S. Scroll down to my footer and play this video. It is worth it if you have any redneck blood running through your veins!

LOVES ♥
Chief

Old Maconald Had a Farm

Of course he gets his singing voice from his Aunt Chief

P.S. Don't forget about the contest that ends Monday night. Details at the end of this post.