$1 in the child's therapy fund

I know I have been completely obnoxious with my posting the past few days, constantly publishing, filling your dashboard with my ramblings and immaturity. I am sure you are all sick of me...But alas, I have never been one to care what other people think (okay so I am a bit self conscious about what others think, but I really like to pretend I am confident and self assured, so play along will ya?).

I gotta post the conversation I just had with Booger the 8 year old. He is in his bedroom throwing a tantrum as we speak because he knows I'm posting it but I told him what I tell every other member of the family "Do smart things, I will post them...do dumbass things and I will post them as well. You choose the content, not me."

So here's to another dollar in the therapy fund, son!


Booger: rushing in after finishing his bath "Mom! Help! My tongue is bleeding!"

Chief: tired, grumpy, done being home alone "What happened? Did you bite your tongue?"

Booger: getting quiet "Uh, No...."

Chief: putting two and two together rather quickly even though I am totally brain dead "Did you suck on my razor while you were in the tub?" Praying it isn't possible that I have reared a my child to be as crazy as his father.

Booger: softly "Yeah, can I have a bandaid?"

What a dumbass!


P.S. If you know Booger personally, please do not discuss this with him as I may or may not have told him that I would not actually publish it. I'm just sayin'...

Stick-It with too much time on my hands

Booger was home sick yesterday, which means I was home from work, which means I was totally cranky with time on my hands, which means either I could totally rock this post with my creative genius or clean the bathrooms.

In the end, I did both.. BOO-YAH-YAH!

Here is my "Stick it to Em Tuesday" with Supah!

Go see Supahmommy for more Stick it to Em' Tuesdays or whatever it is she calls it. It's my fave and will surely not disappoint. (I think I should actually add more linky love to her blog but, seriously, I think her name has been in every post of mine for 2 weeks...if that isn't enough for her then she is way to (red carpet) for me.)

What better way to start off a new blog century than "It's all about MEme, SURVIVOR!"

What better way to spend my 101st post that with Supah and Mommybrain and MEme Monday? (actually, I considered bagging it this week until she sent over her logo that was totally obvious to me she spent 3 days in photoshop constructing. How could I deny her after that kind of effort?) Couldn't... plus it's another goodie.

Just looking at that logo sends chills up my spine

So the prompt is "5 things I can't live without" and I get creative freedom to decide the what and wheres.

Let's get down to bidness cuz I got a lot to cover in this post:

5. Air Conditioning. In the car, at work, at home, at the store, at the Dr. it don't matter! (yes I said don't). I even use it in the winter when its 5 degrees outside and 3 feet of snow if I overdo it on the heater. I do not like to be hot, I am way too fat with way too much built in insulation.

4. Music. In the car. Love it, gotta have it, I will punch buttons until I bust an acrylic nail looking for just the right song, if all I get are ads I will belt my Kelly Clarkson like nobodies BIDNESS!! I seriously don't think my car will run without music coming from the speakers though.
3. Ice Cream. Not too picky, just no fruit (unless it's homemade). I will (and have) eaten ice cream every meal for days on end. This is what supplies my extra insulation. Side note: I have never had what people have called "brain freeze". EVER. I have no idea what you are talking about when you exclaim you are having a brain freeze. Get over it, or give me your leftovers. I am Ben and Jerry's illegitimate love child.
2. The Tub. I gotta have a tub in my house. I take at least 1 bath a day. When we wanted to buy our current house, we fell in love with it except it didn't have a big soaker tub. We wrote it into our offer to have one installed before we signed the papers. Yes, I understand that I am bathing in my own filth. Kiss off.
1. This:
It must have access to internet (obviously...duh, don't be a dumbass).

I can surf the internet like a housafire people and I have the carpal tunnel to prove it.

I rarely go more than 1 hour without checking email, whether it be work or personal. There have been times at work, when our server is down and I have no access to the web, where I have contracted serious food poisoning and had to rush home. If I would have been questioned, I would have had no problem pooing myself for authenticity.



P.S. My version of heaven is all of the above at the same moment. Sitting in a very hot tub, sipping on an ice cream shake, surfing the web, music playing in the background, with the air conditioning on. My heart skips a beat just thinking about it.

So there you are! Go check out Supah and her AMAZING photoshop skills. I'm thinking she oughta get paid for the crap she whips out every day!

BTW she has invited me to live on a desert island with her...ME! I have already started packing and from the looks of her post, Jeff Probst has been invited to! I wonder if he will let me touch his torch snuffer!

My 100th post! Time for some crazy bloggin' love!

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If you have noticed, I have a couple of new awards that have been added to my sidebar this past week (I know, I know, it is getting a bit embarrassing (not really, I love them, truly I live for them, keep them coming)).




The first one was from Seraphim at Oh, the Possibilities! This woman has to have the biggest heart in the world. She is my Wonder From Down Under.

The next award was sent to me through the blogosphere from Lee The Hot Flash Queen. She makes some craft stuff over at her bloghouse. Go check her out!





Here are a few bloggers I would like to bestow this honor upon. I actually don't love this part of bloggy love, because I would just give the awards to everyone, but then that would mean I was a molly coddler and I am most certainly not going to stand for that.... so here goes. I peaked around and found a few sites that had my button on their blog, this helped me narrow down my choices:

1. Of course Supah Mommy. I didn't see the Honest Scrap on her blog already so she can grab that one from me. It's almost like people are saying she's aliar cuz she doesn't have one...it's a travesty (She is very red carpet, if you didn't already know...so she might have this somewhere in the archives and just ran out of room to show it up front on her shelf.)

2. Susan at Warm Chocolate Milk can pick which one she likes best and grab it, or both for that matter. Every time I see the name of her blog I want a snickers, is that bad?

3. Queen of Rader's Out Loud. OK, so she doesn't have my button, but she comments every single time and makes me laugh so hard I pee myself, nearly.every.single.time. She may not participate (as many of you may not) but I want her to know she is loved over at my bloghouse! Take whatever makes you feel giddy to your toes my dear! I think you deserve both.

4. Evonne at All you need is love. This woman has the single fanciest blinkie as her signature! I have blinkie envy. You too, can choose one or both, for they each will go well with your shoes!

5. Kirsty at Momedy for making me smile and wishing I could visit her beautiful part of the world! I want you to have both of these awards as the memories of apple orchards who gave me with your last post are worth their weight in gold!

Thanks again, for the blog recognition. I love spewing my knowledge and dumbass posts to all of my blog buddies. These 100 posts have been nothing put pure joy and stupidity. It can't get much better than that, no it can't.

To those who did, thanks for grabbing my button, it took me days to make it and I'm glad it was somewhat worth the trouble.

Serious Sunday: Football

Autumn brings football.

NFL Football Games.

College Football Games.

Backyard Football Games.

But there is nothing that compares to a Little League Football Game at the park and the wonderful support of family.

With baby faces smashed into helmets,

and boys wanting to act like men,

and a Dad... finally back home where he belongs.

Until tonight at 5:03.... when it's time fly back to work.

We will miss you Duke, thanks for flying home for the game. We had a great weekend and we will see you Friday!

For more Serious Sunday go visit Pedaling.

For me, it is about as serious as it gets. No matter what your political views, just watch this beautiful baby with his mom. If you want to be added to Serious Sundays (even though Pedaling has no idea that she was), let me know and either I will start Mcklinky or I will just add your links at the bottom of the post periodically as they come in.

Supahmommy joins in with her Sunday Update Post about sweet Jaden (remember he's the one with the button over there on my side bar. Head over and leave his family some love.

Mommy is in the Bathroom joins us with a subject near and dear to my heart. Although the post made my blood boil yet again, I am doing my breathing exercises and should be fine in about an hour.

My Conversation with Ms. Lucifer

Having stewed (at boiling point) all weekend, I decided that I would call down to the traffic courts as soon as business hours began on Monday. I convinced myself that they would surely see the err of their ways and excuse the ticket as it is obvious that my vehicle is registered. Certainly there would be no need to go through the formalities and waste all of our time by setting up an appointment.

ring...ring...ring "Thank you for calling the #$*&% Justice Court. Press '1' to pay your ticket over the phone, press '2' to find out how you can pay your ticket on our Website, press '3' for directions to our building and where to park once you arrive so that we can again write you up for parking illegally."

I press '0'...

"Press one to pay your ticket...

" still pressing '0' over and over

"press one to pay your...

" continually, pressing the damned '0'...

"Please hold an an agent will be right with you. Did you know that you can pay your ticket online at .... www.bunchofsh1t.com?"

20 minutes later... Ms. Lucifer answers the call...monotone, dead lifeless voice: "Thank you for calling 'I Am Worthless' Justice Court."

I had decided before I dialed the phone that I was going to put on my ultra intelligent (you know...like when you over enunciate every sound and syllable as you speak?), very confident but sweet, professional pity voice so as to load as many odds in my favor that this call end well. ( I have had run-ins before with government employees, one of which nearly landed me in federal prison after I threatened to blow up their building if they did not comply with my, obviously reasonable request.) I was determined to be successful this time and classy was the key.

Chief: ahem."Yes, thank you for taking my call, I am sure you can help me. I have a crazy situation that I need to get taken care of if you wouldn't mind working with me?"

Wench: "Uh huh..."

Chief: Not discouraged by her apparent disdain for her job "Well, great!" starting to squeal a bit, giggle "There has been a silly mistake, I was parked down town on Friday and I received a plate infraction for unregistered tags..." still giggling to convince her that this really was a silly misunderstanding "But you see, my vehicle is indeed registered and I can fax over the registration immediately. I have been waiting nearly a month for my new tags to arrive and...."

Witch: interrupts abruptly, sharp tongued "Yeah, that is your side of the story lady! Listen, you are crazy if you think you are going to clear this up over the phone. You must come in with a picture of your vehicle on the day of the infraction with the proper tags in place in order to successfully plead your case."

W.T.H!?

Chief: blood pressure pounding, fingertips pulsing, rapid breathing...starting to panic "Um, see that's the thing, see, I can't take off work to fight something I am not guilty of."

Bitch: still monotone, but disgusted "Then pay the ticket." pause "Is that all I can help you with?"

Okay, gone is the professional, composed Chief. Appearing on the scene is the deep, dark, horrific Chief who everyone knows is fully capable of scaring the piss out of 25 year old ultimate fighters with one glance. My voice lowered and resembled that of an 70 year old, lifetime smoker, possessed by Satan. (You know, picture the movies where the eyes turn red and blood pours from the tear ducts as fire shoots out of the demons mouth?)

Oh I am not stupid, I knew I wasn't going to get out of the ticket. That dream was gone. My only hope now was to make myself feel better so as not to lose another night of sleep. I was going to make this woman pay even if it meant hard time.

(See, this is why I need Duke, he balances me. He talks me down from the cliff, removes the bomb detonator from my white knuckled fingertips. This is really all his fault for leaving me.)

Chief: roaring "What you aren't getting here is MY. VEHICLE. IS. LEGALLY. REGISTERED! I should not have to pay or take time from my job because some kid in an Power Wheels Barbie Jeep is too stupid to correctly identify an illegal vehicle from a legal one!"

Bitch: monotone still (this woman has no personality, the government bureaucracy has stolen that from as well as her will to live) "If our officer sited you then he had good reason to do so ma'am. Why would he vindictively write up a vehicle that was not in violation? Tell me that ma'am!"

Chief: not an exaggeration I swear "Because he is a NO GOOD FOR NOTHING PIECE OF DOG SHIT, WHO CAN NOT TELL HIS #%!@* FROM HIS !%&*#!"

Bitch: "Ma'am.... our officer...."

Chief: interrupts, clearly feeling superior and ready to do verbal battle with this miserable waste of ozone. (Verbatim quote) "Let's get one thing straight before we go on here. This DUMBASS is not an officer of any kind and we both know it, so let's cut through the crap. This kid is a high school drop out who wears a mouse head while moonlighting at Chuck E Cheese. He has an extensive Lego collection and sleeps in Darth Vater Underoos. He is illiterate and can only read 3 numbers and 3 letters at a time, thus making him a perfect METER MAID! I can see that your intelligence is not much better than his and thus I will end this call by saying that, I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that you have to drag your 600 pound carcass into an office run by brain dead assholes appointed by our cracker jack mayor. I am sorry that you will never do anything with your life. I want you to know also, that your secret love affair with the meter maid is safe with Chief. Oh, and one more thing....kiss my ass!"

I think she hung up after the word carcass

My blood pressure had returned to normal almost immediately after I spewed my filth and so I called Duke and told him the whole story while he continually asked me if I was calling from a jail cell. He begged me to pay the ticket and walk away from the whole thing. He assured me this is not something that is safe for me to deal with while he is gone for an extended period of time.

I am taking his words under advisement.



P.S. My tags came in the mail today. Dumbasses.

I think I was born a whale

Linus sent me a great note in the comments of my last post. I asked her if I could share it and kindly, she agreed! This will be the color for all of my dialogue as you know I can't just post something without hearing myself talk about it...duh!

Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan
woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said:

¨THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?¨

(First of all, I was born a whale, 2nd of all what marketing company uses this as their strategy? A Dumbass.)

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of

the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the

gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have an active sex life, they get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them not to mention how could they have sex? Therefore they do not have kids either. Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store? The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver (heh, shiver...sorry, Duke's been gone a while) and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. (I love this BTW. I knew I was brilliant, now it shows in my butt!) So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, "Good gosh, look how smart I am!"

Message from Chief: I loved this even if it is B.S. (if someone wants to take the time to "snope" it, feel free). The only part I would change is the end where she says "Good Gosh". I twitched. Not that I wanted the alternative, cuz I hate that term more, but leave it out before you use that junk. Dumbass.

Thanks LeShel...er...Linus!

No comments, I want you to save your energy for my next post updating you all on my own "Traffic Wars"... Stay tuned!

Dear Dumbass Meter Maid

Dear Meter Maid (a.k.a. Uneducated, Fred Flinstone Golf Cart Driver with No Life Goals),

Thanks you for stopping by my vehicle Friday. The note you left was certainly a surprise, I must say! I just have a few questions for you (that is, if you have a minute to drag yourself away from Dog the Bounty Hunter):

1. Do you seriously have nothing better to do than check license plate decals for their expiration notifications? Just wonderin' cuz I'm thinking it has to take a great deal of time to go from car to car and check the decals. Does it turn you on when you finally find one that is unregistered? Do you start to sweat, and tremor like a cat in heat? I can imagine the glee on your face when you come across one...your eyes get big, you whip out your Scooby Doo pen and your Hello Kitty planner and start jotting down the numbers. (Let me tell you this, I think you should stop what you’re doing right now and pray to God that I didn't come out before you scuffled off in your toy car because I promise you, the beat down you would have experienced would have been nothing short of being mauled by one of Micheal Vick's "pet" pit bulls... I kid you not.)

2. With the enormous tax burden that the state has placed upon its residents, have they not issued you a computer where you can enter in the license plate number of the vehicle in question to ensure that it is indeed unregistered before you piss off one of said taxpayers by shitting on their day with your note of love? Does the thought ever cross your mind that maybe the DUMBASS Division of Motor Vehicles has failed to mail the owner of the vehicle her new registration and proper decals after 3 weeks of waiting and at least 3 unanswered phone calls? I didn't think so, because that would require one more step in the already arduous process that IS your very important job of METER MAID you freakin' "DUMBASS"!

(Yes, I said DUMBASS again Holier than thou blogger mom, get over it, cuz I know your still reading my blog even though you took a self-righteous dump on my post last month. I have so wanted to tell you off but I have held it in cuz I am classy like that.)

(ahem...damn that felt good)

3. Do you realize that because that you have proven to be completely inept in your "job" and a complete drain on all of society, I now have to take time away from my "REAL JOB" to visit your "Hearing Officer" (heaven help me) to explain what a worthless piece of sh!t employee you are? Do you realize that not only has the state failed to give you the proper technology to effectively do your job, they have also hired a complete biotch to answer the "customer service" hot line. If you see her around, would you mind kicking her in her arse with your purple steel toed cowboy boots? (Shut up, you know you wear them, ya freak of freakin' nature).

Please get back to me as soon as you get back from working at Chuck E Cheese (that mouse head must be hot, you might want to consider an extra air hole, I think the lack of oxygen has made a real impact on your brain activity) can to clear up some of the questions I have. I hope to see you soon, as I plan to look for you when I meet with your superiors this week. I haven't opened a can of whoopass for sometime and you are definitely a perfect candidate. I can hardly wait.

P.S. Don't worry about carrying your mace, you won't have time to piss before I bust your dumbass. (that's 4)

Best of luck in your future to nowhere,

P.S.





P.S. Stick around for the next episode in my parking ticket saga...the phone call to the traffic court wench.

Stickie Note for Duke!............ COME HOME DUKE, IM LOSING MY MIND!

Ok so I didn't play with Supahmommy yesterday on her "All About Meme, Monday". Truth be told, I knew I wouldn't have time to write it before Monday and I forgot to ask her what the prompt was earlier so I could prepare it. So now that I have made my excuses, I thought I would try a new Supahgame.

This one was SUPAHfun! So link up and play along! It only takes a millisecond! Click on the above Post-it for the "how to's".

Here are my Post-its for the week. I'm leaving them for Duke who has abandoned his family for almost three weeks with complete disregard for my emotional and psychological well-being. (OK, so I should be grateful that he has such a great job, with great benefits and amazing job security but...I'm not, I totally feel sorry for myself and I don't care who knows it.)

P.S. I wonder how long it will take for him to figure out what misconstrue means.

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I have had yet another wonderful award bestowed upon my bloghouse!

This one comes from Susan and Warm Chocolate Milk. Thanks Susan! Your blog is one of the best! Go over and check her out (her blog that is, although she is pretty hot now that you mention it).

Now, if I can just get Kanye the hell out of the way I can get down to bidness!
"No Kanye, you can't have another shot of Whiskey! Stop looking down my shirt!.... SECURITY!"

Phew...

So here is the fine print for all of those who are about to receive this prestigious honor.

• Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.
• Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
• Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.
• Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we'll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!
• Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

1. The most Glamorous Blogger on my Blogroll Glamazon Mormon Mom
2. Someone who has a funner husband to tease than I do Eternally Distracted
3. Someone who I admire for her tenacity and political views Pedaling Fast & Trying to Keep Up

4. Because she dares be Facebook friends even though she risks me offending her entire friend list Mindi's Manic Meanderings
5. The best birthday cake chef on the internet (She made one for Duke last week) Welcome to Laurieville

Visit them my friend, you won't be disappointed!

Thanks to all my friends for the supportive comments on my last post. I look forward to allowing my blog evolve and I am honored to have everyone along for the ride!

I guess I'm starting: Serious Sunday

I've been thinking a lot about something lately. I've wanted to write to you about it but I have felt apprehensive. Then I read Jules blog today and I decided that I was going to publish the post even if it means people stop reading ~gasp~.

When I started my blog, it was strictly a journal for my kids and my friends (like most family bloggers will admit). Don't get me wrong, my rants and craziness have always been documented for friends and family to giggle and snort at, I just didn't really care who read it and who didn't. I posted vacation pictures and scrapbook pages and other terribly dull crap. Then I began to lurk around at other blogs. I found people who I could relate to on so many levels. I began commenting and lo and behold, they came over and started to put their 2 cents in at my bloghouse. It goes without saying that I was instantly hooked! It became so therapeutic for me to know that the real things that were happening in my dysfunctional life made people laugh. No longer were they burdens for me, when something ridiculous happened, I was able to find a whole new outlook. Instantly I would say to myself "Wow, the blog girls are going to have a heyday with this one!" and it became fun to be dysfunctional. I reveled in the comments that told me I was funny, hysterical or that I had made someone else's day with my irreverent antics. But alas, something was missing.

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, I guess it was gradual, but I started wanting to tell my new (and old) friends about other things that were going on in my life, not just the stupidity. I wanted to write about the neighbor or the coworker friend who are both fighting a battle with terminal breast cancer. The conversations I had with them about their future and their children and grand children's futures. Or about the time I cried when a blogger left a judgmental comment that hurt my feelings and then removed herself from my followers because I used the word "dumbass" too many times in my post. Guess what? I never published those "serious" posts because I thought I might lose what I had. I worried that I wouldn't be the funny blogger that day, the one that made people laugh out loud, the one everyone could count on to make them snort their coffee/diet coke through their noses. I had taken on the role of the crazy mom who tells her kids to shut up and calls them dumbass idiots right before taking them to church. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind being/playing that role, I AM THAT ROLE 100% and I love it.....but I am also someone else.

I don't know, maybe I am going through an identity crisis.

I am most definitely Chief, and I promise you this, I don't make any of the craziness up that I post here (unfortunately for me). The things I share are the real deal, and they always will be. The only change that I will make from now on is that I will write it for me. It's the only way this blog thing will work for me. I know that now. If I have zero followers and no comments (OK, I have to have comments, let's not get crazy here but I want those comments to be genuine and I want them to be from those who know me as Chief, not just the mom at (Hiding From the Kids) who only posts stupid stuff her family does.) While that is most certainly me, those friends who are closest to me know it isn't everything that I am. This blog was intended to be an honest, true account of my family and that is exactly what it will be. If it means I irritate people, or bore them to tears, that's OK with me, to them I only have this to say:

Thus, I have created Serious Sundays where I will share the other side of me. The one that has been missing on this blog for a while but most certainly needs to be documented.

I say these things in the name of........... (sorry, Mormon inside joke. I gotta have at least one joke per post, right?)

10-4, over and out.


Google images provided the pictures in this post. Thank you Mr. Google.

Prayers needed please!

I have had a button on my blog for a bit now that means more than just a link to a blog somewhere in the blogosphere. It's for a two year old and his mom and his family. I wish there was more I could do for them, but for now I ask that you go read about him here and pray for him and his family.

Let me get this straight...

Kind of a poor scan, but it tickled my funnybone and I got nothin' else to post cuz I'm too damned cranky.
DUKE COME HOME!

Why Do Some Dr.'s Have a Tight Sphincter?

So, I'm thinking I should have a monthly edition of "Chief's ailments and how she cured them." It seems I am falling apart in my advanced age.

Let me fill you in (coz, I know you are all rolling your eyes dying to find out what could possible be wrong with me now. Well, y'all just giggle your panties off at me coz I have a REAL diagnosis from a REAL Dr., and yes there is still a remote possibility that a could die from this! (who's laughin' now, huh? OK then...apology accepted)).

Two weeks ago I was exploring the inside of my mouth with my tongue (you know y'all do it, so shut up), and I found a strange lump under my tongue that, if I could've actually seen it, I am sure it would've looked like this:

It didn't hurt it was just perfectly round and the size of a marble. I told Duke about it and asked him to please look inside my mouth and describe it to me while I studied the articles on WebMD. (yeah, I self diagnose all the time, google doesn't charge me an arm and a leg just to tell me it is a product of my mental illness and to try upping my dosage for 6 months to see if the condition goes away). Where was I? Oh...yeah, so I asked Duke to investigate and he sighed and hunched his shoulders immediately went to get the designated pen light that we use for the proper diagnosis of all of my major ailments. "Yup, it's a bump. Does it hurt? Then leave it alone, it will go away. I don't care what the internet says, it isn't cancer, it is a damned bump! What do you want me to do...go out and get my wire snips and snap it off? Will that keep you from running to the Dr. to make an ass out of yourself quiet?"

So needless to say, I thought about it intelligently and decided to wait and see what happened in a week. Well, after 10 days it had gotten smaller and had turned into this:

the problem was my neck ached, kinda like my glands were swollen. I told my friends Lippy and Lazy (yeah that's you two, you know who you are) about it yesterday and they freaked out! Lippy started spewing stories of people who lose their tongues and can't speak or eat, and Lazy just kept telling me to make an appointment immediately with the ENT.

So now that I had backup of my previous self diagnosis from a reliable second AND third opinion, I called the ENT and lo and behold, they had just received a cancellation and I got in the next day (Thursday) at 1:30. PHEW! Now all that was left to do was stay alive until the Dr. could remove it and start treatments! Maybe by the time Duke gets home from his business trip, I will be cured!

I just got back from the appointment and I am ready to divulge my serious condition to all of my blogging friends (I know you've been worried sick). But first I thought I would let you in on the conversation as it unfolded in the examination room today:

Very Serious, no sense of humor, Middle Eastern Dr: "What can I do for you?"

Chief: "Uh, yeah...um...I looked it up online and I think I have a malignant tumor under my tongue."

Very Serious, no sense of humor, Middle Eastern Dr: "O.K.? Let me have a look."

Chief: "Ahhhhhhhhhh....rot thar...unner maa tunn. Do rue shee ut?"

Very Serious, no sense of humor, Middle Eastern Dr: rubbing, pushing, jabbing his fingers down my throat and into my lower jaw "Hmmm...it looks like you may have Sialolithiasis."

Chief: "Oh no Dr. you must be mistaken, Duke and I are completely monogamous! I know there is no way I could've contracted such a thing! I don't even like to do those sorts of things, even with Duke, just ask him! Do you want me to call him and let you talk to him? I am sure we can clear this whole thing up! There must be something else causing my lump!"

Very Serious, no sense of humor, Middle Eastern Dr: "No, that won't be necessary, Sialolithiasis pronounced (sigh a lo THIGH a sis) is an infection of the salivary gland. Sometimes calcifications can build up in the glands and block the ducts causing an infection. It has nothing to do with Duke, or your extra-curricular activities."

Chief: "Wow! That seems like great news! What do we do now?"

Very Serious, no sense of humor, Middle Eastern Dr: "I am going to put you on a strong antibiotic, I need you to hot pack your neck periodically throughout the day, massage the area, drink lots of fluids, and eat things that cause your mouth to water so that we can get those glands pumping and clear out the infection. If the lump is not gone in three weeks we will do a CAT scan and a biopsy."

Chief: "Would I have been able to prevent this if I had eaten only yummy foods that make my mouth water, instead of healthy snacks that taste like dirt and weeds?"

Very Serious, no sense of humor, Middle Eastern Dr: ignoring my inquiry, totally done with me now..."Make an appointment to see me in 3 weeks. Thank you for coming in." handing me the prescription.

Chief: thinking to myself "HMPF!, it seems Mr. fancy pants Dr. might need some extra-curricular activities to loosen his over tight sphincter. He obviously is too uptight to see how funny I am."

I have to say, I am very relieved at the word I received from the doctor, Hopefully if I do everything just right, this whole mess will be behind me. (Until my next serious illness rears it's ugly head.)

I immediately stopped by the pharmacy on the way home to get the prescription filled and I intend to follow his orders to the letter of the law. I picked up hot packs (the ones at home have been used on a recent testicle infection so new ones are in order), battery operated blow pop suckers (too help massage the lump), and three different flavors of ice cream (to keep those glands working overtime). BTW (I totally could have taken advantage of the battery operated massager reference here, but I am way classier than that).

If you wondering about all of the other times I have been on he brink of death, here are just a few examples here and here

Thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes to poor old Duke. I am emailing them to him tonight (he is out of town for the next 18 DAYS! I'm sure you will hear more about that soon).

Lookie Lookie! What Duke Got!

Look what Laurie made for Duke! I had just mentioned how I never cry... and then I teared up when

I saw this in google reader.

I realized I should have made him a cake, even though he is diabetic and eating so healthy and begged me not too. Laurie came through and now he has a cake that won't spike is blood sugar! Seriously, people are nice. There is good in the world out there. What a wonderful person she is. Go visit her, follow her and leave her a comment asap! "She is new to our little place in space" so show her love, she is a gem!

Hey, and did you notice my new button? Don't be shy, grab it and hold it tight!

Back tomorrow with another post! Gotta go get my nails done!

Playing with Ju... Happy Birthday, Duke!

I got tagged by Ju and I can't help but play, I'm friendly like that and I like to talk about myself. The more you learn about me, the more you will truly understand the madness. So follow along, if you dare. If you are in a hurry and are just blog scanning today, please make a quick trip to the end of the post and read. I have a favor to ask, don't worry, it's easy and I will totally owe you one!

I was absolutely honest but I don't play by the rules (we all know that by now, right?) so the one word answer thing left me feeling stifled and claustrophobic.(plus I have to add parentheses somewhere in every post)

So here's my version...read 'em and weep!

1. Where is your cell phone? charger (which I will undoubtedly forget in the morning because it will be out of my routine to walk over to the outlet and unplug it. I could totally charge it at work if the JANITOR DIDN'T HAVE HIS HEAD IN HIS SPHINCTER AND SUCK THE S.O.B. INTO HIS INDUSTRIAL SIZED VACUUM. He's done this twice...(what a dumbass))

2. Your hair? -scarlet (Funny you ask, just got through coloring it 5 minutes ago! (in-home salon perk))

3. Your mother? -nervous I kid you not, this woman is getting so uptight in her old age (love ya ma!)

4. Your father? -saint (he treats my mother well (love ya ma!)

5. Your favorite food? -icecream (I cheated...two words mushed, sue me)

6. Your dream last night? -unknown (It most likely involved food, trust me on this. Unless it was a nightmare and then it involved The Gym)

7. Your favorite drink? -zero (Coke Zero that is...with half diet coke, extra ice and a squirt of lemon. I want it from the fountain with a big fat straw, not the wimpy skinny ones)

8. Your dream/goal? -undebted (haha what the hell is that? I tried not to cheat and made up a whole new word)

9. What room are you in? -family (which is really the kitchen, dining, living, landfill, catchall)

10. Your hobby? - internet (that is so sick, I gotta develop some sorta talent that will be some sort of benefit to mankind. I am friggin' pathetic.)

11. Your fear? -intruder ( you know the kind who you don't invite in, that covers your mouth with duct tape and steals your dogs?)

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? -Caribbean (and the question should be "Where do you want to be FOR six years." I was born in the wrong country. I should live in Dominica)

13. Where were you last night? -home (working on hair clients for 4 hours after a friggin' long 8 hour day at the school. Hope you like your hair Adrianne. It was so good to see you, hope I wasn't bitchy.)

14. Something that you aren’t? - quiet (reserved, skinny, organized, nitpicky, uptight, lenient, patient...(man I totally screwed up on that one, sorry Ju)

15. Muffins? -chocolate (with chocolate frosting and chocolate chips and chocolate sprinkles...oh and throw in some Midol)

16. Wish list item? -skinny (I mean really, Why can't I just wake up one day and be thin? I would totally manage my weight if the fat gods would just make me thin to start with.)

17. Where did you grow up? -home (haha, Im so damned clever)

18. Last thing you did? -peed (you could ask this anytime of the day and the answer would be the same)

19. What are you wearing? -mumu (I'm serious, it's my favorite thing. When they wear out, I know it's time to go back to St. Thomas)

20. Your TV? -ridiculous (I was totally against the monstrosity of a purchase. Who really needs to see the zits on Julie Chen's forehead?)

21. Your pets? -important (um..don't go messin' wit da dogs. We cool wit dat?)

22. Friends? - supportive (I'm fairly selfish and require my friends to be undyingly supportive, no matter how stupid I act. I am also antisocial and prefer a small circle of very close friends. Is that strange coming from a blogger?)

23. Your life? -grateful (there are alot of people in worse shape than me...(and I don't me the shape of their asses...no one is in worse shape than me in that respect!)

24. Your mood? -varies (I am volatile...that is all)

25. Missing someone? -always (I am heartsick over the death of my father-in-law 8 years ago. I miss him for my boys, my husband and myself. He was one of a kind! I love you Moose! (yeah I named my dog after him...he was that special. Someday one of you might get that honor. Oh, and yes he is a follower of this blog as well.))) (and for those of you wondering why his name is Moose, go back and read my blog, you will understand the podunk, hicktown, nick naming thing that my husband's family lives by)

26. Vehicle? -disgusting (I live in my car, get over it)

27. Something you’re not wearing? - bra (haha....mumu and no bra. I am so classy!)

28. Your favorite store? - BaskinRobbins (I'm getting good at the mush)

29. Your favorite color? -red (type A, 100%)

30. When was the last time you laughed? -afternoon (reading Amy's post)

31. Last time you cried? - ages (probably when our president was sworn in. I don't cry unless I'm really pissed.)

32. Your best friend? - Duke (Who else can you fart in front of, cry, poop, scream at, and tell them their crack stinks and it's time for a shower, yet they still love you every single day.)

33. One place that I go to over and over? -fridge (isn't this obvious?)

34. One person who emails me regularly? -Facebook (I gotta change the settings. Is it really necessary to tell me when Shawna beats my score in Farkle)

35. Favorite place to eat?-yes (I will find something to eat anywhere you take me. I will even eat Chinese if you force me, knowing full well I will have the poop chills before I hit the car.)



Thanks and ♥'s