P.S. Halloween sucks and I am the mother of the year

I am sure Booger thought I was listening to his side of the conversation but after a full day of pre- trick or treat hell (you all know what I am talking about right?), all I heard was the Charlie Brown "wah, wah, wah, wah, WAH!"

P.S. Halloween sucks.



Timestamp 6:00 P.M. October 31, 2009


Chief "If the mustache comes in the costume package then the law says you have to wear it."

Boog "wah, wah, wah, wah, WAH!"

Chief "No, mom doesn't want to paint one on with her liquid eyeliner."

Boog "wah, wah, wah, wah, WAH!"

Chief "I am sure it is itchy, that is what Halloween is all about, son. It sucks, you eat too much candy and then you get the shits."

Boog "wah, wah, wah, wah, WAH!"

Chief "Stop crying, stick the damned thing to your face and go get me some KitKats for hell sakes!"



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Squishing a spider with my bare ass, Keeping in touch with Chief, and what it takes to be my friend.

Not that my problems have to become your problems, but in reality...if we are to be friends then you are going to have to learn that when I have issues I expect you to be there for me to fix them. (Shawna can attest to that...right, Lippy, Dippy, Snippy, or whatever it is I call you?)

Now that we have the legalities out of the way.

If you are unable to comment on this post, or any other post due to Disqus issues...would you take two seconds and pop over here http://disqus.com/help/ and speak with my new found friend through email so that he can help me fix my commenting woes? I would be forever grateful if you would let me know if he ever figures out what the problem is for some of you who can't see a link to comment, or are unable to enter your email into the form (or whatever crazy tech glitch you may be having).

I would like to say that I will give you something wonderful if you do this for me, but the truth is, I am too cheap and too lazy.

If you would like, you can always leave me a comment in my email. I have had a few hard core blogging friends start doing this due to Disqus fails.

hidingfromthekids@live.com (yeah...spammers are gonna love that. if you do spam, I will open a can of whoopass on your sorry self)

You can also become a fan of my Facebook page and then comment over there instead of here. (Don't worry, becoming a fan does not allow me to see your wall or any of your personal effects.)

Whatev.

Another option is to just read to enjoy the moment and not comment. It's all good over at Chief's bloghouse.

No rules.

No expectations.

(I do ask that if you fart, you follow it up with a short spray of Lysol)


Thanks everyone. I'm coming down off a Migraine and heading to bed. Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite. (by the way...I forgot to tell you that I had a spider bite my ass last night (O.K. so it was my lower back but when you are as fat as I am your ass covers a lot of acreage.) I have an enormous bump that hurts so bad I can hardly sit down. Does this mean I have to get up and do something other than sit and surf the web? Dumbass spider! I hope I smashed his ass to bits!)
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Seeking donations for some new britches

Cut him some slack. I bet he recently underwent gastric bypass surgery and hasn't had time to shop for new threads.

(If only this were a video instead of a still photo....we could watch him waddle away.)


Thanks Linus!
Here's a great addition to the post!




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Stick it to Supah Tuesday where no one listens to Chief


CLICK THE STICKIE FOR THE LOWDOWN


Since I am having a difficult time getting anyone to listen to me, I thought it might help if I stick the post-its to their foreheads...this way they can't be missed.


























































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Serious Sunday Week in Review

To make up for the fact that I was MIA for almost 10 days I have decided to recap my week for all of you who are so damned bored you can't wait to hear about the P.O.S. week I had.

I really shouldn't feel sorry for myself. So many people have it worse than I do and I think about them and pray for them often, I promise. I just had a miserable week and I am going to tell someone about it. It's my blog and I will cry if I want to.

Remember last weekend, y'all were jealous because I snuck away on an impromptu overnighter?

Well, Karma is a bitch my friends because the paybacks for that bit of fun were ten fold.

Monday I got to work and fired up the trusty Dell and "poof!" Gone. Kaput. I tried to reinstall the OS, reinstall the drivers, (cleaned the LCD with an alcohol wipe)...nuthin! As I am trying to trouble shoot through the tears, the phone is ringing off the hook with parents calling in about their absent kids. Normally, I would not be on the front lines at the office all day, but my friend (who works the front desk) was home all week with Swine Flu so I was pulling double duty.

(Snippy, glad you're feeling better, BTW!)

I can't believe how hard the flu hit the valley this week! In our little school of 500 we had a rash of 10-15% of our kids out with either H1N1 or strep. I am over attendance reporting for the State and I was scrambling, trying to keep up with the call-ins, the kids coming to the front office looking like death warmed over....taking their temperatures and sending them home. I don't understand why parents would send their kids knowing they have a fever? I know sometimes we have no idea that the kid doesn't feel good when they leave in the morning, but I had several parents actually take their kids temperatures and find out they had a low grade fever and send them to school anyway! I was beside myself trying to keep up with this Monday and Tuesday until I was finally able to communicate to the infected families that this was indeed risking the rest of the school population. I think if some of these people spent one day in the front office of their child's school, they would gain a much better respect for what we do for their kids. Bloody noses, concussions, depression, fractured arms, or even just consoling a 5 year old with a tummy ache while we wait for mom to pick them up. I will admit, I do love this part to a certain extent...to be able to make a child feel better when they are missing their mom or dad is a wonderful thing to do for them. Even if all I can do is get them a drink of water and put my fingers through their hair, or dry their tears with a kleenex. I love the little notes I get on my desk from them the next day, thanking me. This makes me happy...

I did have one funny episode in the world of "office triage this week". A 3rd grader came up and told me that her attendance hurt. She had tears running down her face and I asked her to repeat what she had said and she said her attendance hurt and then rubbed her tummy. I tried not to giggle at her as I realized she was trying to tell me her intestines hurt. I had her lay down and smiled as I realized they are learning about the body systems in science and she obviously was taking her lessons very seriously. What a cutie patootie!

I sent my computer to the IT guy for repair and he jacked the whole week up with empty promises and incompetency until Thursday, when I finally brought it home and pulled it apart and tried to fix it on my own. This is when I finally realized it was toast. I opened up the Mac that we just happened to have available at school and tried to make friends. I should be grateful that I get to use the company computer for personal stuff. I should be grateful that I have a brand spanking new laptop. I am trying to be grateful.

I stewed and worried all week about my kids. They are both asthmatic and Bud's locker partner had a confirmed case of Swine Flu. I was sick with the thoughts that if he were to get this, we could be in serious dire straights. His lungs are so weak that we are lucky if he only gets pneumonia 3 times a year. More often than not it is half a dozen. With this strain of flu and how hard it hits the respiratory system, I shudder to think what we would be up against with him.

Utah finally got H1N1 shot vaccines and were having a clinic Saturday morning at 6:00 a.m. for those kids at high risk. Why would they do it this way? Make it at 6:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning? Is it to weed out the losers who really don't need it, because that isn't what happened. I woke my family up at 5:00 and hauled them down to the Health Department to get them vaccinated (Duke is diabetic). By the time we got there, I was about the 300th person in line. It was bitter cold and I was ill equipped for the temperature. I left the kids in the car (1 mile away) and stood in line until they let the first batch of people in at 6:00. Approximately 25 people were allowed in and after 30 minutes, no one had come out. I quickly realized that this meant, if I were the 300th person and they were processing less than 50 people an hour, I was going to be outside for a very long time. I had undesirables all around me smoking, hacking their lungs out, snorting their loagies, and cussing obscenities while their small children shivered next to them in their tattered jackets. This is not what I signed up for. After and hour I called Duke on the cell phone and threw in the towel. As I made the long walk back to the car full of sleepy kids, I noticed the line extended to the street. With thousands of people in line, I knew some would turn away disappointed. In the end 5,000 people lined up at this location to receive the 1750 doses allotted. I guess we will take our chances until our Dr's office gets the vaccine.

Which leads me to this question:

WTH!! Didn't we all know this was a problem last spring? Did the manufacturers of the vaccine not start shipping and mixing doses 6 months ago in anticipation for this? What about the shortage of liquid Tamiflu for kids? Did Roche not realize these would be needed and start stockpiling? I don't understand. I can't even find the regular flu shot! We can't take the mist because of our underlying conditions. It's the shot or nothing. The media frenzy surrounding this whole mess only fuels the fire. People panic and start hauling their kids in for every sniffle, demanding Tamiflu, antibiotics etc. We all need to just stay calm. The fact that the Department of Health is in charge of vaccinating us is a scary thought. Government run agencies are so inefficient and ill equipped to handle all of the phone calls associated with the hysteria. For most people, the swine flu is simply another terrible virus that will put them on their backs for several days, for those at risk, it could become dicey though. Let's focus on them and use common sense, right? Oh, I forgot...we have lost our ability to have any common sense in this country.

I don't want this to become a debate about whether or not to get your kids or yourself vaccinated. That is a personal decision and frankly, not one I am interested in debating. I know for me, when Bud was an infant and he was not allowed to be vaccinated for Pertussis for health reasons, he ended up contracting it and almost died. This is why I will choose to vaccinate when reasonable. Camping put in front of the State Clinic is not reasonable and I should have listened to Lippy when she told me not to do it. (Yes, you were right...I was wrong, you owe me a Snickers).

So now we just got back from the football game and although we shut them out, the weather was atrocious and the fans for the opposing team were taunting us as we went to our cars. Whaaa? This is little league football. Do parents really feel it is appropriate to set this type of example for their children?

I am done whining and if you actually made it through this whole post and comment with anything that remotely shows you actually paid attention to what you read, I congratulate you. I think I will be glad to start fresh this week.

I promise I will be back to reading each of your posts this week! I miss you!


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I am back...(sorta, give me a minute to shake the cobwebs out of my fingers)

I am going to spend all evening on a post to make up for the terrible week. I am trying to think of something witty and wonderful to say about the fact that I have lost my true love and I am bonding with another on the rebound. I don't know if I will be able to muster it.

I could always do a post about the incompetent IT company we have contracted with to work on our computers and how he has made my life a living hell. I could post about the conversation I had with him about basic computer technology and how the hard drive works. I could post about how I am his "on the job" training, only we have to pay him exorbitant amounts of money to allow me to teach him about power problems and how the effect technical equipment.


While I coudn't find my camera to get a shot of him working on my computer, I did find this pretty close rendition from Google of what I felt I was looking at all week. (you're welcome Lippy)


We will have to see what I post about. But those things would be a good start.

Thanks for the e-mails by the way. I appreciate everyone who checked on my grieving process over the past few days. We will get through this tragic time together.

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I'm over here today:

Venus and Mars
Come play!

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Devastation. I am lost. A ship with a sail. A dog without a bone. A stripper without a pole. Donations are appreciated. It is important for all of us.

I am in mourning.

My blood pressure is pulsing triple time.

My fingertips are tingling.

My breathing is shallow.

I have lost my true love.

The one that puts me to bed each night,

tickling my funny bone,

pulling at my heartstrings...

I burned you out.

Used you, abused you each night.

It felt so right.

I can no longer fire you up.

I do not have what it takes.

I may have to start seeing someone else.

The thought horrifies me.

How can I?

Betray you that way?

His commands are so foreign, so wrong.

You were oh . so . right.

With just one touch, you knew me.

How can Mac fill the void you left?

So now, I sit...

I think about what we had.

The love we have lost.

I love you Dell.

I will never forget.

Goodbye is such sweet sorrow.


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I am Serious! No Serious Sunday post. SERIOUSLY!

No Serious Sunday post today, although I guess this could be considered serious cuz I am totally serious when I say that there is no real Serious Sunday post in my head.

I am sitting in a Holiday Inn blog hopping while the kids swim. Duke was called out to Pocatello Idaho last night and I figured "WTH" so we will all jumped in the car and came with him. I used to go on all of his calls before kids, jobs, pets and mortgages. We've been to Hawaii, Montana, Florida, Washington, Oregon, Colorado, Nevada and California...all on the company dime. I used to always worked for temp agencies so that I could take off at a moments notice. So we try to do this once in a while, when it falls on a weekend. It's a nice break for the kids and "breaks up the monotony" (I remember Duke once telling me he was glad we could "break up the mahogany" I peed myself laughing and started pretending to do kung fu on the kitchen table...I'm an ass.)

So here I am with no hair brush, no deodorant and no socks. It's OK though because I did remember to throw in the anti depressants and the laptop. It's all good.

I never meant for this to be an actual post. I guess it is...sorta. I won't be posting for a few days. Gotta work on the Website for the school and if I keep checking back here all day then I will continue to procrastinate my real job. No MEme Monday, probably no Post-Its Tuesday (unless I am really on the ball and get things done early). I am posting again at Real World: Venus VS. Mars this week, so check back for that bit of funness! It's all about Duke and what I find endearing about him and you know you don't want to miss that!

So, anyway...sorry for the no Serious Sunday post. I am seriously drawing a blank. (I'm such an idiot) 10-4, over and out.
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P.S. I have had a few questions about how my comment for works so I thought I would give a bit of a DISQUS tutorial for those who are interested:

Under each post there is a place where is says "Babbled by Chief" and then there is a link that says how many comments there are on that post (It is Either Green or Red depending on whether you have followed the link before). Click that link (the one that states how many comments have been made) and it will open the comment form under the post with a box for you to type a comment. It will ask you to put in your name and your email address along with your blog URL if you would like to add it. The URL helps me know who you are and how I can find you in the blgospher so I love it when you add it. The Email is required but not seen to other users, only to me so that I can reply to every single comment through email. After you put in your info once, you shouldn't ever have to do it again...DISQUS will remember you. Also, you don't need to use your real name, just something that will let me know who you are so I can reply, knowing who the hell I am talking to. I love comments more than life, but I understand that sometimes you just don't have anything to say. That's OK too, no pressure!

Loves...

I am such a sucker!

Hey! To start with, I want to thank you for visiting my post of at Real World: Venus vs. Mars yesterday! I loved all of the comments! If you ever have a minute head over and check out the whole blog, Shelle has made it such a great forum for both men and women. You never know...I may be over there again soon! (I know, Shelle...I am supposed to write my next post...I am a slacker but I am working on it, I promise).




So I was at

Walgreen Co.Image via Wikipedia

today buying medicine for Duke. I went here:








He has my head cold and he thinks he is going to die. He refuses to go to the pharmacist to ask for the 'good" Sudafed so I had to go over and buy it for him. So ridiculous.

Anyway, so while I was there, something happened that through me for a loop. I purchased the previously mentioned methamphetamine ingredient and then browsed through the store looking for a bit of a treat for my dieting palate.




I had promised the boys a goodie earlier and I saw that the Snickers were on sale so I bought one for me and one for Bud.





I decided on M&M's for Booger.






I went up to the checkout to pay for the empty calories and as I placed them on the counter the old lady at the register picked up the M&M's and asked if I wouldn't like the Reeses instead.





I said no thank you and took out my cash, preparing to pay for my purchases. She looked at me with pleading eyes and told me that if she doesn't make her quota of Snickers and Reeses this week, she won't get her bonus!

W. T. H!

I asked her to repeat herself to make sure I hadn't misunderstood and she explained that the product of the week that she was forced to push was Snickers and Reeses and they were required to sell a certain amount of each in order to reach their quota. I thought she was going to cry right there as she poured out her Snickers woes! She had to be 70 years old and she was forced to push candy bars to pay her bills!

The thing is...I felt bad for her. (I am not a heartless witch...IRL).

I bought the sunovaflitches! I actually fell for it! I bought 2 of each and I am supposed to be on a diet! I didn't even have enough cash and had to debit instead!


So, my question for you all is...

Do you think she was really stressed out about it or is she just a great actor and this is how she pads her paycheck every week?
Would you have done the same thing?

(I think I know the answer already, but I have to tell you, she had tears welling up in her eyes!)


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Wait 'til you see where I am today! You are all invited to come over and check it out

So I am posting over here today!

Venus and Mars

Shelle has put her utmost trust in me with her most prized possession (her blog, of course). It's a great site that helps us get into the heads of our significant other. Come see what it is all about!


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You can't fix stupid

One minute of funny.

YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID



My favorite was the last one...I think Duke must have secretly taped me at the gym.

P.S. My children are trying to kill me for their inheritance. Sharing some gawdforsaken illness they picked up from their urchin friends. I will be back soon with a more creative post. For now I will continue my Nyquil stupor. I haven't even been answering your comments this week. I will get to the soon, I promise.

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Stick it to Supah Tuesday!

Time for another installment of Stick-it Supah,

or Post-it on Supah's @ss,

or whatever it is called, I forget.

Sorry, Supah. I am burned out on life tonight. I will link the heckoutaya but I will not take the time to figure out what you call this thingie we do. (I just realized that the title is right on your damned post-it. Whatever, kiss off.)



Click the post-it to get the scoop and link up.







































P.S. For those of you who haven't looked at my quotes on the right sidebar lately. I added a Duke classic last night that didn't warrant it's own post, but is worth a shout out fo sho!

To be or not to be a "Friend"

Originally posted on 10/11/09


I don't believe I am a very good "friend".

I used to be. I used to be the best "friend" you could ever hope for.

Now...I forget birthdays, I don't think about you when your sick, I don't worry about you when your upset, and it bothers me.

I used to be the friend that went over board trying to help, always the first to call on your birthday, I would show up at your door with a 7 course meal when you had a baby or had the sniffles.

A few years ago, I had a "best friend". I insisted she let me do her hair for free, I would pick up a Coke for her every morning from the convenience store when I drove home from taking the kids to school and leave it on her porch so that when she got up in the morning she could just open her front door and know it was there. I watched her kids almost every day. Listened to her whenever she needed an ear. We would talk on the phone several times a day, or better yet we could just walk across the street and pop in for a visit anytime. I would listen to everything she had to say and if she even hinted that she wished she had something or wanted anything, I would surprise her with it as soon as I could get my hands on it. We confided in each other about everything...the deepest darkest secrets. We were like sisters in every sense of the word. This is how all of my "friendships" had worked my whole life. I don't know why, it was just the way it was.

Don't get me wrong, she was a nice friend too. I don't fault her for allowing me to cater to her every whim. It was all me. I thought that was what it meant to be a "friend". Put your needs aside to make someone else feel good. Even when the actions weren't reciprocated back in the same way. I look back now and I think, "She might have been taking advantage of me." I didn't think so then, and I really didn't think so until just recently after I had a discussion with Duke about women and "friendships". He helps a little bit, but truly... men are just different when it comes to "friends". It isn't so emotional for them. He told me for years that I should be more careful with my "friends", that I was an easy target to get dumped on. He would suggest that maybe I not cater to them so much. It always made me mad and I ignored him, until a few years ago when this particular "friendship" dissolved.

I decided I wanted to go to work outside the home full time. My kids were in school all day and I was offered a great position at their school. I had always had a salon in my home and made my own hours, but I was getting antsy to get back out into the world and learn something new, meet new people. That's when the "friendship" went sour. She said some pretty hurtful things to me about how I was sacrificing my family needs for my own and that she hoped it would be worth it. She stopped calling, stopped popping over, stopped borrowing eggs or sugar. Eventually, she stopped finding me at church so our families could sit together. No more waving as I drove by her house. I remember being very emotional about it. I even cried. I got really nasty pissed off too. I was heart broken and tried many times to tell her how I felt. She made little effort, maybe a few superficial conversations about how we should reconnect, but no true commitment from her.

Things changed for me after that. "Friends" became less important to me (or so I thought). Family friends were a quick substitute, and band aid. I became more selective and much slower to latch on to anyone on a deep, personal level. I have a lot of "buddies" now, but very few "friends". I have decided the word "friend" means something different to me than it does to others. A "friend" to me is a deep connection and is based solely on trust. It takes me a while to trust a "friend" with my feelings and secrets. My personality attracts a lot of buddies. I know I am upbeat and irreverent and I make people laugh at my crazy antics. I am considered the 'fun one to hang around'. When people try to latch on though, or make any comments or any indication that I am their "friend", I make a quick joke and back the hell off, FAST! I have become antisocial in a way I guess. Kind of a loner... ('cept for, of course 'The Big Duke').

I never realized back then how much this one "friendship" experience would affect me years down the road. However....

I feel the tides are achangin' and I am thinking I am OK with it.

I am starting to feel the need for a true "friend" again. I have started to evaluate the relationships I am in now and I have come to the realization that I actually have several great people who I haven't given enough credit to (in my heart). I starting thinking the other day, "You know, you have a few "friends" who love you and (gasp) you sorta love them too." It is kind of scary for me and yet it shouldn't be. More than scary though, it is nice, and comforting to know that I have (maybe) finished healing and I may be ready to move forward.

So the bottom line in this mushy, gushy seriously sappy post is to tell my "friends" that I love them and I am glad they are my "friends". Hopefully, if you stick around long enough, and deal with my psychologically jacked up craziness, I might start treating you like I used to treat my "friends", back before I went all weird. I would like that.


(I am not naming names in this post because I am not totally confident in the "friend" area yet and if I name you and you don't want to be my "friend" then that would be really a big step back in the progress I've made...get it? If you just want to be "buddies", that's OK, I'm getting pretty good at that too. umkay?)

Does my butt look big in this skirt?

For the love of all things sacred....



"No son, we can't afford to buy you the ARMY pin! Mom's saving for a new pair of pants!"




K...so these are fun (although I never win any of them on your blogs (you know who you are! all high and mighty...thinking my captions suck!))


So, take a second if your felling froggy and add a caption to this classic white trash picture! Give me all you got and make me lose control of my my bowels if you can!

(You ever notice I talk about bodily functions a lot on this blog? What's with that?)




(Supah, I am counting on you for this one. I tried all night to come up with one that might have a chance against your distorted brain...couldn't come close so LAY IT ON ME SISTAH! Make me shart.)


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A true story of rashes, vaginas, & a very happy Chief

Long post... I tried to shorten it but too much editing made it lose it's flavor. Please bear with me and read through, I promise...you will not be disappointed. I have never steered you wrong before, right? Good things come to the patient, my friends....mark my words


It seems we have more than our share of "skin" related issues over at our nuthouse. Bud always has "crotch rot", I have this (yes, I still have it... and no, none of your backwoods, hillbilly remedies helped). Booger seems to be the only one to evade the sensitive skin gene.

Recently, Duke developed a painful heat rash under his eyes. (I often wonder what he would do if I were dead. How would he make it? Would he even be able to make his way to the grocery store without me there to give him directions? I have decided, either he has early signs of Alzheimer's, or he has just grown to rely on me for everything and therefore has become unable to master self sufficiency. He was a bachelor for 10 years before we met and his mother had to buy his toilet paper for him from Costco because he was too embarrassed to buy it on his own (did he think that the checker would think less of him because he poops and needs to wipe himself? Seriously.)) Anyway, where was I? Ah yes...the rash under his eyes. Ahem.

So he gets this rash and I can see that it is very itchy and painful. I tell him for days on end that he needs to put some of my prescription steroid cream on it that I use for my eczema. He in turn, would come back with his usual retort of "BAH! That shit don't work! I just need to stop sweatin' so much. Yer workin' me like a damn dog!"


Then, I get disgusted and dismiss him with "Whatever. Go ahead and suffer. I am so over it. Just don't let me hear you scream like a woman in the shower when the soap hits your cheeks and the blood drips down your face, dumbass."

A week goes by and it's chapped and he is beginning to look like a leper. His eyes are swollen, his face is peeling and raw. He slathers hand lotion on it, screams in pain as the blood mixes with the cream and I continue to stay out of it.

Another few days pass and lo and behold, the rash looks like it is clearing up! I asked him about it and he admits he finally broke down and used my steroid cream and he claims the immediate relief was amazing. He was so grateful, he even admitted I was right and he wished he would have listened to me sooner. I gloated a bit, told him I was proud of him and moved on with my life and much more important, pressing issues (like blogging).

Then it happened, I came home from work and made my usual pilgrimage (okay, mad dash) for the master bathroom to pee. (I always have to pee whenever I walk in the door, even if I have only been gone 5 minutes and I peed before I left. I'm pretty sure the garage door triggers my urethra.) What was I saying...oh yeah...ran into the bathroom and I found this on the sink:






Hmmm... I don't remember needing to use this recently, I wonder why it's out here on the....

Oh! My! Holy! Hell!

I got that flip floppy feeling in my tummy, you know when you are really excited about something and can't wait to tell someone? I had that exact feeling. This was truly going to be the happiest day of my life.


"DUUuuuke! Come here, Duke." I tried so hard not to have my voice sound high pitched, but the pure joy could not be hidden.

"Yeah, Chief whatsup, I'm watchin' the Nascar!"

"Come in here right now Duke." it's unbelievable how hard it was for me to act like a mature adult when it comes to shameless digs at his fragile manhood psyche.

Grumbling, stumbling, mumbling into the bedroom...white cream slathered from his eyebrows to his chin..."WHaaaAAaT?"

"Is this what you used on your eyes?" I was trying so hard not to pee in my pants.

"Yup! It works awesome too. Look!" proud as a peacock.

"Yes honey, I see it...um...you wanna read the label for me?" this is going to be so great....

~snort~ "Whatever, VVV-aaAAA-G" (sounding it out using a short 'g' sound)

I was doing all I could to contain myself....."No, try it again, this time with the soft G like 'J' sound"...I am dancing up and down with giddiness! These are paydays for me. Paydays for all the stupidity that is my life in a house of dumbass men.

Now Duke is clearly irritated that he has had to get up from his race only to be mocked for his lack of literacy, but he humors me......"VVVVV-aaAAAA-GGGGG-I" (using the long I sound here)

"VAGINA!? What the hell have you done to me? You made me put vagina on my face!"


~sigh of contentment, it doesn't get much better than this~"No, dumbass, it's Vagisil and I told you to put my steroid cream on your rash, not my feminine itch cream." I calmly pulled down my unmentionables and began to relieve myself. My job here was done.

Fuming, stomping "Kiss my ass! You had better never tell a soul. And for the record, it worked perfectly so I must have done something right!" he then stormed off to return to his love affair with Nascar and that, for once, was OK with me.

"Honey...don't forget your Vagina." and I threw the tube at his back and it dropped on the bathroom floor.

Heh. My world is so awesome.




No eyeballs, or manballs, were harmed in the making of this exact reenactment of a true story. No names have been changed, no products have been substituted.

You're welcome, ladies...it was my pleasure. I will wait for the divorce papers to show up in the morning honey.



I would like to thank the academy

I want to thank everyone who "discovered" my blog over the past few weeks. I noticed my follower count is over 100 and I can't believe that many people want to read the crap I post here. I never get tired of the awards although I have to say, it is too difficult for me to choose only a few people to pass them to. So I will cheat and say that I love all of my readers and I want all of them to have these awards. Please read my blogroll and visit my friends there! I try really hard to keep it updated and if I have missed someone, it is an oversight and I will catch up soon!


So here are two new awards I have received recently. All of these ladies are new readers and that makes me so excited! Go visit them and follow them blindly!


Our lovely blog award from For What it's worth and Diary of a Mad Bathroom





Over the Top award from Speaking from the Crib and she also made me Top Blog of the Week! I think I love her....

Thank you everyone for making me feel loved and helping me balance my sanity. I think I may have to quit my job so I can devote more time to all of you!
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No comments. I want everyone to go visit my buddies and leave them some love!

Post It NoteTuesday - I'm a bit cranky






I was not nearly as ambitious this week, no fancy schmancy clipart...sorry.



In leiu of Letterman's recent announcement:




The next goes without explanation:




This guy has to be the creepiest:




Really? Is he 12?




Why do I love my dogs?





Side note: I think I am going to remove my girl parts in an 'at home' surgery with a spoon and a pair of fingernail clippers.

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