Let me take advantage of you for a minute.

I'm gonna post something here.  Something that I write.  Not just something I find on Facebook or something stupid the boys do while they are shoving their faces with carbs, or running around with their tightie whities on their heads.  I'm gonna write something... it's been a while.  this post will have no silly pictures, no blind jabs at Duke... this post is about me

I know its a shock.

I will give you a few minutes to process it before I start.

pause

pause

I guess I am going to use you all for a minute... kind of like I'm taking advantage of you (at least it feels that way to me).


I'm not one to do that so it feels awkward.

I don't go blog hopping anymore, don't get through my reader or have time to comment on your blogs so for me to expect anyone to be here to read this... well, it's like taking without giving back.  I don't do that, it's not my style, so bear with me.. maybe you feel like reading a rambling post as I clear my thoughts?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hello, My name is CHIEF and I am a rescuer.

My whole life I have been the rescuer of all of my relationships (except, miraculously, my marriage PHEW!).  You know the kind like me.  The one who is sure that if she is always there to catch someone as they fall, listen when others are fighting a battle, give when no one else is giving.  That's me.  I hate this about myself.  I HATE that this is how I feel validated as a person.  I have learned that the reason I do this is that maybe by always being the giver... REFUSING TO RECEIVE somehow this will make people like me, think I am worthy of friendship, that this will protect me from hurt.

You would think I would have learned by age 37 that this isn't how it works.

All of the one sided relationships I have had where I am the giver, the rescuer have all turned sour.  I have been left hurting.

So many...  why haven't I learned?  I'm so frustrated with myself!  ( Just last year I posted this... I went back to reread it and it sounds eerily similar.  I'm a dumbass.. snort)

I remember so many of my relationships as a teenager being one sided.  IF I JUST DO EVERYTHING for my friends, boyfriends, siblings, parents.. they will accept me.  Such a toxic habit to form at such a young age.  It leaked into adulthood and if I hadn't found a spouse who refused to allow me to feel like this was the only way to validate my usefulness in a relationship.. who knows where I would be today.

Recently I had  another relationship wakeup call. It doesn't happen that often anymore really.  I have a pretty good sized wall built that only the REALLLY tenacious can scale so this wakeup call was a DOOOZY!  Poor Duke had to walk me through the process all over again.  Chief feels used, Chief feels taken advantage of, cheated, hurt by those she was closest to.  Chief feels victimized.

I'm so stupid.
Who's fault is it?  Truly?  It's not the offending party, its me.  It's my fault.

It's time for me to finally learn that I shouldn't seek out unhealthy people who will allow me to rescue them or who will allow me to walk WAY out on that ledge for them emotionally (because they can't) just so they can nudge me off the cliff.  These people don't care about me... they never did. Even THEY may have thought they did at first, because really.. both sides were obviously jacked up but it was an unhealthy relationship that was one sided.  I allowed that to happen.  AGAIN!

*shakes head*

So where do I go from here?  Do I do what I ALWAYS do?  EVERY TIME this has happened in the past?  Do I shut down, build the relationship wall up again.. doubling the thickness, adding extra mortar between the cracks?  Maybe hire a dude with a gun to patrol it?

Nope

Not this time.  This time I will handle it differently.  I will put on my big girl panties and set the past behind me... learning from it of course.  I will not be the one who is left feeling wounded.  I have amazing people who love me.  Some I see every day and some I only get to love through the internetz... either way, these relationships are healthy and they are good for me and for my soul.

All in All.. I guess through all of this I have learned that I am who I am... the good, the bad, and the ugly, and that's just fine with those who really know me and love me.

The end.

Thanks for letting me be the user... I will try to make it up to you by peeking over at your blogs this weekend as I give thanks for all of the ABUNDANCE of blessings I have in my life.  I am one happy Chief right now!