Where's Waldo...er Chief?

Chief is on a break...  

I will try to get back for post its on Tuesday.

But you can bet your bunshole I will be ready for What I Meant to Say on Wednesday so you had better get with it and play along, or else.

Until then, go here and link up to meet some of my new friends!

If you haven't joined yet, do it!

We have Monday Mister Linky and Wednesday & Friday Guest posts each week.  Anyone can join and everyone can play along!  We already have almost 90 members and over 2000 hits in just 3 weeks!

Its a great place Where Everyone Belongs.

It's not always necessary to reach out and touch the ones you love when the middle finger will do... -Chief

I confess! I love Glamazon's Frozen Penis!

I confess! 

*holds arms up, waves them wildly, whining with a high pitched shrill*

1. I havent cleaned the bathroom in 3 weeks.

2. I laughed at Glamazon's frozen penis on her blog.  Then I considered copying it and adding a hat and face on the top of it and sending it to Duke.  Inappropriate.

3. I diagnose people with different forms of mental illness all the time.  Maybe once every day.  I feel I have license to do so since I am heavily medicated myself.  If you are in need of my service, email me.

4. I miss my dog when Im at work.

5. I farted at work and blamed it on Shawna when a student looked at me funny.  She still has no idea...err until now *wink.

6.  Instead of cleaning the bathroom, Im just going to go spray Clorox Clean-up around the house so it smells like I have cleaned it.

Now, go visit Glamazon and see her penis confessions.

It's not always necessary to reach out and touch the ones you love when the middle finger will do... -Chief

A Great New Idea! Thank You Very Much Thursday!

I have the greatest new Blog Carnival Idea!  

I know I just started one a few weeks ago, but this one is so unique and original I couldn’t let it slip by so bear with me.

Get this one... brace yourself!

Thank You Very Much Thursdays!  

 All you have to do is write a snarky thank you note to someone, link up and you are set!

OH SHIT!  I just thought of something….  I think this idea is already taken!

Yeah!  Over at The Daily Dribbles! Dammit!  This was gonna be my breakout hit! `sob'

 

Phew!  I’m glad I remembered though. I would hate to be a copycat! 

HOW TACKY WOULD THAT BE?

To copy someone's Blog Carnival and then pretend it was your idea all along?

 I guess the only thing left to do is link up with KMama for some serious Thank You snarkiness!










Dear Rotary International,

Thank you very much for giving Booger his very own dictionary today at school. 

Seriously, if I ever get to meet any of your members in person I may just double fist you in the throat.  For 4 hours now, I have had the dictionary read to me cover to cover, including parts of speech.  Not only is he using each word in a sentence, he is explaining to me things he calls “sub text” of which I have no idea and also reading me each pronunciation.  Wow!  It has been such a great night!

See where I went to school, our teacher made us COPY the dictionary when we “smarted off” in class (ahem..).  Our dictionaries were big and broken and had boogers smeared in the pages.  I remember my sixth grade teacher finally just let me keep one at my desk (it saved time and hassle each time I felt the need to interject during one of her lectures) and I may or may have added a few of my own definitions to some of the more colorful words.

Oh! What I could have done with my OWN DICTIONARY!  I too, could have tortured my parents with mindless jibberish that I would never use again.  Truly, who uses a hard copy dictionary anymore when you have Wiki or Dictionary.com? 

SIGH!

Such is life…at least I can tell you the parts of speech for the word Degenerate

de⋅gen⋅er⋅ate

 /v. dɪˈdʒɛnəˌreɪt; adj., n. dɪˈdʒɛnərɪt/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [v. di-jen-uh-reyt; adj., n. di-jen-er-it] Show IPA verb, -at⋅ed, -at⋅ing, adjective, noun

–verb (used without object)

1.	to fall below a normal or desirable level in physical, mental, or moral qualities; deteriorate: The morale of the soldiers degenerated, and they were unable to fight.

2.	to diminish in quality, esp. from a former state of coherence, balance, integrity, etc.: The debate degenerated into an exchange of insults.

3.	Pathology. to lose functional activity, as a tissue or organ.

4.	Evolution. (of a species or any of its traits or structures) to revert to a simple, less highly organized, or less functionally active type, as a parasitic plant that has lost its taproot or the vestigial wings of a flightless bird.

–verb (used with object)

5.	to cause degeneration in; bring about a decline, deterioration, or reversion in.

–adjective

6.	having fallen below a normal or desirable level, esp. in physical or moral qualities; deteriorated; degraded: a degenerate king.

7.	having lost, or become impaired with respect to, the qualities proper to the race or kind: a degenerate vine.

8.	characterized by or associated with degeneracy: degenerate times.

9.	Mathematics. pertaining to a limiting case of a mathematical system that is more symmetrical or simpler in form than the general case.

10.	Physics. a. (of modes of vibration of a system) having the same frequency. b. (of quantum states of a system) having equal energy.

–noun

11.	a person who has declined, as in morals or character, from a type or standard considered normal.

12.	a person or thing that reverts to an earlier stage of culture, development, or evolution.

13.	a sexual deviate.

---

Origin:
1485–95; < L dēgenerātus (ptp. of dēgenerāre to decline from an ancestral standard), equiv. to dē de- + gener-, s. of genus race (see genus ) + -ātus -ate ¹ ; see generate

Related forms:

de⋅gen⋅er⋅ate⋅ly, adverb

de⋅gen⋅er⋅ate⋅ness, noun

Synonyms:
1. worsen, decline, backslide, retrogress.

Dictionary.com Unabridged
Based on the Random House Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2010.

 
Well, It’s time for the kid to go to bed.  Maybe I will take a trip out the recycle bin with and make a deposit once I am sure he is fast asleep.  Hopefully, he will forget all about your useless product by morning, otherwise I would find yourself a secure place to hide if you don’t want to come face to face with The Chief. 

Signed,
Happily Illiterate Mother


Go link up!  Then pray for her little peanut who is undergoing a procedure today!  Sedation is so hard on the momma!  Have her in your thoughts!

It's not always necessary to reach out and touch the ones you love when the middle finger will do... -Chief

What I Meant to Say about Laundry Trades with Duke.

Hump day.  The most useless day of the week.  Until now! 

Come play.

Im looking for some new peeps and I know you are too, so quit yer whinin' and get with it for hell sakes!

Grab my "butt"on over there on my sidebar and out it in yer post. Then tell us what you meant to say or what you should have said or whatever the hell you want. Come back, link up and visit everyone for some gut busting laughs!


Let's get this party started...

Duke and his oblivious boys,

When I told you all I wanted for my birthday was a week with no laundry and you said:

"Sure!  You gotcher self a deal.. I will get right on it"

This is not what I meant by the words "Do The Laundry" (can't believe I have to clarify)

I guess I'm gonna have to make myself a bit more clear.

AHem..

1.  Pick up ALL the clothes from around the house. (even the kids rooms dumbass).  Everyone needs their underwear cleaned, not just yours.

2.  You are not doing yourself any favors by shoving the washing machine so full that it only takes 1 cup of effing water to fill up the tub.  This does not clean the clothes.  The soap has no room to swish therefore the dirt stays on the clothes.  It also means the clothes will be wrinkled and you will have to iron (gasp).  The dryer is not larger than the washer so it takes twice as long to get them dry when its jammed full like a constipated pit bull.  

3.  "Doing the laundry" means taking it through until the end.  The kitchen table is not the storage for our clothes (see above pic).  I don't want to have to dig through your boxers for my bras each morning.  Specially if they aren't getting clean (see #2).

4.  The socks need to be "balled".  I know it has been 14 months since they were matched but as all of us know, it is your turn.  Don't worry, I have taken care of my own over the past year... yours have been waiting. It's time.

5.  Next birthday, just buy me something.  The housework trade is the shits.

It's not always necessary to reach out and touch the ones you love when the middle finger will do... -Chief

Stick it to Supah Tuesday.. randomness

Click, try it, you'll like it

It's not always necessary to reach out and touch the ones you love when the middle finger will do... -Chief

all photos by google images

Chiefs list of relationship deal breakers

Im not one for a whole bunch of high maintenance relationships so when Supah and Mommybrain came up with this weeks Meme of relationship dealbreakers I thought this would be an easy one for me.

It was almost like there were too many deal breakers for me choose from...

I felt flooded with No,No's and couldn't narrow them down.  I just about gave up on the whole deal but thought I would persevere for the sake of friendship (afterall, Supah did sing to me for my birthday).

So, here's just a few of the biggest relationship deal breakers that will get you kicked out of Chief's social network:

1.  If you borrow money from me and don't repay, you're done.  This includes having me pay your way over and over, running up a tab you can't keep track of.  Trust me, I am keeping score and I promise I have a credit limit for you that if exceeded will cross you over into friendship deal breaker status. Adios cheapass!

2.  If I just barely meet you and you come to me with your personal problems, crying about an old boyfriend or menstrual issues... DEALBREAKER!  Move along to another suckah bawlass!  This Chief don't play dat way!  You gotta give me some time to decide if you are worth the trouble.

3.  Interrupting me while I am telling one of my great "Chiefstyle" stories, trying to one up me... I hate one uppers. 

ie.
"My life is harder than yours", 
"I owe more money to the mob than you do", 
"My kid is smarter than yours"
"My husband is hawter than yours"
"My nipples are smaller than yours"


ONE UPPERS SUCK.  Dealbreakers... good bye.










4.  If you're a neighbor I hardly know and you constantly ask me to watch your kids.  Dealbreaker.  I will watch your dog but watching your kids isn't my thang!  Kids have schedules... eating, pooping, sleeping... too much.

5.  Don't call me at home about work issues (except Melissa, you get a free pass cuz you are my lifesaver).  I will not answer your call, text, or voicemail message after hours.  The quickest way to piss me off is to call me at home because you flaked out and are too lazy to call me during work hours.  DEAL BREAKER and you will be crossed off my list for the rest of your life.  






PHEW!

I hope y'all took notes.  This list is a no joke.  Any one of these relationship infractions will mean instant ejection and in some cases (like double infractions such as one upping me, while asking me to watch your curtain climbers could inflict the death penalty).

Now, go show my peeps some love

It's not always necessary to reach out and touch the ones you love when the middle finger will do... -Chief

all photos by http://vi.sualize.us or google images

The best friends I could have...and such talent too!

Go see some of the funniest, crazyazz shisteez you will ever see and hear.  It's worth it... I promise..

Check out what my Pack did for me

They think they can force me to hug them when we finally meet.  I'm not sure I would go that far.  I have a very thick personal space bubble, even for supahstahs like the wolf pack.

But maybe, just maybe... if they sing me a song on Valentines day... I might reconsider. ~wink

THANKS GUYS!  YOU ARE THE GREATEST! 

Update: Laurie just sent me these.  Thanks Laurie, have fun in the Carribean!

It's not always necessary to reach out and touch the ones you love when the middle finger will do... -Chief

all photos by http://vi.sualize.us

That's What She Said... "a reply"

I loved hearing all of your advice yesterday on John's Confession ~wink~.  That was all sorts of fun.

I read every single one of your suggestions and thought about each of them.

So some of you said to wait a few weeks and make him squirm before I respond.  The problem with that was, I was squirming more than he was I am sure!  I would rather just get it over with and move on, it has already been several days and Im not one to do very well with the "letting things simmer in my gut for weeks" thing.

So I went to my FB inbox and hit reply and started typing a mixture of everyone's suggestions. 

Then I erased it.

I then shortened my response to "Thank You" like Princess said.

That seemed WAAAAY to thankful  lmao!

I typed out Busted Kate's reply "Go Forth and be awesome"  but that sounded like I was high.

Mindi went to the cussing and anger place and I kinda like that at first :)

But in the end, this was my reply:

John,
It is nice to hear from you.
Hope life is treating you well.
Thank you for your kind words.
Take care of yourself.
-Chief

Now, if you would all please pray for me that he does not respond further that would be great!  This week has been an emotional one in more than a thousand ways... I don't think I can handle anymore bull ca-ca.



P.S. Reading blogs this weekend... watch out, Im coming over to your place, putcher pants on!

It's not always necessary to reach out and touch the ones you love when the middle finger will do... -Chief

I confess... errr... I mean HE DOES!

DONTCHEW LUV THE BUTTON I MADE FOR GLAMAZON?

It is a work of art fo sho... click it and see what happens!

OK, SO SHE HASN'T PUT HER MISTER LINKY UP SO I MIGHT BE AT THIS ALONE TODAY... she has been real sick so we will give her a pass this week.  But that doesn't mean we can't enjoy her awesome button!

I have a very different Friday Confession this week......

ya see, I am not confessing to nuttin'!

I gots someone else to do it for me.

The kicker of the whole deal is HE HAS NO IDEA that he is confessing in front of the whole world!

Awesome huh?

I thought about it and decided that this dude was going to pay the price for every other a-hole guy that hurt a codependent, unsuspecting teenage girl like myself back in high school.

Let me give y'all a bit of a back story.

I didn't have a whole lot of friends that were girls (women friends are too high maintenance).  I could only handle one friend at a time and that friend and I were usually inseparable.  I felt more comfortable with guy friends and had many of those.  One of them was named John he and I were close.

John and I hung out a lot, he was one of the many males I have attempted to "rescue" throughout my life.  I used to be a rescuer but have grown out of that phase (much to the credit of a-holes like John who burned me one too many times until I finally figured out that those in need of rescue usually don't want to be rescued at all...)

So we were just friends, although I may have agreed to more if he didn't have a VERY steady girlfriend throughout our friendship.  He had a terrible home life and a frightening past that haunted him.  I remember nights on the phone trying to help him through rough patches with his dad, taking him to lunch instead of going to class because I knew he hadn't eaten, letting him sleep on the couch when he ran away from home.... and so on.

Well, in my Senior year, two years into my rescue attempt we had a huge fight that I don't need to go in to but lets just say, this is when I learned that this friendship was no good for me and I opted out.  After two years of psychological and emotional abuse, one day he steals your car and leaves you stranded at school for 5 hours and that is the straw that breaks camels back?  It was a very lonely time for me and started the ball rolling on my extremely painful quest for emotional independence. 

I never heard from John again.  Truthfully, I figured he was either dead or in prison. (Don't get me wrong, I thought about him a lot over the years but mostly because he stole my CD collection and I was pissed off.  The least he could do is return my Pink Floyd The Wall album!)

Ahem... back to the confession part of this Friday Confessional.

The other day I open up my Facebook account and see I had something in my Inbox:  I click the link to find this note:

(advise: names have been changed to protect the innocent)

Subject: Overdue Apology

Chief,

There are few people in this world that I owe a bigger apology to. I'm so sorry for the way that I was and the way that I treated you so long ago. You were a good friend and I was a complete piece of shit. I'm not here to make any excuses, just to let you know that I have had to live with myself for some of the poor decisions I made when I was younger. I've thought about you from time to time and I've been embarrassed for the way I acted. That's just been something I have had to live with and I am truly sorry.

I hope life is treating you and your family is well.

Sincerely,
John Howe

I was dumbfounded.  After over 20 years he sends this apology.  Incredible!  The guilt has probably been killing him and he had no idea how to get in touch with me so he had to hang onto it, deep down in his gut.  I can only assume he searched through our High School files on FB until he found me.  (For those of you who know my IRL name, it isn't THAT difficult to narrow people down with a name like mine ~snort) but I went to a very big high school so it is still something.  I also think it is something that he would have the "balls(nack)" to revisit something so far in the past.  Duke thinks its part of a 12 step program (the need to apologize to those you have wronged). I don't care what it is, that doesn't matter to me... what matters is he feels better tonight after writing the letter and one hole in my heart that I didn't even realize was there is healing.

Any suggestions on a reply? (keep in mind, I will not friend him on FB, I have no desire to know how he is doing... just wondering if it warrants a reply and if so, what do I say?)

Im hopping today as well! Go check it out!

It's not always necessary to reach out and touch the ones you love when the middle finger will do... -Chief

Thank You Very Much

I'm joining KMama for her Thank You Very Much Thursday MEme.

Lately Blog Carnivals are my thang... the subject suggestions sometimes jump start my dead brain cells and give me something to post.

I should be thankful for more things as I really don't have much to complain about compared to others who are suffering from illness, loss and loneliness.  This time of year it is important for me to focus more on what is going right...

Here goes:

I have great friends, a close family (sometimes this is good), a good job, and healthy, smart kids....

These are the things I am thankful for.  But that would make for a really boring, sorryass post so I decided to piggy back a challenge I got from a good friend Ju at Double Trouble to choose my favorite picture onto my thankful tribute.

I have so many pictures of the kids there is no way I could choose one over the other so thats out...

Then there's the one of Duke sleeping on the floor with his buttcrack showing. (oh yess I did)....I can't show that one or I would have to put a content warning at the top of my post...

So I went with one of my prized pictures of my Great, Great, Great Grandparents.  They are definitely something I am thankful for as the trials and tribulations they went through to get to this country are far worse than anything I will ever have to endure.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH TO:

Svend and Else Kjerstine Thomasdatter Sorenson

I definitely see the resemblance don't you!?

Thanks KMama... if you want to take a step back and remember what you should be thankful for.. head over and link up!

It's not always necessary to reach out and touch the ones you love when the middle finger will do... -Chief

What I Meant to Say to my Ass Midget

It's HUMP day again everyone!

and since there's nothing else better to do and I'm always too tired at night to actually....

ahem...

anyway, you catch my drift

It's time for another exciting installment of Chief's

I only gots one this week but its a doozie!

Dear Ass Midget,

yesterday, on the post it I sent you...  (BTW, I'm hoping you got that I refrained from shoving it up my sphincter in hopes just sticking it to my buttcheek would suffice.)



yeah um, I need to clarify something....

You know how I said I couldn't sit after working your ass off in the gym...

What I Meant to Say Was...


YOU HAD BETTER STOP USING MY THIGH MUSCLES AS SHOE LACES!  It's bad enough that all this water intake makes my bladder quake, but to then have to use a geriatric walker to ease myself onto the toilet seat every time I have to relieve myself  is just a little bit too much dontchathink? 


You've gone to the extreme when I have to call the local drug pusher and order morphine just so I can have a bowel movement?

Let this be a warning to you Midget...  stop using my glutes as dental floss or I will have no choice but to buy a giant thong and string your ass up in front of all the other Ass Midgets at the gym. (you remember what happened the last time I wore a thong dontchew?)

Ok... so you know what to do now... grab the button, write a post and link it up with Mister Linky and we will all come visit you... (and no humping people... this is a family friendly site)

It's not always necessary to reach out and touch the ones you love when the middle finger will do... -Chief

Stick it to Supah Tuesday.. My thighs are burnin'

It's not always necessary to reach out and touch the ones you love when the middle finger will do... -Chief

all photos by Ellen Degeneres?

I have just two items of blog business to attend to

First and most important:

I have a very special birthday wish for one of the nicest ladies in the bloggy world.

Laurie, I bought you a present....  it isn't much...but  it's all I could afford.

I was gonna buy you a truckload of felt, or a gift card to Stampin' Up, or even software for your Cricut... but then I thought "Chief, Laurie is worth more than that!  Give her the gift that keeps on giving!"

So Laurie, click to open your present:

 Pretty awesome huh?  I think he is into you!

 Second item of business:

Im on the road again today... grab a coke and a quick snack and meet me here to discuss Duke and his ridiculous T.V. habits with my friends at R.W.V.M.

I have the day off of work so I plan to visit with everyone in the comments over there throughout the day.  You don't want to miss out on the fun!  When do I ever have all day to chat with my friends? (P.S. I plan to sleep in so don't wake me up too early or I will be totally bitchy, trust me!)

It's not always necessary to reach out and touch the ones you love when the middle finger will do... -Chief

I Choke to Death "Serious Sundays in My City"

Today I am playing with Unknown Mami and her....

I have followed Lori Peterson each Sunday as she participates and it is one of my favorite posts she does!

Here's my attempt at achieving such greatness.  The only thing I will say beforehand is these are not my pictures. So in keeping with my rule breaking record I give you Sundays in MY City with pictures someone else took....




I live in a beautiful valley surrounded by mountain ranges on all sides.  I live in a bowl, basically.

A very beautiful bowl

image courtesy of library.thinkquest.org/.../SaltLakeCity.jpg

photo courtesy of googleimages.com

Until something happens...


Something very strange.... and miserable.


Every winter we get what we affectionately refer to as inversion hell.  The warmer air sits on top and pushes the cold air down and it gets trapped down in the bottom of our bowl...  

The bowl where we all live.  It gets very cold and the air becomes stagnant.  There is no wind, no movement, just sits and the air gets thicker and thicker.  You start to taste it.



In the valley where I live there are 1.2 million people living in a cloud (inversion hell) the majority of December- February each year.  Some years are worse than others, this year has been terrible.

 photo courtesy of googleimages.com

Remember the first pictures?  The beautiful city where I live?  This is that same city during an inversion.  I am under this cloud right now, sitting on my couch with my laptop, sucking on a tootsie pop.


Trying to breathe...


You see, if there are 1.2 million people trapped in a bowl of low pressure where air can't escape, imagine what happens when we drive our cars, run our wood burning stoves, smoke our cigarettes, fart.... 


It all gets trapped down in the bowl with us and it can't get out.  So it just gets thicker and thicker and thicker.


In the winter, our beautiful valley has the worst air quality in the nation.  Me and my severely asthmatic kids can't play outside, we struggle to breathe at night, our eyes and noses burn... depression is inevitable. 


I have been living in this cloud for the better of 6 weeks. 

Every day this is what I see...

A great split shot of what it looks like in an inversion vs. when our air is clean.

photo courtesy of chrisdetrick.com

photo courtesy of imageshack.com

 

Why would I stay here? 

I ask myself this every winter as I pack for our trip out of hell.  Escaping to somewhere warm.  

Should we move?

*pops another Zoloft*

And then Spring comes...

 photo courtesy of googleimages.com

and then Summer...

 photo courtesy of googleimages.com

and Fall.......

  photo courtesy of googleimages.com

and that is this Sunday in my City.

Come visit, but you may want to wait until mother nature sends some rain, or wind to clean out the bowl.  I think I will stick around... for now.

Don't forget to join We Believe Blogs, my new joint venture for all bloggers to network and meet one another.  Almost 1300 hits in one week!  Think of all the exposure!

It's not always necessary to reach out and touch the ones you love when the middle finger will do... -Chief