Who wants to talk about S.E.X. anyway... NOT ME!

I'm back again... don't get to used to it... I'm just in a contemplative mood lately... I think its hormones.

I've been thinking a lot about my marriage lately.  Is this strange?  I don't know.  I mean, we ALL think about our marriages a lot... we have to because we live with the insanity each day right?

I've been married to Duke over 17 years... not an epic amount of time but nothing to sneeze at either. Especially for a 37 year old.

Our marriage is typical.. at least I think it is.  We squabble over stupid crap where I am right and he is just stupid.  We spend all of our free time together, rarely go to bed separately, make joint decisions on parenting of the delinquents, and share the same views on religion etc.  I go to Duke when I have a problem at work, with friends or just a problem within myself and need third party advice (he's pretty good at drilling down to the root of the issue and is a great listener).  I know that even when I make Duke REALLY, REALLY mad and he says stuff that is REALLY, REALLY uncalled for that he still loves me and he isn't going anywhere.  I'm not everything he needs all the time and neither is he.<---believe me.. snort.  After all these years I think we have come to that realization and have learned to ignore those things we wish we could change.  Basically... I have given up expecting him to ever be tidy or even halfway decent when it comes to cleanliness.  He has given up expecting an abundance of affection from me and knows that even though I don't pinch his butt as we pass in the hall... I still love him with everything I have.

So why am I posting this?

Well, I stumbled across this a few days ago.  It's a listing of the 50 best blogs for marriage advice. My blog is listed there.  I have no idea who runs this site but I have to tell you I (heart) them!  Not because they listed me, although I am flattered... I think its great that with all the crap I put on this blog about Duke and his antics and his epic dumbassness.. someone understands that this is a healthy marriage.  It doesn't have to look like Ozzie and Harriet every day as long as there is mutual respect, patience and love behind every action.

For those of you who have stopped by looking for the typical marriage advice... the kind where a educated lady in a tight suit is sitting behind a desk pushing you to discuss your sex lives... this isn't that place. 

This is just Chief... trying to survive this....

and this...

 and this...

without ending up in front of the lady in the tight dress talking about my non-existent sex life.

Let me take advantage of you for a minute.

I'm gonna post something here.  Something that I write.  Not just something I find on Facebook or something stupid the boys do while they are shoving their faces with carbs, or running around with their tightie whities on their heads.  I'm gonna write something... it's been a while.  this post will have no silly pictures, no blind jabs at Duke... this post is about me

I know its a shock.

I will give you a few minutes to process it before I start.

pause

pause

I guess I am going to use you all for a minute... kind of like I'm taking advantage of you (at least it feels that way to me).


I'm not one to do that so it feels awkward.

I don't go blog hopping anymore, don't get through my reader or have time to comment on your blogs so for me to expect anyone to be here to read this... well, it's like taking without giving back.  I don't do that, it's not my style, so bear with me.. maybe you feel like reading a rambling post as I clear my thoughts?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hello, My name is CHIEF and I am a rescuer.

My whole life I have been the rescuer of all of my relationships (except, miraculously, my marriage PHEW!).  You know the kind like me.  The one who is sure that if she is always there to catch someone as they fall, listen when others are fighting a battle, give when no one else is giving.  That's me.  I hate this about myself.  I HATE that this is how I feel validated as a person.  I have learned that the reason I do this is that maybe by always being the giver... REFUSING TO RECEIVE somehow this will make people like me, think I am worthy of friendship, that this will protect me from hurt.

You would think I would have learned by age 37 that this isn't how it works.

All of the one sided relationships I have had where I am the giver, the rescuer have all turned sour.  I have been left hurting.

So many...  why haven't I learned?  I'm so frustrated with myself!  ( Just last year I posted this... I went back to reread it and it sounds eerily similar.  I'm a dumbass.. snort)

I remember so many of my relationships as a teenager being one sided.  IF I JUST DO EVERYTHING for my friends, boyfriends, siblings, parents.. they will accept me.  Such a toxic habit to form at such a young age.  It leaked into adulthood and if I hadn't found a spouse who refused to allow me to feel like this was the only way to validate my usefulness in a relationship.. who knows where I would be today.

Recently I had  another relationship wakeup call. It doesn't happen that often anymore really.  I have a pretty good sized wall built that only the REALLLY tenacious can scale so this wakeup call was a DOOOZY!  Poor Duke had to walk me through the process all over again.  Chief feels used, Chief feels taken advantage of, cheated, hurt by those she was closest to.  Chief feels victimized.

I'm so stupid.
Who's fault is it?  Truly?  It's not the offending party, its me.  It's my fault.

It's time for me to finally learn that I shouldn't seek out unhealthy people who will allow me to rescue them or who will allow me to walk WAY out on that ledge for them emotionally (because they can't) just so they can nudge me off the cliff.  These people don't care about me... they never did. Even THEY may have thought they did at first, because really.. both sides were obviously jacked up but it was an unhealthy relationship that was one sided.  I allowed that to happen.  AGAIN!

*shakes head*

So where do I go from here?  Do I do what I ALWAYS do?  EVERY TIME this has happened in the past?  Do I shut down, build the relationship wall up again.. doubling the thickness, adding extra mortar between the cracks?  Maybe hire a dude with a gun to patrol it?

Nope

Not this time.  This time I will handle it differently.  I will put on my big girl panties and set the past behind me... learning from it of course.  I will not be the one who is left feeling wounded.  I have amazing people who love me.  Some I see every day and some I only get to love through the internetz... either way, these relationships are healthy and they are good for me and for my soul.

All in All.. I guess through all of this I have learned that I am who I am... the good, the bad, and the ugly, and that's just fine with those who really know me and love me.

The end.

Thanks for letting me be the user... I will try to make it up to you by peeking over at your blogs this weekend as I give thanks for all of the ABUNDANCE of blessings I have in my life.  I am one happy Chief right now!

I have found a mate for my son... I think she can set him straight

Im back.. but not really...

I brought her instead.. and let me explain something to you... I want to squeeze the stuffing out of this little punkin' head. I wonder if her mom believes in arranged marriages because I think this chick would be a perfect fit for Curly/Booger!

Yes, its lengthy.. yes, its worth it or I wouldn't have posted it... Grab a bag of cheetos and kick back for the best story you have ever heard!

The story of Jonah from Corinth Baptist Church on Vimeo.

How I almost smashed a skinny b*tch at Costco

 So Duke and Chief have decided we want to live past 50.  (This means Duke has to hurry, he only has a few more years.)


Anyhoodle.. we have the eating plan, not a diet.. but a plan a dietitian put together.  Im done with the "fad" crap.. done them all.. and Im still huge.

So we head over to COSTCO to spend our life savings on all the shizz this “food guru” told us we had to eat. (healthy food is freakin' expensive).  We have lists and menus and protein counts and crap I hate… it takes us hours but we finally have a cart that is overflowing with grapefruits, rice crackers, chicken, laughing cow cheese….  Things skinny people eat I guess.

I send Greg over to buy me one last polish dog and diet coke while I wait in line.<----see I still got issues…

This lady behind me has one item and has the balls to ask if she can go ahead of me.. she promises to pay cash.  Whatever.. she was a skinny bitch… buying an electric blanket that Im sure she wouldn’t even need if she would just put on 100 lbs.  I let her in front and she proceeds to talk.  Talk. Talk. Talk.  About all of the food in my cart.. WHILE SHE UNLOADS ALL OF IT ONTO THE BELT!  Seriously a stranger going through my groceries.. Im gonna need therapy already.... this is going downhill fast

“Wow!  You must have a BIG family!” (which I enterpret as “DO YOU REALLY NEED TO EAT THIS MUCH? Tsk tsk tsk.)

I say dryly “Gotta try to eat better” (which I hope she interprets as “GET THE EFF AWAY FROM ME”)

She goes on and on an million words a minute<-not exaggerating about The Biggest Loser and how it has inspired her to be healthy, how it’s not humiliating for THOSE PEOPLE (I think I am classified as one of those people)… she gives the cashier her cash and I am feeling relieved to see her finally go when…

You guessed it…

The cashier shorted her $1.

OMGolly!

So she has to wait for me to check out completely (oh the irony) for the guy to open the drawer to retrieve her $1.. I am frantically searching for $1 in my purse to give her while she continues analyzing the weights of my veggies and reading the nutritional information on my crackers.

I cant make this stuff up… 

what she does next is epic… I peek at Greg over sitting under the umbrellas (that are inside the store!  what is that about anyway?).. waiting for me with my polish dog (onions and mustard and Ketchup dripping from the sides) and D.C.  My mouth is salivating… My last meal.

Im trying with all my might not to smash this leaf eater with my massive tonage...

She FINALLY gets her dollar and as she is walking away, she yells THROUGH THE ENTIRE STORE (Costco never has less than 50,000 people in it at one time)   

SHE YELLS..

“GOOD LUCK ON YOUR DIET!  DON’T WORRY, YOU WILL DO GREAT! YOU AREN’T THAT BIG!”

and with that I am left as I always do…the obese chick with the huge cart of healthy food heading over to eat a greasy polish dog.

Pain is a Feeling - Serious Sunday

 

 

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. 

People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. 

Love hurts. 

Feelings are disturbing. 

People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. 

How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? 

Pain is meant to wake us up. 

People try to hide their pain. 

But they're wrong. 

Pain is something to carry, like a radio. 

You feel your strength in the experience of pain. 

It's all in how you carry it. 

That's what matters. 

Pain is a feeling. 

Your feelings are a part of you. 

Your own reality. 

If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. 

You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

 

-Jim Morrison 

(and BTW I'm fine.. no need to be alarmed.  Just deep in thought... move along, nothing to see here.)