(Hiding from the Kids)

Conversations With Big Brained Bud

2012-01-04T20:30:00.001-07:00

Bud: "How does Maggie function with such a small brain?"

Me: "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Bud: "Im just saying... humans have huge brains and yet I barely get by every day"

Me: "Wow... profound"...as I watch Maggie clean her own ass

Damn I love that dog kid

Happy Holidays From the Crazies 2011

2011-12-10T14:24:00.001-07:00

I'm not one for Christmas cards, at least not conventional ones. Don't get me wrong, at one time I was the Christmas Card queen, spending hours looking for just the right blend of funny along with a good picture. But as the years pass, I have become ~~lazy~~ caught up with more important things like ~~T.V.~~... errr giving to the poor. I'm not going to jot down insignificant facts in a boring letter about what we have been up to this year. Not gonna brag about my weight loss, Duke's hair loss, or the boys brain loss... NOPE... not gonna do it in this post (I will save it for next weeks).

Instead...

My camera wielding sister took this great shot of me and "the boys". It about sums it all up.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

2011-11-27T16:33:00.001-07:00

Sunday Night...

That dreaded time of the week when everyone is pissed because the laundry is piled to the ceiling, procrastinated homework is being done, we are all so sick of each other and yet the elephant in the room is that we all know we have to return to the daily grind the next day.

It just isn't Sunday unless someone is in tears or another has threatened to run away<----usually Chief.

I wonder if the pioneers had to go through this...

Thanks! For minding your own business! winkie winkie

2011-11-22T17:40:00.001-07:00

In honor of Turkey Day and since we have recently resurrected the blogspot and decided to turn it into our family journal of sorts, we thought we would list the top things we are thankful for.

FIRST, ON A SERIOUS NOTE: (scroll down for classic (Hiding from the Kids) banter)

(We are letting Curly start since he is the youngest and wisest of the group and because he has the easiest time being serious while the rest of us yuck it up)

Curly: I'm grateful my mom works at my school. Once she said she was quitting because one of the people she works with sucks and I told her I really didn't want her to leave. She promised she would stay even though she doesn't like her.

Bud: I'm grateful that my parents don't use physical punishment to get me to do what Im supposed to do (OK sometimes she flips me in the head with her fake nails during church when I won't stop punching Curly in the nuts, but that doesn't count). We aren't just a family, we are a unit that talks about everything and works things out. We are light hearted, with a sense of humor and are never afraid to laugh at ourselves (me and Duke more than anyone but that's ok).

Duke: I'm grateful that we were are out of debt and Chief and I make decisions about finances as partners. With the funds we have saved, when we are ready to retire we can build a cabin out in the middle of no where and watch the grandkids grow while we laugh at Bud and Curly trying to raise them.

Chief: I'm grateful that I have a husband who has his priorities in order, loving me and our kids more than his job or his video games. He is always willing to jump in and tackle tough parenting decisions, taxi driving, homework, grocery shopping and meal planning. He brings me home surprises (chocolate), he is friendly and kind to everyone and easy to love.

and now... we bring you MORE things we are grateful for... HFTK style. Drumroll Please....

Curly: I'm thankful for Thanksgiving dinner because I can eat as much grocery as I want and no one will judge me.

Bud: I'm thankful for Bean-o after Curly eats as much as he wants and we have to drive home with him.

Duke: I'm grateful for football, amen

Bud: Wait! Im grateful for football! Mom! Put in that I'm grateful for football more than Duke!

Curly: I'm done. I'm headed in to take a bath. This sucks.

Chief: I'm grateful for friends and coworkers who screenshot Facebook posts of another employee bashing me and then send them to me so I can share them with HR. Screenshot is AWESOME! (who do I thank for that? Steve Jobs?)

Bud: I'm grateful I'm not a vegetarian... (I also want to make it clear that the last post was not a picture of me FAILING at something new as some people may have interpreted it, it was a picture of me having a great time with my friends and we got a big kick out of the fact that one of them captured the wipeout! EPIC FAIL! HA HA HA! )

Duke: I'm grateful for bedtime... I love me some fartsack

Chief: I'm thankful for Sitemeter and Google analytics for supplying me with certain IP addresses and locations of visitors who promptly showed up after my post yesterday even if one of them only came because they are an Irritated, lonely, miserable bitch. Its nice to see I was missed :).

Bud: I'm grateful for the city sewer... laugh if you want but you haven't seen one of Chief's "deposits".

Chief: I'm thankful Bud has just eliminated himself from this game. (fbbbt.. excuse me....)

Duke: I'm thankful this post is almost done. Hopefully now people will shut up and keep their nose out of our business unless they are ready to laugh along with us.

Chief: I'm thankful that I am not so insecure and have better things to do than gossip about others, hurt peoples feelings, and embarrass myself in front of my colleagues.

and lastly, we are grateful for our true friends and family who love us just the way we are<---insert violin music here

I have a feeling some of these TRUE friends might have a thing or two to say so...

What are you all grateful for?

What's Bud Snortin?

2011-11-21T16:12:00.000-07:00

Yah Yah... I've been gone for a while

Whats it to ya?

Guess what I've been up to?

Guess yet?

Nothin'...

'cept trying to keep a 15 year old from inflicting any more damage to his brain than the hormones have already caused.

As some of you may remember, I don't live in a place where you can't grab a board and go surfing so we have places that have indoor surfing arenas. I know, I know.. sounds stupid. Bud insisted he go try this with his buddies and I totally advised him against it. I mean, he didn't inherit any grace from me or his dad I can promise you that.

But....

He didn't listen....

Im glad he wore a t-shirt or we may have needed to get him nipple transplants. On the bright side, there was no need to use a neti-pot for his clogged sinuses that night.

Just a ton of Random Crap

2011-04-23T20:08:00.000-06:00

I don't know why Im posting today. I think its because I opened my trap and promised FB I would...

I guess I got a bunch of crap stored in my brain and I need to unload it

So the Easter Bunny comes to our house on the Saturday before Easter. It's just they way he rolls.

He is also a lazy ass, obviously... case in point:

(A Facebook friend suggested I bring out the Christmas stockings... Im thinking about this very seriously.)

Ive had a horrible pain in my neck (no, not just Duke) and in my shoulder. I went to a crackopractor.. it helped immensely... he told me to stop typing on a laptop from my recliner. I am not going back.

Our housekeeper duties have been increased from bi-weekly to every week. Ive decided now that I am physically disabled<---remember my neck?---> I shouldn't be straining it by cleaning toilets.

Spring time in a public K-9 school is like working in an insane asylum without the rubber rooms. Mark my words, someone will get throat punched before May 27th.

Jack was a genius in this role

I bought a new bed<----remember the neck issue?. I found a steal at Costco and the only draw back is that I have to wait weeks for it to be delivered.

Im more and more impatient with whining. Especially from those who are capable of making life changes but choose to bitch and complain instead. These people made decisions (or allowed others to make them in their stead) and now they feel the need to act victimized and picked on by society. I didn't make their bed... poop or get off the pot, or lie in the bed you made and shut the hell up. Being an ornery miserable person is just gonna get your ass kicked.

Did I tell you Im getting a new bed?

Obesity in America

2011-03-12T19:21:00.000-07:00

Conversation with Booger - Somethings you just don't need to know.

2011-03-07T19:17:00.000-07:00

After Dinner

Booger/Curly: "Hey, Dad? Will you help me study for my Science test?"

Duke: "Sure Curly! What do I need to do?"

Boog: "Just ask me questions from this study guide. Dont ask me why its wet, trust me you dont want to know."

Duke: "um.... trust me I DO want to know."

(Chief braces herself for the inevitable)

Booger: "It's dog pee." silence.. as Duke drops the wad on the ground "see, I told you, you wouldn't want to know"

(How am I'm right every time?)

Where the hell have I been?

2011-02-18T21:59:00.000-07:00

I dont think I have much to say here although if you asked the people closest to me, I rarely shut my mouth...

so where have I been?

I don't know... Ive just been existing. Not that Im sad, or depressed or feeling sorry for myself. Im just around. Getting stuff done. Waiting for a new phase I suppose.

Im still me, still Chief. Just not "blogging chief"...

I have found myself working on IRL relationships and finding stability there...

Work has changed drastically <---probably for the better.. too busy to complain too much, but not so busy that I am manic

Homelife is good, we are content.

Bud is starting to plan for High School and Im not ready. I find myself longing for the "empty nest" stage in my life but then I start pulling back hard against sending him off to experience the years of my life that were so dark and painful. High School.

Curly is changing too... growing up.. turning into his mother. He makes us laugh and makes us angry all in the same instant... the apple doesn't fall far does it?

Will this blog ever be the way it was? I hope not because that will mean that I am not evolving as a person. Two years ago this blog was something completely different that it was when it hit its peak last year. That's how it should be.

Im proud of it because it is who I am. I never fake it here.

Until next time....

Ciao :)

Did someone say, outdoor playset? IN THIS WEATHER? he he

2011-02-08T07:21:00.000-07:00

If you are a blogger who has been around a while you have most certainly heard CSN Stores. Its like a mall on steroids... seriously. CSN Stores has over 200 online stores where you can find anything you need whether it be outdoor playsets, fitness equipment, or even cute cookware!

I have purchased a memory foam mattress pad, pet supplies, dinnerware, and a crock pot over the past year and everything has been of the utmost quality.

Check it out! Head over and browse around... you wont be sorry!

(I know, another compensated post... momma needs to keep the lights on in this place ya know!)

Let's talk about goggles shall we?

2011-02-06T11:09:00.001-07:00

So its been a year since I was fitted for eyeglasses and I can feel its time for another exam.. grrr...

I try not to think about the fact that 3 years ago I had Lasik and was promised a lifetime of "goggle free eyeballs".

It's a good thing I found GlassesUSA.com last year with three of us now requiring glasses, the money can get a bit tight.

GlassesUSA.com carries discount eyeglasses and has so many styles to choose from I had no problem finding mens eyeglasses for Duke and discount eyeglass frames for Bud. I chose retro eyeglasses for myself and get so many compliments about how unique they are and how great they look.

So whether you are looking for designer eyeglasses, rimless eyeglasses, or an extra pair of reading glasses... They make it easy not to have to search through tons of eyeglass stores, deal with the obnoxious salesmen and wait in long lines.

Right now they have some great promotions happening:

you can save 10% on your next order of glasses with the code:Mommy10
Valentines Day Sale:
- Take $10 off any order of $100 or more when you use the code: 10FS
- Take $15 off any order of $150 or more when you use the code: 15FS
- Take $30 off any order of $200 or more when you use the code: BeMyValentine

**The 3 offers listed above also have free shipping to anywhere in the US or Canada.**

These offers expire 2/14/11

(as you may have guessed, I was compensated for this post :)

Why sons should ALWAYS sit with their mothers on ferrys

2011-01-26T09:50:00.001-07:00

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After spending 5 hours in the sun at the most beautiful beach in the world (Trunk Bay Beach), we boarded the ferry to travel from St. John to St. Thomas USVI last week and had to make the choice of whether to sit on the top deck in the sun, or below deck where it was shaded. This was our first day of intense Vitamin D intake and Melatonin and I was exhausted. The boys (all three) wanted to continue to bake so they abandoned me to sit alone below.

Within a few minutes an extremely large gentleman sat next to me and the ferry began to fill up quickly so we had to squeeze in tight to accommodate all of the passengers. This meant I was practically sitting on this strangers lap as he dialed his phone and began to speak loudly to his buddies about kids, life and future plans. I couldn't help but notice he had a large ring on his finger and after studying it nonchalantly, I realized it was a Super Bowl ring.

The glee swelled up inside me as I realized that I was in the most coveted seat on the ferry and the look on the boys faces when they find out that karma will come back to bite them in the ass for abandoning their mother in a strange land... MWAHAHAHAHA.. oooo... I couldn't wait to break the news!

After he finished his phone conversation the other passengers and I inquired who he played for and what he was doing now. If he missed playing the game and what he loved most about retirement. After the 45 minute ride he posed for pictures and we all said our goodbyes as I skipped off the boat and waited to break the news to the football fans.

The look on their faces was priceless as I explained what they had missed, showed them the pictures and pointed to his large frame getting into his car in the parking lot.

Ah sweet justice.

Me and Roland Williams :)

What have I been doing for 14 years?

2010-12-13T05:00:00.003-07:00

Always a moms payday to be with your kids as they venture out into the world exploring and experiencing new things.

Tonight was one of those paydays when Bud asked me if I could replace his shoelaces in his school shoes for him.

this was my reply:

Hell no, son... you can do that shizz on your own!

Bud: But I don't know how?

GASP! WHAT THE...?!?

I think I heard the earth shake which leads me to ask this...

Where have I gone wrong that my 14 year old does not know how to change his own shoelaces?

I am not an enabler. I expect my kids to do things for themselves mostly because I want them not to turn out like their dad :)<---bless his heart... His mom totally coddled him and the amount of suffering I have endured due to her poor parenting is epic. In fact, this blog would be nothing without her parenting fails now that I think about it.

So in the end Duke and I sat back and watched him change his shoelaces, determined to somehow change genetics.... It took hours. First to get the frayed laces out and then to add the new ones in.

What else have I missed teaching him in these 14 years?

I have an idea for a great new invention.... THE "GOODIE" SNAPPER-OFFER

2010-12-06T09:56:00.002-07:00

I have a very important subject to discuss with everyone today that really pisses me off... LITERALLY!

I work in a building with nearly 70 employees. Four (4) of which are of the male species.

We all share one staff bathroom...Im totally serious...

You wanna see me go apeshit all over this joint?

Allow me to walk in to said bathroom and see this...

I've decided to have some of these installed...

Hopefully he won't trip on the chains

If we continue to have problems I may have to resort to inventing something like this....

The fear of having his "goodies" snapped off might make him rethink his absentmindedness

By the way... using my Madlock like detective skills, I've narrowed down the culprit of this atrocity to 1 of 4 people. (I'm a genius huh?)

I got 'Legit' Street 'Cred'

2010-12-03T05:00:00.004-07:00

Bud: "Hey Chief... the guys told me they thought you were "legit" the other day after you dropped us off at the school"

Chief: defensive..."What the hell is that supposed to mean!"

Bud: "It's a good thing mom... it means you are 'tight' " obviously disgusted with my lack of 'street cred'

I was too ~~perplexed~~ embarrassed to respond.

So I have to ask y'all out there...

Did he just call me a tight ass?

snort

Conversations with "The boys"

2010-12-01T21:09:00.001-07:00

Now that I am raising an adolescent our conversations sometimes look a little bit different than they did a few years back... but I'm pretty "DOPE" so I can keep up with the parenting trends.

So sometimes our convos come through this:

Tonight I had one such unexpected conversation with Bud.

Let me set the stage for y'all

Homework time.. Bud is less than 20 feet from me working on his Algebra.

My BB beeps, notifying me that I have received a text. Thinking it's either Princess playing with her new android or Shawna<--BFF... I quickly take a look.

I see this:

FROM BUD: "Hey, you wanna compare answers?"

eeerrrrrrrr .... bishhhhh <---stop the bus

Chief: confused ... thinks silently: Huh? What the hell? saying out loud "What are you talking about Bud?"

Bud: replies "Whut?"

Chief: "Compare answers to what?"

Bud: " Huh?" obviously getting nervous

Chief: " BUD, YOU JUST TEXTED ME FROM ACROSS THE ROOM! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING?" I so am not in the mood to deal with dumbasses tonight

Bud: "Oh.... woops.... I thought I was texting Brooklyn" sweat beads starting to form

Chief: "You are grounded"

suddenly we hear a matter of fact comment from behind the computer in the living room

Booger: "Ha Ha BUSTED! I can't wait to tell Noah that Bud just got busted cheating. What an idiot... Who texts his own mom asking to share answers? He's such an embarrassment to the family."

Duke: "NO kidding! Where did this kid come from?"

Booger: shaking his head "Holy crap dad! Have you heard of DNA?"

sigh... pray for me

What will you buy today?

2010-12-01T14:37:00.001-07:00

I have had a dream for a long time...

That there is a place where you can walk in and buy whatever you need,

from a wrench to an ice cream scoop...

a outdoor grill to a a huge assortment of TV Tables

all in one place (can you just imagine it?)

Well, i think I found it. I was approached by an online vendor by the name of CSN Stores to do a review on my site. (yes, I get something free... back off) So while it is indeed a review and that in the upcoming weeks I will be posting about my freebie, I promise to make it as entertaining and worth your read as possible.

Duke is fighting to get more tools for him to leave scattered all over the garage floor for me to run over. I want a new set of sheets for our bed. I looked at their housewares and maybe I will score a new saucepan...

I guess you will have to just wait and see... ~wink

talk to me about it.. you wont be sorry!

Who wants to talk about S.E.X. anyway... NOT ME!

2010-11-26T11:30:00.000-07:00

I'm back again... don't get to used to it... I'm just in a contemplative mood lately... I think its hormones.

I've been thinking a lot about my marriage lately. Is this strange? I don't know. I mean, we ALL think about our marriages a lot... we have to because we live with the insanity each day right?

I've been married to Duke over 17 years... not an epic amount of time but nothing to sneeze at either. Especially for a 37 year old.

Our marriage is typical.. at least I think it is. We squabble over stupid crap where I am right and he is just stupid. We spend all of our free time together, rarely go to bed separately, make joint decisions on parenting of the delinquents, and share the same views on religion etc. I go to Duke when I have a problem at work, with friends or just a problem within myself and need third party advice (he's pretty good at drilling down to the root of the issue and is a great listener). I know that even when I make Duke REALLY, REALLY mad and he says stuff that is REALLY, REALLY uncalled for that he still loves me and he isn't going anywhere. I'm not everything he needs all the time and neither is he.<---believe me.. snort. After all these years I think we have come to that realization and have learned to ignore those things we wish we could change. Basically... I have given up expecting him to ever be tidy or even halfway decent when it comes to cleanliness. He has given up expecting an abundance of affection from me and knows that even though I don't pinch his butt as we pass in the hall... I still love him with everything I have.

So why am I posting this?

Well, I stumbled across this a few days ago. It's a listing of the 50 best blogs for marriage advice. My blog is listed there. I have no idea who runs this site but I have to tell you I (heart) them! Not because they listed me, although I am flattered... I think its great that with all the crap I put on this blog about Duke and his antics and his epic dumbassness.. someone understands that this is a healthy marriage. It doesn't have to look like Ozzie and Harriet every day as long as there is mutual respect, patience and love behind every action.

For those of you who have stopped by looking for the typical marriage advice... the kind where a educated lady in a tight suit is sitting behind a desk pushing you to discuss your sex lives... this isn't that place.

This is just Chief... trying to survive this....

and this...

without ending up in front of the lady in the tight dress talking about my non-existent sex life.

Let me take advantage of you for a minute.

2010-11-25T11:16:00.002-07:00

I'm gonna post something here. Something that I write. Not just something I find on Facebook or something stupid the boys do while they are shoving their faces with carbs, or running around with their tightie whities on their heads. I'm gonna write something... it's been a while. this post will have no silly pictures, no blind jabs at Duke... this post is about me

I know its a shock.

I will give you a few minutes to process it before I start.

pause

pause

I guess I am going to use you all for a minute... kind of like I'm taking advantage of you (at least it feels that way to me).

I'm not one to do that so it feels awkward.

I don't go blog hopping anymore, don't get through my reader or have time to comment on your blogs so for me to expect anyone to be here to read this... well, it's like taking without giving back. I don't do that, it's not my style, so bear with me.. maybe you feel like reading a rambling post as I clear my thoughts?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hello, My name is CHIEF and I am a rescuer.

My whole life I have been the rescuer of all of my relationships (except, miraculously, my marriage PHEW!). You know the kind like me. The one who is sure that if she is always there to catch someone as they fall, listen when others are fighting a battle, give when no one else is giving. That's me. I hate this about myself. I HATE that this is how I feel validated as a person. I have learned that the reason I do this is that maybe by always being the giver... REFUSING TO RECEIVE somehow this will make people like me, think I am worthy of friendship, that this will protect me from hurt.

You would think I would have learned by age 37 that this isn't how it works.

All of the one sided relationships I have had where I am the giver, the rescuer have all turned sour. I have been left hurting.

So many... why haven't I learned? I'm so frustrated with myself! ( Just last year I posted this... I went back to reread it and it sounds eerily similar. I'm a dumbass.. snort)

I remember so many of my relationships as a teenager being one sided. IF I JUST DO EVERYTHING for my friends, boyfriends, siblings, parents.. they will accept me. Such a toxic habit to form at such a young age. It leaked into adulthood and if I hadn't found a spouse who refused to allow me to feel like this was the only way to validate my usefulness in a relationship.. who knows where I would be today.

Recently I had another relationship wakeup call. It doesn't happen that often anymore really. I have a pretty good sized wall built that only the REALLLY tenacious can scale so this wakeup call was a DOOOZY! Poor Duke had to walk me through the process all over again. Chief feels used, Chief feels taken advantage of, cheated, hurt by those she was closest to. Chief feels victimized.

I'm so stupid.
Who's fault is it? Truly? It's not the offending party, its me. It's my fault.

It's time for me to finally learn that I shouldn't seek out unhealthy people who will allow me to rescue them or who will allow me to walk WAY out on that ledge for them emotionally (because they can't) just so they can nudge me off the cliff. These people don't care about me... they never did. Even THEY may have thought they did at first, because really.. both sides were obviously jacked up but it was an unhealthy relationship that was one sided. I allowed that to happen. AGAIN!

*shakes head*

So where do I go from here? Do I do what I ALWAYS do? EVERY TIME this has happened in the past? Do I shut down, build the relationship wall up again.. doubling the thickness, adding extra mortar between the cracks? Maybe hire a dude with a gun to patrol it?

Nope

Not this time. This time I will handle it differently. I will put on my big girl panties and set the past behind me... learning from it of course. I will not be the one who is left feeling wounded. I have amazing people who love me. Some I see every day and some I only get to love through the internetz... either way, these relationships are healthy and they are good for me and for my soul.

All in All.. I guess through all of this I have learned that I am who I am... the good, the bad, and the ugly, and that's just fine with those who really know me and love me.

The end.

Thanks for letting me be the user... I will try to make it up to you by peeking over at your blogs this weekend as I give thanks for all of the ABUNDANCE of blessings I have in my life. I am one happy Chief right now!

I have found a mate for my son... I think she can set him straight

2010-11-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

Im back.. but not really...

I brought her instead.. and let me explain something to you... I want to squeeze the stuffing out of this little punkin' head. I wonder if her mom believes in arranged marriages because I think this chick would be a perfect fit for Curly/Booger!

Yes, its lengthy.. yes, its worth it or I wouldn't have posted it... Grab a bag of cheetos and kick back for the best story you have ever heard!

The story of Jonah from Corinth Baptist Church on Vimeo.

How I almost smashed a skinny b*tch at Costco

2010-11-07T10:48:00.000-07:00

So Duke and Chief have decided we want to live past 50. (This means Duke has to hurry, he only has a few more years.)

Anyhoodle.. we have the eating plan, not a diet.. but a plan a dietitian put together. Im done with the "fad" crap.. done them all.. and Im still huge.

So we head over to COSTCO to spend our life savings on all the shizz this “food guru” told us we had to eat. (healthy food is freakin' expensive). We have lists and menus and protein counts and crap I hate… it takes us hours but we finally have a cart that is overflowing with grapefruits, rice crackers, chicken, laughing cow cheese…. Things skinny people eat I guess.

I send Greg over to buy me one last polish dog and diet coke while I wait in line.<----see I still got issues…

This lady behind me has one item and has the balls to ask if she can go ahead of me.. she promises to pay cash. Whatever.. she was a skinny bitch… buying an electric blanket that Im sure she wouldn’t even need if she would just put on 100 lbs. I let her in front and she proceeds to talk. Talk. Talk. Talk. About all of the food in my cart.. WHILE SHE UNLOADS ALL OF IT ONTO THE BELT! Seriously a stranger going through my groceries.. Im gonna need therapy already.... this is going downhill fast

“Wow! You must have a BIG family!” (which I enterpret as “DO YOU REALLY NEED TO EAT THIS MUCH? Tsk tsk tsk.)

I say dryly “Gotta try to eat better” (which I hope she interprets as “GET THE EFF AWAY FROM ME”)

She goes on and on an million words a minute<-not exaggerating about The Biggest Loser and how it has inspired her to be healthy, how it’s not humiliating for THOSE PEOPLE (I think I am classified as one of those people)… she gives the cashier her cash and I am feeling relieved to see her finally go when…

You guessed it…

The cashier shorted her $1.

OMGolly!

So she has to wait for me to check out completely (oh the irony) for the guy to open the drawer to retrieve her $1.. I am frantically searching for $1 in my purse to give her while she continues analyzing the weights of my veggies and reading the nutritional information on my crackers.

I cant make this stuff up…

what she does next is epic… I peek at Greg over sitting under the umbrellas (that are inside the store! what is that about anyway?).. waiting for me with my polish dog (onions and mustard and Ketchup dripping from the sides) and D.C. My mouth is salivating… My last meal.

Im trying with all my might not to smash this leaf eater with my massive tonage...

She FINALLY gets her dollar and as she is walking away, she yells THROUGH THE ENTIRE STORE (Costco never has less than 50,000 people in it at one time)

SHE YELLS..

“GOOD LUCK ON YOUR DIET! DON’T WORRY, YOU WILL DO GREAT! YOU AREN’T THAT BIG!”

and with that I am left as I always do…the obese chick with the huge cart of healthy food heading over to eat a greasy polish dog.

Pain is a Feeling - Serious Sunday

2010-11-06T21:41:00.000-06:00

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all.

People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit.

Love hurts.

Feelings are disturbing.

People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous.

How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel?

Pain is meant to wake us up.

People try to hide their pain.

But they're wrong.

Pain is something to carry, like a radio.

You feel your strength in the experience of pain.

It's all in how you carry it.

That's what matters.

Pain is a feeling.

Your feelings are a part of you.

Your own reality.

If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality.

You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

-Jim Morrison

(and BTW I'm fine.. no need to be alarmed. Just deep in thought... move along, nothing to see here.)

PLEASE make her shut UP already!

2010-10-21T18:36:00.000-06:00

Its taken me 4 days to recover from the happenings of last weekend.

I was in Vegas with this woman

Wait... you dont know who this is just by looking at the picture?

Its her....

look how freaking obnoxious she is.. showing off her lego sculpture like the rest of us dont know how to stick plastic crap together and call it a stoplight. The colors are even all wrong! RED GOES ON TOP DUMBASS!

I want y'all to notice how disgusted I am in the background.

Everywhere I turned she was trying to steal my thunder.. rain on my parade, outdo my obvious awesomeness.

I was embarrassed for her really. Constantly trying to make up for her social retardation.

Especially when she came out of the bathroom one morning wearing the shirt BEDAZZLED "I AM SUPAH!" I knew then she had issues deeper than I had ever imagined.

snort

But moving on... away from the crazy...

Remember I told ya I was gonna hire a ~~prostitute~~ masseuse? I did it.. and guess what?

me likey

I asked lots of questions and made great friends with my new rubbing friend during the "service". I had no idea they were used to the quiet.. I thought she was very happy to have someone to chat with. I asked if she wanted to follow me into the shower to continue the conversation and she declined. Im sure she was super busy.

So I was all for this after feeling how wonderful and relaxed I was ALL OVER until I learned something very important. Did you know that when you get a massage all the lactic acid in your muscles gets released and you get major acid poop for days if you dont flush your system with water? Bet you didnt know that.

Did you know when you get acid poo you should not count on her to be sympathetic to your issues?

She just keeps doing this while you are hurting literally from the inside out. Taunting you with her food and incessant intake of alcohol.

ahem.. I thought we were going to stop talking about her?

please stay with me

WHAT DID YOU JUST ASK ME? "Why were you in Vegas Chief?"

ahem.. Im glad you asked... let me fill you in... I went for a Macaroni Kid Convention and it was amazing. Seriously the women all over the country that work with this company are beyond incredible. We all have the same goals and the collaboration between publishers was so refreshing. If you want to write, make money, while working around your kids schedules.. email me and we can get you set up! YOU WONT REGRET IT!

Not one of these ladies even cared that I was a Mormon and didnt drink alcohol or coffee or gamble... no one except this cutie patootie.... he kept shoving alcohol in my hands until just being around the fumes made me so whatever it is Im doing here.

WHO'S THAT YOU ASK?

Why ITS MEEKO FABULOUS from Ramblings of a Disgruntled Secretary. I lurve him and even let him hug me two times. I thought he was going to slap my ass at one point but a quick look out of the corner of my eye and he wisely decided against it.

It was SO fun to finally meet up with him and not have to listen to HER jabber on and on for a while. If I would have known that calling her out to the blogging world regarding her apparent mute status would light a fire to her tongue I would have totally thought twice. My ears are still ringing.

Who else did I meet? Is that what you asked?

Besides all the great publishers, Meeko and whats her name.. I met these two... crazy ladies who hitched a ride in my convertible Sebring to The Strip for some boob flashing and full moons....

and I met these hysterical bloggers who joined the Macaroni team...

That's Bree from Breebee.com and Shayna from Texas Monkey. They are related to each other through marriage and we had a great lunch watching Supah eat and get sloshed while I had butt pee.

WHAT A WEEKEND! I seriously didnt miss home at all... I coulda stayed for another week.

This adventure taught me that its ok to do sh!t for myself (I didnt say that I sh!t myself) I said DO SH!T for myself.. its ok to pay too much for a massage, rent a fancy car, get a pedicure, meet up with friends and refuel..

Its ok because I am a better person for it and therefore a better wife and mother...

now if I could just stop this ringing...

Just when you think no one is watching

2010-10-19T13:45:00.000-06:00

Ladies...

You know those bras you have that just don't fit right but you have no choice but to wear them because it's the only one that isn't in the bottom of the dirty clothes basket ~~because your dumbass husband promised he would do all the laundry while you were on your spa vacation but he neglected to do any of yours~~... ?

ahem

Well, I had one of those on today and all morning it was rubbing me the wrong way in all the wrong places.

I adjusted

I pulled

I shifted

I itched

Finally I left to go pick up lunch and while waiting for the light to change at the intersection I decided I had had enough. I was ditching the boulder holder...

We've all done it.. the bra removal without taking off your shirt. UNHOOK, pull through one arm, REACH THROUGH THE OTHER ARM HOLE and pull the bra out... VOILA!

sigh.. ahhhhhhh! <---thank goodness for the breast reduction or I might have gotten them jammed under the steering column

Look to the left to find an entire van full of Whipple Plumbers watching me with big bright plumbers smiles...

Roll down the window..

"That will be $10 sickos"

IT'S GETTING fareaking CRAZY around HERE!

2010-10-13T12:18:00.001-06:00

The past 4 weeks have been carazy for Chief.

My comfort zone has been totally blown.

I have ladies in my house right now.. while I am not even home.. that are ~~digging through my underwear drawer~~ cleaning my bathrooms, kitchen... laundry... did I mention I am not even home to monitor this? *takes a swig of diet coke*

I leave tomorrow for Las Vegas for 4 days for a Macaroni Kid conference of sorts, where I will meet lots of new people... people who might hug me. People who may irritate me and I will have to pretend I ~~don't want to throat punch~~ enjoy their company... did I mention I don't even know most of these people? I do however, get to meet Meeko.. I'm fareaking excited about that<--he better not hug me.

I have an appointment scheduled for a pedicure (my first one EVER). Did you know that during a pedicure people touch your feet? GAAAHH<---who comes up with this kinky sh*t?

I am staying at a Spa resort where people ~~over~~ pay to have other people rub them all over their bodies with strange oils and other foreign substances. Isn't that like a form of prostitution? I have an appointment on Friday with a ~~prostitute~~ massage therapist. I'm so scared I'm thinking I may need to wear an adult diaper in case I pee myself.

Supah is coming with me.. or at least, we are meeting there. Last time we met in person she was a total dud. Couldn't hardly form complete sentences. It was clear that she can't perform well face to face (or she is completely intimidated by me). I'm renting a TTY (Wiki) so that we can hold conversations. I mean.. I AM rooming with her and it could get pretty boring just watching her fumble all over herself trying to impress me. I rented a car... (I am the designated driver because I'm sure she will be plastered the whole weekend.) What a ~~lush~~ CRACKUP ~wink.

Have y'all noticed Supah doesn't read our crap anymore? She doesn't even KNOW I post this smut about her. SNORT. AHA! Let's play a game.... everyone Go to her twitter page HERE and leave her a tweet using the word... #TTY in it, then come back and tell me you did. Imagine her confusion.. this will teach her to ignore us. For everyone that tweets I will enter you to win a Gift Card somewhere like Olive Garden or Cold Stone. I know I have those hanging around somewhere. READY.... SETTTT.... GO!

K.. I gotta go get ready. I'm stopping at Wal-mart for Depends and extra batteries for the TTY machine.

BYE Y'all

Novica... Amazing products from amazing artists

2010-10-04T08:25:00.001-06:00

I was offered the chance to review the experience of using the wonderful products at Novica...

Do you wonder what Novica is?

Well I consider it a very unique eclectic place to shop when you are looking for the one of a kind gift that has a history and story behind it.

I ordered beautiful handmade Christmas Ornaments

They came beautiful packaged with an Artisan Story Card that gave the background of what the inspiration for the ornaments were and how they were made.

I plan to fill my tree with all of these wonderful ornaments from around the world that will make my tree one of a kind.

Anyhoodle...

That's how I would describe it.. But Novica saya it better <--of course

"We want to give artists and artisans around the world a global platform to express their true artistic talents and to spur their creativity. And, we want to provide you with access to unique, hard-to-find items at great values that only the Internet infrastructure can allow."

"At the deepest essence of our philosophy, we want to create a bridge between you and the many talented artisans across the globe."

"We want you to know about who you're buying from. We want you to feel that attachment to the product and to the hands that created it."

"In the spirit of the Internet, let us bring you together."

"NOVICA. The World is Your Market."

Thanks Novica! For a great opportunity !

fair trade corporate gifts
green gifts
unique gifts
microfinance

What hurts worse ... Highlights or head bashing?

2010-09-27T20:36:00.000-06:00

Its amazing to me that a kid who has no problem going out 5 days a week and getting bashed to bits on the football field, cries like a little girl when he gets his hair done.

He begs and begs for me to highlight his hair....

I avoid it at all costs..

you would think it would be easier having a salon in your home but I get sick of it. Its too easy to make an appointment. theres no caller id

So he hounded and hounded until I gave in during Monday Night Football, I finally gave in.

Maggie was my assistant

Not happy about the pictures. I promised it was only going to be sent to Supah... snort.

Each one of those spikes resulted in exclamations of:

GEEZE!

CUT IT OUT MOM!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OUCH!

YOU ARE TRYING TO MAKE IT HURT!

WUSS.

I just can't conform to society....

2010-09-23T13:59:00.002-06:00

I will never be like the rest of you....

Sometimes this bothers me, I think something is wrong with me so I attempt to bridge the gap between myself and the rest of society... and I fail.

Last year I tried to conform but I threw up in my mouth...

This year I was told I HAD TO TRY AGAIN! "You are missing out, Chief!"... "YOU WILL LOVE IT, if you just give it another try!"

sigh...

so I set up the DVR for a season pass and shut the laptop to devote all my attention on conforming to society.

4 minutes in... an eye twitch... "DEEP BREATHS CHIEF, you can do this... you can be like all the others and LOVE THIS shizz.." I tell myself.

(Everyone tells me I will love SUE... Just watch Sue they say... so I focus on the SUE character....)

6 minutes in.. Duke looks over at me... I am frothing at the mouth ... he is smiling, knowing there is about to be a combustion beyond anything he has ever seen.

"How ya doin' over there Chief?"

"I'm gonna give it a few more minutes... its not too bad" <-----insert squeaky voice here

9 minutes in... commercial... sigh... take a sip of the hard stuff and ask Duke how much longer until the show is over. He grins and tells me 51 minutes... then he pops some popcorn to watch ME.

11 minutes in... a kid is singing in the locker room shower... convulsions begin.. I pop an excedrine

Duke kicks back the recliner and starts to giggle.

"I CAN DO THIS! I LOVE THIS SHOW!" I scream.... "IT's AWESOME!"

until 16 minutes in... when two shrillish girls are talking in the bathroom and they break out in song and dance...

Arms go up... food goes flying... dog starts barking

"OHHHH-KAYY! That's it... I'M DONE! TURN IT OFF QUICK before I put my fist through the screen.... MUTE.. .MUTE IT! I can't stand it! What the hell are people thinking? What has this world come to? WHY DO THEY KEEP SINGING? They are lip syncing.. OMG... please make it stop"<---wimpering

Please for the love of all that is holy...

*shudder*

Y'all can have that show all you want... I feel dumber for the 16 minutes I lived through it. SUE was the best part of the whole thing ... did not have what it took to reel me in to that blithering crap... sorry... Ellen DeGeneres couldn't save that show.... Society can SUCK IT

I'll say ... What ever she said

2010-09-21T17:56:00.000-06:00

I know.. Im not posting anything. Seriously.. I dont know what to even blog about lately...

Is it the bunshole parent who chews my ass during carpool...?

or... the fact that I am usually exhausted and need to pare down my responsibilities but I dont have the gonads to do it...?

I actually had a great post lined up in my head this weekend but it has been pushed out my ears with other issues not nearly as entertaining.

So here is what I was gonna post about... She says it much better than I could anyway...

I will add that at one point I told myself if she came at me for a hug again I was gonna throw beat down on her.

So.. That's What She Said

really... follow the link to see That's What She Said....

YES! she said it... but That's What She Said....

Ok Im done

sigh.... I need some sleep.. head over and see Bud put the dance moves on his Old Lady

A test to see if M-Cat reads

2010-09-16T20:43:00.004-06:00

ME... AT WORK THESE DAYS

What to buy for my new, clean organized kitchen

2010-09-15T19:30:00.001-06:00

Ok.. getting some housecleaning done as you know from last weeks post. What perfect timing when another great review offer came through from my contact at CSN Stores. CSN Stores has over 200 online stores where you can find everything from a platform bed to fantastic fitness equipment to cookware!

I have recently purchased a kitchen faucet, dog collar,and a new fry pan from their amazing selection of stuff everyone needs...

I thinking something else for my kitchen again since Im still using stuff given to me as a wedding gift 17 years ago.

Maybe cabinet hardware, or a bread box, or .... or......

Stay tuned for a "Chiefed" up post on how CSN is belong get my life in order.

Another year has passed.... and he is still an old fart

2010-09-15T10:31:00.000-06:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DUKE!

Shawna made this cake for Duke for his birthday in honor of the time he spent peeing into his urinal after surgery.... This item nearly cost us our marriage.

I know.. its inappropriate and disgusting.

But not as inappropriate and disgusting as last years.

The encription on the toilet seat read... "Everything turns to shit at 47"

Yeah that was a hard turd to swallow...

So anyhonkie... DUKE! I wanna say thanks for letting me put up with your dumbassness...

I love ya... even if you are an old fart.

Mabel's Labels

2010-09-10T18:41:00.001-06:00

Guess What Shell Introduced me to?

MABELS LABELS!

This site is crazy awesome! Are you always trying to figure out how to get your kids name on things? Seriously.. the boys have Sharpie marks all over their stuff in hopes when I go searching in the lost and found, I can figure out what used to be mine.

The have tags for bottles, clothing, shoes, bags, backpacks, notebooks.. whatever you want identified...

Aside from the labels and tags that they offer, they also have stationary products like Mama Cards ™.

There are five different designs and you choose the wording. I am getting a set of these for my Macaroni Kid business. How cute are they? They were generous enough to send me a set to try out!

Hey! Even though these are called Mama Cards ™, you can come up with your own use for them like I did.

You wanna win some? <---Thanks Mabel!

Leave a comment below and tell me what you love most on the Mabel Label website.

Thats it.. I will draw a name from Random.org and BLAMO! you win.

If you dont win, you can buy some Mama Cards of your own at Mabel's Labels for $29.00. Each order includes 100 cards that are 5-3/4" x 4-3/8" in size.

GOOD LUCK!

How a corn cob in my bed changed my life

2010-09-10T11:47:00.002-06:00

For the loyal minions who have followed this crap for over a year. You will remember this shocking post where I laid it all out there for the world to see how we live in the nuthouse.

After that post I thought about getting one of these...

But I was skeered.

YES! Scared! I don't want someone rummaging through my underwear drawer, or seeing the 2 inch thick drips of food on my cabinet fronts!

So I didn't hire one.

Then I started Macaroni Kid and other online marketing part time jobs to go with my full time job at the school and the house got worse. (It may or may not have something to do with a corn cob in my bed.)

Supah said "Chief! You gotta get a maid. It will change your life. I got one a few months ago and I will never go back to the mess."

sigh

I was skeered

I thought about it.. and thought...

until the first of this week.... when I called a place an old high school friend of mine suggested.

I told Robyn (The owner) that I was skeered, antisocial, unorganized, embarrassed and overall a blathering mess who works WAAAY too much. She set my mind at ease and came over to do a bid for me.
I opened my kitchen cabinets to show her how bad my life is. I think she may or may not have pooed herself, (I don't know because the house is so dirty it smells like poo most of the time.)

Then she offered to completely reorganize the entire kitchen in addition to having the house deep cleaned... FOR $70 EXTRA DOLLARS! I pooed

Then I gave her the additional $80 and asked her when she could start. She said she would send HER CREW (yes I said CREW, Supah) over two days later.

That was Wednesday.

4 people came with equipment I have never seen the likes of..

They had razor blades, blowers, suckers, scrubbers, shiners, buffers, scrapers....

they spent 6 hours... 6

I should be embarrassed, but I'm not. 24 professional hours of cleaning is what it took for me to know what its like to live without filth...

Its amazing.. the drips, are gone

the goo on the ceiling... gone

baseboards, air vents, grout, kids rooms, closets, cupboards, toilet seat hinges, Wii cords, ceiling fans, door bell box, refrigerator grate, walls...

all like new.

for $170

These ladies not only did this:

THEY WASHED THE SHEETS! and started a load of laundry that was in the hamper.

They set out air freshener...

WE walked into the house and the four of us just stood in the entry and stared.

SILENCE

until Bud said he needed to poo.. REAL BAD

I snapped my head to look at him and told him he would have to poo outside like the dogs.

he knew I wasn't kidding and he was scared.

I told him he couldn't go outside until it was dark or the neighbors would see... he clinched his backside and looked worried. So I told Duke to take him to the gas station to poo.

there was no argument. My kid was taken to a convenience store to poo.

(those of you who are new readers.. think I'm joking. The die hard Chief fans.. know I am dead serious)

snort...

I'm thinking of gettin an outhouse.. that looks like a shed.

So anyhoodle.. I immediately got on Skype and told Supah about my house. I told her about the scraping, the scrubbing, the laundry... and guess what she did.

She told me to F*ck Off! Apparently she thinks I am trying to one up her with my cleaning CREW.. because she only has this:

She has issues.. real bad jealousy issues with me<---we all know this, and its sad

This was the icing on the cake for her. She doesn't get clean sheets and dishes and laundry. She gets no razoring or buffing. I asked her where she found her pitiful cleaning LADY <---not crew... THE SOUP KITCHEN!

you know what she said?

F*ck YOU! again

she is real mad

I feel a bit guilty now... not because my house is cleaner than hers... and she is the one that pushed me to do it in the first place..

I feel bad for the old lady she fired last night in a Dear John letter because she LOST HER PHONE NUMBER! I asked her "How do you lose the phone number of your cleaning lady?"

and she told me to eff off again and reminded me about the corn cob.

woops

So Supah will soon have a CREW like me.. she keeps trying to beat me.. keeps trying to climb the ladder of success that is the Chief...

It's sad.

Images courtesy of Google

Conversations with Who?

2010-08-31T20:22:00.000-06:00

SO I have a confession to make... Booger has requested a nickname change.

sigh...

We have called him Booger since infancy... but he is 9 now and Duke has started a new nickname that he would like implemented immediately.

CURLY

The problem is.. I dont have time to update his button..

so for now...

Conversations with Booger.... where he is really called CURLY... because he buzzes his hair.. or whatever is going through Dukes head when he comes up with these names.

So now.. with that disclosure out of the way, the setup for this convo is this:

Curly/Booger gets ill at school so sadly (insert sarcasm here), I get to leave work early to take him to the doc. Supah texts me as we are leaving and I inform her that I can not text and drive or Oprah will kick my ass. I tease her and tell her that Booger/Curly would be happy to keep her company via text while we drive to the doc.

Thinking she would politely decline.

But of course she didn't... and this is what was said..

a Conversation with Booger and Supahmommy-on a blackberry

Supah: curly.. whats going on...why r u sick.. this is not good.

Curly: I have sore throat

Supah: its the toffee..tooooo much toffeeee..i know the truth!lol

Curly: My mom and dad hog it down before I can get to it =D

Supah: dont fault them..they are just super sad i dont live there near to u guys...so they cope by eating toffee in large amounts. Make sure u play it up real good...the sick stuff...milk.it...make mom rent u a video game or movie..then insist on taco bell..

Curly: Maybe I don't get enuff toffee

Supah: true dat....its all their fault...lord knows toffee wards off sickness like they lie and say apples do....duke and chief caused ur sickness..let the truth be known

Curly: Your even funnier than my mom.and I will have them BUY me a video game!

Curly: At dr. Now... Talk to you later SUpah

Supah: pshhhht..no need 4 dr..weve already diagnosed u. xxoxo..and make sure u tell ur mom..im funnier...im smurter to..i mean smarter

Curly: She said she is way better looking though

So I read through the text after the Dr. and was giggling when Curly said... "You know, Supah is doing a really good job holding back on her foul language... I'm proud of her."

LMAO!

I was actually most impressed with the lack of texting errors.. she must have worked REAL hard or used her decoder ring so that Curly would be able to decipher her terrible texting grammar.

Try not to smile.. I dare ya

2010-08-28T22:57:00.001-06:00

Why I Go to Work Each Day

2010-08-27T18:04:00.001-06:00

As many of you know, I work at a K-9 charter school I helped start 6 years ago...

I left a lucrative hair business from a home salon to continue to see my dream of a quality education realized for my kids. I work there now and have for 5 years making crappy wages with increasing budget cuts that affect my benefits, hours, paycheck, workload.

Why would I do this when I could make so much more and set my own hours doing hair, Macaroni Kid and other online ventures I have turned down time after time...?

This is why....

1st grade assignment, first day of school:

Draw a picture of someone in the school who helps us...

or some bull shizzz like that..

The cutest little punkin (Aubrianna) draws this: <----I have added my notes throughout to help you get the feel of my office. Not that she didnt do a smash up job of depicting it right down to the....

WTHELL is that hanging in the background?

Lets have fun and see if you can guess what it is back there?<---no it AINT DUKE! That would be the obvious choice DUH!

(Hint... the green squares are ALLLL BOOKS... and she did a fairly good job of drawing to scale as if she was lookin through the door.)

Co-Workers and parents are not eligible and if you ruin it for the rest of them I will pee in yours or your childs lunchbox next week when it is least expected.

Wedding Tag: I must be damned bored to work this hard on a post.

2010-08-20T16:04:00.001-06:00

I am bored, I read M-Cat's post today (rare that I get to read anyones blogs nowadays<-is that a word?

She played this wedding thingie or tag crap or whatever, so I thought I would too.

1. Where did you and your husband meet? at the carwash... he saw me in a lowcut top with my DD's washing my car (that I had just purchased), he ~~waltzed~~ stumbled over and handed me his business card and told me to call him. I scoffed at it (he was 11 years older than i was) and stuffed it in the jockey box until 2 weeks later when he called me at work and asked me out....and the rest is history. (THERE IS A TON MORE TO THIS STORY THAT WILL HAVE TO WAIT FOR ANOTHER TIME... MAYBE OUR ANNIVERSARY NEXT MONTH)

2. How long before you kissed? ummm... 1st date (shut up bishes.. yer just jealous)

3. Who kissed who first? uh... he kissed me on the cheek and I went in for the kill.

4. How long from the time you met until you were engaged? (ahem... this is turning into a bit of an embarrassing post) We were engaged approximately 5 weeks after we met... 3 weeks after our first date

5. How did he propose? took me back to where we had our first date... (3 weeks before haha) and handed me the ring and said "now can you move in with me?" such a romantic... sigh

6. Did he pick out the ring or did you? We both did, sorta

7. Do you still like the ring? Yes, I love it although I don't wear it.. GASP! DONT JUDGE - I hate jewelry and a stone fell out a few years ago and I have yet to replace it.<---Im a tight ass and Duke doesn't wear his either.... I'm not much into symbolism and mushy crap.

8. Where was your wedding and reception? In a family members beautiful back yard.. it was a combined wedding and reception. Duke wanted so bad to just elope. So we compromised and had a BBQ. We paid for most of it ourselves so nothing fancy schmancy. Besides, can you really picture me in high dollar digs with lots of rules and etiquette? Pshaw!

9. How many bridesmaids did you have and who was your maid of honor? My best friend stood next to me.. I guess she was a bridesmaid

10. What color were your bridesmaid dresses? I think she wore a navy blue dress LMAO. I told her to just wear something that wasn't slutty.

11. What was your bouquet made of? A mixture of stuff. Here's a pic.

12. Who gave you away? No one.

13. Did you cry during your wedding? Heck no! Why would you cry? Seriously women are silly... snort!

14. What style was your dress? I have no idea. Is there a name for this style? I just wanted simple and understated (and cheap since I had to pay for it)

Watcha lookin at there duke?

15. Was your wedding kiss sweet or sexy? short and sweet as Im not one for public (or private) displays of affection

16. Who caught your bouquet? I have no idea... I think this "dumbass" stole it BWAHAHAHHAHAHA!

17. What flavor was your cake? I would imagine chocolate but I have no clue. My aunt made it and it was beautiful though. Fresh flowers like the bouquet.. simple and understated (do you get the theme so far?)

18. Did you smash the cake onto each other's faces or feed it to each other nicely? I was so nice and Duke smashed it into my face and ruined my lipstick. I think I punched him in the nuts.

19. What was "your song" that you danced to at your wedding? uh... no dancing, that requires touching.

20. What did you serve your guests to eat? BBQ chicken... salads and other regular wedding crap.

21. What did your friends do to decorate your car? Nothing. at least I don't remember if they did.

22. What was your favorite wedding gift? Electric knife from my old obnoxious boss. After 17 years it still works like a charm.

23. What was the worst wedding gift you got? Dukes work buddy gave us a wooden egg that his wife handpainted. WTF?! I wish I still had it to take a pic and show you. It was worse than Jenn's homemade crafts... snort
24. Where did you go on your honeymoon? We drove from our home in Salt Lake, up to Seattle and then over to the coast and down the Pacific Coast Highway staying in Bed and Breakfasts for 10 days. My period Started 4 days in.... lmao... I know TMI but it was on Dukes Birthday too! Classic!
25. Looking back, is there anything you would have changed about your wedding? Nope. NOT ONE THING! Except the MOTHER NATURE call on the honeymoon and my mom was pretty cranky and uptight the day of that it wasn't an LDS Temple wedding. ( We took care of that last year.. after 16 years of marriage though. I'm not one to rush into eternity I suppose ~wink)

I say don't look back and regret much in your past. It does you no good and the past is what makes you who you are right now. Hopefully you are happy with who that is and don't want to change everything anyway.

Tag, yer it.... specially my wolf pack

TO MY SISTER LINDSEY:

2010-08-19T20:00:00.000-06:00

YOURS IS IN THE MAIL.. BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH

Why I should never leave the boys home alone

2010-08-18T05:50:00.002-06:00

I thought week 5 of the knee replacement recovery would be better than week one.

Duke is making it to the bathroom without crutches
No more oxycontin<---mood swings, stomach problem, etc... gone
No more nights listening to him writhe in pain as he tries to live with the after effects of his bones being ground down and his ligaments and nerves stretched.

But it seems I was wrong, this stage is worse.

He is bored.

Anxious about getting back to work.
Sick of being home with the kids 24/7.
AND to top it all off. He has the brain of a 14 year old.

This means I have 2 -14 year olds and a nine year old male to try to raise.

Case in point:

He calls me at work and exclaims that he is so excited to BE WALKING AROUND WITHOUT HIS CANE! I feel bad he wanted me to be excited for him, but instead I reminded him that the Dr.s and P/T have warned him that he should not walk without an aid until he has stopped limping. Forcing it may cause damage in other areas and make the joint heal incorrectly.

Duke gets pissed at me and hangs up.

Whatever

I call later and ask why it sounds like he is outside.

He informs me that he is taking his MOUNTAIN BIKE OUT FOR A SPIN!

What a moron.

Medical Conversations with Duke

2010-08-15T18:55:00.002-06:00

I'm at work... leaving the dumbasses to fend for themselves.

Ring... Ring... Ring...

Duke "Hi Chief"

Chief "Hey, whats going on at home?"

Duke "My knee hurts REAL bad today Chief!"

Chief "Have you taken the ibuprofen?"

Duke "Is that the orange pills, or the brown pills?"

I swear Im gonna get him one of those pill organizers old people use

sigh..,"Orange, Duke... ORANGE!"

Duke "That's the big Costco jug, right? I can't find them."

Chief "That's why your knee hurts. Listen, I gotta get back to work, don't forget Boog has an orthodontist appointment today....."

Duke interrupts..."I KNOW, YOU'VE REMINDED ME 50 TIMES THIS WEEK! 3:00!!!! IM NOT STUPID!"

Chief "uh huh... ok.. talk to you later"

4:00... I call to see how the appointment went. Boog answers the phone.

Boog matter of factly "Chief! Duke forgot the appointment!"

Chief... "PUT YOUR DAD ON THE PHONE!"

pause...

Boog... "DAD says no way.. he doesnt want to talk to you, I think he is scared as a little girl...."

Chief "Tell him he is an idiot"

Boog "I already did"

Chief "Good Boy"

20 minutes later...

ring... ring.. ring...<---this goes on ALLLL day people. constant phone calls.

Duke "Uh Chief... yeah.. sorry bout that appt...."

Chief "uh huh"

Duke "I found the ibuprofen though.. guess where?"

silence

Duke "The Refrigerator... I KNOW it was Bud who put it in there! I didn't do it!"

I hear Bud screaming at him as I hang up the phone.

What did I do to deserve this? Its time for SOMEONE to go back to work!

Chief's bawlin! Im so embarrassed!

2010-08-11T19:56:00.001-06:00

Perspective

Soldiers Homecoming - Watch more Funny Videos

C'mon... dont scroll down here.

Take 5 minutes and gain perspective. I know Im exhausted, anemic, and a bawl baby but even this ornery ass couldn't help but cry through this one.

The dog, the kids... how can you not be proud to be American and love our troops!

Bring Your "Baby" to Work Day

2010-08-09T13:07:00.001-06:00

So I got the "Doe" eyes this morning when I tried to leave for work. NO not from the boys... they are glad to see me leave <---and I am grateful to get the hell outta Dodge.. believe me.

No, Maggie gave me the "LOOK".

It melted my icy heart...

So I brought her in to help me get the mounds of work done that I get this time of year.

I tried to make a bed for her on the floor. She was insulted.

So I brought in a chair from one of the other offices.

She just isn't going to put up with any of it.

Until I clear a spot on my desk for her to plant her spoiled ass on.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea....

Wait until Booger sees that I am letting her use his Snuggie Shawna made for him. snort....

Collision!

2010-08-07T21:23:00.000-06:00

I've had the craziest couple of days where my URL world has collided with my IRL world. It has put the whole blogging thing in perspective for me a bit. We aren't as anonymous as we think y'all!

Situation 1 :

I am sitting waiting for a concert to start, I'm surfing FB on my Blackberry and I see one of my "faves" has a new post up so I decide to look around a bit to kill time. I click to go check it out and my BB asks me "would you like to call XXXX?"

I'm like.. snort... how the hell does my BB know her phone #? Then I think to myself... HOLY CRAP! My BB has her phone #!!!

So I decide to send her a text.

GUESS WHOOOOOOOOO?

LMAO

I think she pooped in her panties. Then she sent me porn.

I'm going to give her 3AM wakeup calls periodically until she finally changes her number.

Situation 2 :

I'm suffering through a night with the family at the local Incredible Pizza Company on a crazy busy Saturday night when I hear a whispered voice behind me:

"Hey I know you"

I turn around and swear its a parent from my school so I say HI! HOW ARE YOU? <---please tell me you didnt bring your bratty kid over here to say hi.

This hot lady with a cute baby says.. "You don't know me."

I'm like.. "Sure I do"

She says.. no... "You are Chief"

OMWORD! How does this mom from school know I have a blog? I'm so careful to keep it on the down low!

Im sure this new friend saw the fear in my eyes as she explained that she was looking at Bud and knew she knew him from somewhere... then she saw the rest of us and was positive it had to be the crazy lady who blogs at Hiding From the Kids...

I was floored. Bud was dumbfounded. Greg was oblivious<---on codeine.

Someone picked me out of a crowd... totally crazy! LMAO

I would totally "out" her but I forgot to ask her permission so I will let her out herself in comments if she chooses. Otherwise just know that my two worlds collided this week and there is one more person who knows that my ass is as huge as I say it is. I'm pretty sure she couldn't get her eyes off my ass midget.

Own It, Work It, Love It

2010-08-02T20:27:00.001-06:00

I have been challenged...

normally I don't give a rats when someone challenges me... If I want to do it, I will.. if not.. I won't.

I dont' sit well with obligations.. they make me burst a hemorrhoid

But I read the post over at THINK Tank Momma's and Daffy's at Batcrap Crazy's place and decided I want to do this little doo dad Adrienzgirl has going on over there today.

Read if you'd like, if you don't, whatev. NO obligations here.

So The deal-ee-O is called Own It, Work It, Love It or some shiz like that.

I need to name 15 things that I love:

15. That I get to go back to work tomorrow for 9 hours. Its' been to close of quarters around here with Duke moping around, the kids getting antsy, me sitting on my ass so long that I add to my collection of hemorrhoids.

14. I love that I only choose to surround myself with good people. Whiners, bunsholes, grudgeholders, hypocrites and liars make me sick. I love that I have learned to eliminate the crapholes and stop pretending I like people I don't just to be nice.

13. I love being a Macaroni Kid Publishing Mom. I love the extra income, the camaraderie, the sense of community and creativity. LOVE it! If you want to know more, just let me know!

12. I love my kids school. I love that they are getting a quality education, I love school uniforms, and the classical curriculum they are learning about. This is the single best thing I have ever done for my kids AND I'M SO READY FOR IT TO START BACK UP!

11. Im glad there is only 3 more weeks until I don't have to listen to Guitar Hero 24/7. Listening to Duke sing the Gambler is getting old real fast.

10. I love Maggie. She is my BFF.

9. I love my Wolf Pack.

10. I love my 'puter...

9. I love Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook. Laurie got me hooked.. now my kids haven't eaten and my toilets haven't been cleaned for 4 weeks.<----like I can truly blame the game for this

8. I love Ozycontin. I know this is a bad thing to post and I will totally get the druggies on google search but I LOVE OXYCONTIN because it makes Duke go nighty nite.

7. I love my Blackberry... and it loves me. It talks to me at night when everyone else is sleeping and never asks to be cuddled. It also never cries out that it has to pee and can't make it to the bathroom in time.

6. I love bedtime. I love when it's the kids bedtime and I love when it is my bedtime. I wish it was always bedtime.

7. I love to be right. I am nearly always right so I am happy a lot of the time.

6. I love potatoes. Fried, boiled, mashed, sliced, sauteed, julienned, stewed, smashed....

5. I love Toothsoap.. I love that my kids love Toothsoap. I love the company and what it stands for and what it does for others.

4. I love the people in my church that teach my kids and the example they are for them. Bud went on a "Pioneer Trek" last week where the youth are taught to appreciate the sacrifices of the Mormon Pioneers who settled the land where we live. The youth leaders are amazing in my neighborhood and I am grateful for where I live. More to come about Trek in a later post.

That's Bud in the middle with two of his leaders.

3. I love my kids. I love that they have polar opposite personalities that I can make fun of.

2. I love that Booger is cynical like me and Bud is happy go lucky and kind like his Dad. I love that they are honor role students but still dumbasses so I have something to blog about.

1. I love Duke. He is a great dad who has raised loving kids despite me trying to ruin them. I love that he cooks, listens to me bitch about stupid people, has a great job that supports our family so I don't have to.

Phew... that was alot of love for me.. I had to stop periodically so as not to become physically ill.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SUPAHMOMMY!

2010-07-27T22:01:00.005-06:00

So someone is having a birthday...

One of my favorite Supah's in the world.

I wanted to make this day better than Christmas...

Better than the 4th of July!

So Im finally going to sing for you... ready?

Mi Mi Mi MI MIIIII MIIIIiIiIIIiI!

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!

Happy Birthday to SUuuOOOoUUuUUUPAH!

(Dogs howling)

Happy Birthday to you!

I also drew her a stick figure picture. It is a depiction of the time we finally met IRL...

The Wolf Pack decided we would all do these stick figures. Princess cheated and drew hers and scanned it. What a wuss!

SOMEDAY YOU WILL Be SUPAH! someday<---when hell freezes over.

Then I went out and bought her the bestest gift evAh!<---OK so I I didn't buy it I stole it from the little old lady down the street... the recession has hit me real hard.

One I KNOW she needs!

For those of you who don't know.. Supah is a mute. This is a TTY machine used for the the nonverbal.

I know its shocking....I didn't even know myself until the Wolf PAck met in Texas this Spring. It was devastating to see her struggle to keep up with our funny...

This will help her ....

I know she is red faced as she reads this, she is angry that I went so far out of my way to make her birthday special. You are welcome Sup.... xoxoxox

I LOVE YOU SUPAH! Happy Birthday! I may or may not have left a REAL SEXY POST over at Supah's joint. Check it out if you dare.

Monday Minute

2010-07-26T05:00:00.003-06:00

I'm suffocating in work. Unfortunately, the blog is the last of my priorities. Duke is still alive. So are me and the kids.. but barely.

I'm taking the lazy way out for this post. Forgive me or kiss my ass. Whatever works for you.

1. Who is your "what-if" person?(What-if person being what if I married this person or am now in a relationship with "this" person)

Kris. Can't remember his last name right now.. too tired. He was a D.J. We went on a few dates and I was totally hooked. He was WAAAY older than me (or so I thought at the time) I was 17 and he was 21. Little did I know I would marry someone 11 years my senior just 4 years later. Anywhocares... He was very respectable, calm, reserved, classy, religious... etc. <---totally opposite of who I am or was. Can you imagine where I would be today if I had married him? It's a good thing he figured it out before he got in too deep.

2. What is your nickname?

Chief... of course. Duh. This is the name I am most called by friends and family although Duke has a few he uses that I am not quite as fond of.

3. If you could choose how you died, how would you like to die?

This is a terrible question. I will probably have nightmares about drowning or burning up in a fire now... sheesh! But as we all know I am a rule follower so I guess I would want to die of an ice cream overdose.

4. If you could have named yourself, which name would you have picked?

Cher... snort

5. Who were you named after or for what reason did your parents choose your name?

My parents argued over the choice for months. I was finally named after the name she heard on a Soap Opera. My name was painful to grow up with... but what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

Conversations With Bud... Antelope Testicles

2010-07-19T04:29:00.001-06:00

Setup:

It's time for breakfast and Duke is still an invalid (meaning we are all at his beck and call)

Duke: "NURSE BUUUuuuuUUUD!" <----this is what I hear constantly.. all day, poor Bud "I need you to get a cantaloupe, cut it in half, dig out the seeds and bring it to me with a spoon please."

Nurse Bud: sigh "OK" trudges to the kitchen

The novelty of the injury has worn off and we are all ready for Duke to start getting up and fetching his own crap

Nurse Bud: "Hey dad? Is this a real live cantaloupe?"

Duke: "uh.. yeaah?"

Nurse Bud: "So it came from the real live animal?"

Duke and Chief together: snap our heads to look at each other "What the hell are you talking about son?"

It dons on me what he is thinking and I can't help but bust out laughing, pointing, and mocking

Chief: "Oh I get what you're asking! Yes, of course... these cantaloupes are testicles off of a REAL LIVE ANTELOPE!"

Nurse Bud: "Really?"

LMAO... for the love of all that is holy.. I don't make this stuff up. I need to get out of the house people.. seriously.. there aren't enough yellow pills to keep me from losing my shit here.

I made need a security detail

2010-07-12T22:00:00.000-06:00

Yo!

I'm famous ya know... you want my autograph?

I'm hosting Follow Me Back Tuesday with with Survey Junkie, Little Yaya's,
Review Retreat, Boobies,Babies and a Blog

So link up and follow and meet a crapload of new friends!

Update on my life to date:

I am seriously starting to lose my crap over here.

Did you know that when you try to help someone who is recovering from surgery you aren't allowed to act tired or busy doing anything other than be available to their every want and need?

Physical therapy is hysterical. The dude tells Duke what to do and I can see in his eyes that he has no intention of doing anything that makes him hurt. I'm basically paying someone to come piss Duke off. Then he leaves and I'm left with an irritated patient.

So while I continue to be abused and degraded.. y'all link up and play... umkay?

Follow Me Back Tuesday!

How it Works

Add your blog to the list ( only have to add once )
Grab our button & the link code to post on your blog
Follow all 4 hostesses above & then as many other blogs as you would like.
After you follow a new blog make sure you leave them a comment letting them know that you are now a follower so that they can follow you back, and please follow others back if they leave you a comment that they follow you.

Random crap.. like my posts aren't normally crap

2010-07-09T14:39:00.000-06:00

RANDOM THOUGHTS

Should I feel guilty that when I came to the hospital today to "babysit" I brought the portable DVD player, a couple of "shoot em up" movies and earphones for Duke?

It's not that I don't mind chatting.. but another 7 hours like yesterday and I would seriously need to be sedated.

They have Duke on Oxycontin.. I know y'all are jealous. I could make some big money with this shit on the streets.

Supah posted something awesome today.. go check it out. It's stuff Ive wanted to say for months, she beat me to it.

Duke nurse is a dude (which is fine) but this guy is clueless, I think he is from "rent a nurse". He just told us a story about how last night, he was working at an ER and went in to check a patient and didn't know the guy was dead until 30 minutes later when the other nurses told him. He said he touched him and watched his chest go up and down. I'm a little worried for Duke.

If you have been a reader for a while you know Booger is going to be a rockstar. He has already named his band and has written and composed several songs. They are better than you'd expect, BTW. He wanted to take guitar lessons when he turned 8.. I made him start with piano. Now it's been a year and a half and I have given in. He started guitar this week and is in 7th heaven. When "SLIME ROCK" hits the big time, you will be able to say you blogged with the lead singers mom.

Ive never had a pedicure. I escared to have people touch or look at my feet. I really want to though. I think about it all the time. My nails are always perfect and I feel like Im doing them an injustice to have my toes as gnarly as they are.

I know Im supposed to sing... I planned it for this week, but I've been a bit busy. Anyone figured out what Supah's favorite song is yet?

I gotta go.. the cafeteria closes in 25 minutes and they have donuts to die for.

Hopefully Duke won't notice Im leaving...

Duke update: Sorry this is all my life consists of right now, so suck it up and read

2010-07-08T12:14:00.001-06:00

We are all still alive <---I haven't smothered him in his sleep due to his man whine

The 75 minute surgery look nearly 4 hours due to extreme bone damage. Much worse than they anticipated or than they thought someone would live with. The had to grind and pound more than normal. They decided to do a Spinal Block instead of general <---he was thrilled until he realized he would be awake for the catheter. :) Believe me, today he is grateful to have it he is tickled to death that he doesnt have to get up to pee.

Anywho...his airway is arched and they worry about damage to his vocal chords with the general anesthesia and the breathing tube...

The Dr.’s and nurses said he talked nonstop during surgery and cracked jokes/asked questions the whole 4 hours. He remembers nothing but the sound of banging and drilling noises... I still can't figure out why everyone is smiling at me everytime they see me in the hallways.

SOOOO...

Now the recovery starts… hopefully it will go well, they were not able to completely straighten the joint/leg back to normal. Over the 30 years since he injured it in high school, the nerves around the joint have settled in and will not allow for it to be completely straight. The knee will probably last 17 -20 years before he needs a new one. He says he hopes he's dead by then.

The kids can’t get over the fact that they shaved his legs and are making him wear nylons (compression socks). Bud told him he is going to bring him a dress to come home in. The Chief clan is merciless.

We are looking into home health care tomorrow... he will need someone to check his coumadin levels every day and do physical therapy. Im totally making them dump is bedside urinal he insisted on buying.

Medical Conversations with Duke

2010-07-06T21:30:00.001-06:00

I am not available today as this is the day we have all been waiting for...

Knee replacement surgery for Duke...

In honor of this day I have decided to start a new series....

You may think I am a bit premature with this subject but oh no...

I have tons of material already, just getting ready for D-Day...

Starting with this one.

Setup: At a 2 hour pre-op meeting with physical therapists, surgeon, nurses, etc...

Home health nurse: serious and professional "I want you to understand that you will be on a medicine by the name of coumadin. This is a blood thinner that will aid in keeping you from getting blood clots. 60% of all hip and knee replacements develop blood clots or pulmonary embolisms. These can be very dangerous and in some cases fatal. My job is to help monitor your meds to ensure that your blood is not too think or too thick. I will be coming to your home at least every two days to test your levels and adjust your dosage. It is important that you not forget to take your meds as the consequences are very severe."

Chief is sweating, taking notes... anxiety is setting in...

Surgeon: dry and monotone... "You will experience a significant amount of pain after surgery. This is a picture of your knee after the replacement has been made. It is imperative that me manage your pain without over-using the narcotics to avoid dependency."

Physicians assistant: friendly and concerned. "Do you have any questions Mr "Duke"? I know the information you have learned here seems overwhelming and frightening and I want to make sure you are comfortable with all of it."

Duke: " um.. yeah... DO I HAVE A CATHETER DURING SURGERY?

Chief: caught off guard "huh?"

P.A.: I believe, dumbfounded... "Yes sir, you will and it will also be used for at least 24 hours after surgery."

Duke: frozen.. "GASP! Am I awake when you put it in? Or, Or, wait... AM I AWAKE WHEN YOU TAKE IT OUT?"

Chief: crawling under chair

Duke: turn quickly to find me glaring at him..."Chief, I'm not doing this shit... all these perverts want to do is touch my "parts"! SICKO B*STARDS!"

Chief: exasperated...."O.K. honey, calm down, we will go home and discuss it."

Sigh... and it begins...

stay tuned for "How will I pee in the middle of the night?" and other questions related to male genitalia... isn't this supposed to be knee surgery?

Q & A with Chiefy!

2010-07-05T04:00:00.018-06:00

As promised, answers to your deepest darkest questions.

ENJOY!

Herding Cats said...

I want to know....what your life was like when you were 27.

My 27th year was insane... actually, I was pregnant 10 months out of the 12, Duke started a new job and was in training for 6 of those months, leaving me to puke 13 times a day and try to keep a 4 year old from tearing the house apart. Not my most favorite year. NOW 28! That was a good year! New house, breast reduction (best thing evah!) and my tubes were tied!

茹希茹希 said...

到處逛逛~~來繞繞留個言囉~~~~.................................................................　　　　　　

Let me see if I can speak in code so you understand butthole...　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　

Mommy is in the Bathroom said...

    You better answer that japeneese question.. Done :)

    I would like to know, no i demand to know, how you can be team charlie. WTF? It's the mustache... and seriously Jacob speaks like he has lock jaw and whines worse than Duke with a rug burn<---he he... Edward is my second choice but seriously! The dude needs a Whopper with cheese, this much woman would snap him in half.

    If your blog became Dooce or Pioneer Woman popular and you suddenly were making 40k a month, but had to deal with all the negative and mean comments, including hate sites, would it still be worth it for you? No, I would hire someone to run it for me like Dooce did. Someone skinny with better complexion. (I would answer the hate mail though cuz everyone knows, Chief likes herself a good fight.)

    Llama or eel? I would be vegetarian before I touched eel or Llama... Eels are slimy and Llama's spit shit and are unpredicatable. They are both nasty ugly to look at to top it all off.

    Why do they put holes in crackers? DUH! So they don't puff up and turn into croutons... sheesh! kids these days...

    Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? My head is always over my heels, except on my anniversary or something. wait..what? Anniversary... what does that have to do with anything? Maybe it's cuz people enjoy being head over heels instead of standing upright... not me of course ~wink

    What's your favorite recipe to make? ice (preferrably from Sonic), lemon and lime (fresh) and diet brown bubbly... shaken not stirred (I don't cook)

Meeko Fabulous said...

    Are you really going to be in Vegas in October with Supah? And if so, how would you feel about meeting me? Um.. read the post before this one... I can't wait to squeeze me some Meeko!

Oka said...

    Would you have room to put up my family of six if I told you I was coming to visit??? Hell no! We have a fully unfinished basement for a reason. Duke refused to finish it to ward off visitors. I know a great nearby hotel though! ~wink.. love ya though

Ian said...

    Why does it hurt when I pee? Because the thong underwear your wife makes you wear makes your testicles infected .... DUH!

    Why can't everyone be awesome instead? There's only room for a few awesome peeps. It's just me and you buddy, sorry to break it to ya.

The Princess of Sarcasm said...

    I'm not even leaving a question now. I just read Melissa's. There's no way I will win. (This was a competition, right?) Sigh...

SupahMommy said...

    WHich blogger would you marry if you could kick Duke to the curb without any heavenly retribution? YOU SO WANT ME TO PICK YOU! sorry....Princess for sure.. I hear she has nice perky boobies. (BTW thanks for the religious get out of jail free card)
    ( you have to pick a blogger).. I think Princess blogs doesn't she? You think I can't read?

    If the stars align , as we all thought, and we are vindicated in our honor and goodness - do you do a little happy dance? I do a happy dance on the grave of evil! and spit like a llama in it's eye!

    If you could kill off a cartoon character who would it be?
    Please don't say scooby doo. Of course not Rooby Rooby ROO! I would kill strawberry shortcake... I would muzzle her high pitched squeals and squeeze her like a grape until all of her cartoon stuffing came out. Then I would eat her.

    Do you wipe front to back or back to front. neither.. I use a bedet and a hair dryer

    Can you put a video up of duke bawling at the thought of a catheter? I think that would go over reallly well. I will definitely use the pain and suffering inflicted upon me due to Dukes upcoming surgery as extreme blog fodder. I will try to get pics of the catheter.

    Why are you so competitive with me? It's a lost cause you know. Just sayin' oh wait I mean Just
    signing" since Im mute and all I am no longer threatened by you after meeting you IRL and realizing you are a total fake without a keyboard to hide behind. I will be bringing a TTY machine to Vegas so we can try to have some real fun. I hope it has spell check or I may have to bring my Magic Decoder Ring... I hope the airlines don't charge me for an extra bag!

    mwah and kisses

    oh wait. . .more. sigh....

    Can I post a collage of all the pictures with your eyes shut? I think your ninja skills would look great in a collage. yes it is true that I have super human reflexes and therefore it is difficult to catch me in a pic with my eyes open. Sometimes I can't control my superpowers....

    I think the name " chief" is way tooo similar to " supah" so i think im going to formally ask you to take down your blog as you are infringing on fake trademark laws. Who is threatened by who here. I KNEW IT ALL ALONG!
    xoxo <---where's your (c) after you xoxo?

HalfAsstic.com said...

    Why do we have to have thresholds in doorways? Sweeping from one room to another would be soooo much easier if I didn't have a MOUNTAIN of dirt, dog hair and debris get caught up under the damn threshold.
    It was something to do with a MAN I'm betting....?
    Knowing how a problem began is half way to finding an answer. Tell me O'CleverOne! It's actually a government conspiracy to help contain all DNA and crime scene evidence.   That's the first place investigators look for clues when they reach the scene of the crime. I thought everyone knew that.

See how fun that was.. snort.. shutup

...now Im still waiting for enough votes to convince me to sing Supah' fave song all over the interwebz. Go comment and let me know how much you want me it.

Why Im so jacked up... It's the people I hang with

2010-07-02T10:08:00.004-06:00

THIS IS A COPY FROM SUPAHMOMMY...

Try to follow along if you dare...... I need to get my Little Orphan Annie Decoder RIng out to decipher her crap.

Just to set it up.. I'm going to a Macaroni Kid conference in October, IN VEGAS... Supah and I will be roomates (Pray for me.. she has BAAAD GAS!)...

We found out Meeko was going to be there at the SAME TIME!...

This is what ensued

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sometimes a blog - isn't as fun as the behind the scenes making of a blog post.

Consider this a VH! behind the scenes . All for you.
You.

Are.

Welcome.

xoxo
supah

HOW AN EMAIL CONVO
WORKS IN SUPAH , CHIEF AND MEEKO’S WORLD
Words
have been changed to bring the offensiveness down about 8 notches.

FIRST
CONVO

Meeko
Fabulous

Meeko
+ Chief + Supah + Vegas = Puffin w/ Bail Money . . .

*
SupahMomMY

or us in a jail cell riggin together our ghetto sunglasses to reach
through the bars and steal sheriff cleetus 's key ring.

REACCCCCH
chief.. REACHHHHHHH
her
arms are long !! She’s pefect for that job.

i note these things

Supah:

OH
MY HOTNESS I HAVE NOT BEEN SO EXCITED TO MEET ANYONE BUT MY WOLF PACK

feel
blessed
bask
in it.

lMFAOOOO

NEXT
CONVO : TO CHIEF
Meeko
Fabulous
Are you really going to be in Vegas in October with Supah? And if so, how
would you feel about meeting me?

Chief
I just realized this was the question to ask me.. lmao

Snort

I am fretarded

Meeko:

I know! When Puffin told me when we were gonna be in Vegas I just about
pooed myself!!! :)

CHIEF

We get to meet PUFFIN?

OMG

MEEKO:

Well
. . . Not quite sure how that one is going to work out . . . He's
taking his mom to see Cher for her birthday . . . So I'll be hanging out
with my friend Erik. I'm sure you'll get to meet him after though! :)

CHIEF:
THINKS TO STIR THE POT

Ah
its all good…
Wait til you meet Supah… NOTHING LIKE YOU EXPECT! She is not funny at all…
total dud! Seriously, without a keyboard you can barely get her to speak.
(I’m CC’ng her on this… trying to get her all in a tither this morning cuz Im bored)

Supah:

bish
stop
that bus right now
i will kill you through this keyboard
i am sending vibes right now
your neck is feelin itchy huh?
yah
thats ME
BREATHIN
DOWN THE M*tHA F*&^er
HOOow
cool would it be if MIITB could come!!??????
and i'll be sure to bring a muzzle for you
THEN
i can get a word in
M*tHA
F*&^er   LMAO

CHIEF
You
will be too drunk to do sh*t. Meeks and I are goinna have to lug your
fatass back to the hotel

Supah:

Sorry
friend.
You'll
need to get a trolly cart or dolly - to push BOTH Meeks ... WAIT...
BOTH PUFFINDREW MEEKS AND I back to our hotel.
how
bout one of those rickshaws
you
can bicycle us around as we guffaw and hiccup in the back
your
legs are long
it'll
be all good
lmaooooooooooo

supah

let
me check and see where the fart were staying
now
im definitely going to book - early bird :)

Chief
:
OMG!
Lets GO TO DICKS!

Think
of the shit we will get there…

supah
She
likes dicks.
so
we need to plan this out
chief
you're
the planner
i
don't even know what day this shIzniz takes place on
that's
why i have chief
just
bring me another one bartendah.
meeks
wants to know where our motel 8 is?

Chief

Red
Rock Spa or something… not by the strip

Google
the shi*

Meeko:
I
think we're more inclined towards staying at the Bally's or Paris. But
you know us * POLITICALLY CORRECT WORD FOR GAY FOLK)*(ok, at least me)
are chi-chi like that. LoL I think we should just find a prime
location at a slut (yes I said slut) machine where the cocktail
waitresses keep coming by and if all else fails . . . we can go to Fat
Tuesday's at Ceasars!!!

 Supah

WAIT,
You're gay?

 Chief

OMFG

You win for the day… that is PLUCKing hysterical

Of Course Im gay

MEEKO
You
two are cracking me the f*ck up!!! LoL!!! My coworkers just gave me
the oddest look cause I giggled so freakin' hard it made me snort!!!

Chief:
Seriously,

Think
of the blog posts… we may have to write a book.

The
H*mo, The Mormon and the Mute. If MIITB comes we can add The Gambler

SUPAH
omg
can we all get married in vegas?????
like
ALL OF US!!!?????

TO
the officiant “ no sir. not just my fine gay friends.”

the
mormon and me and the (polictically correct word for gay folk)
and
maybe erik too.. WAIT.. THEReS CHER

calling
out .. " cherrrrr!!!   Wanna get married????

SUPAH:

MUTE??

itchy
neck?
im
aiming next at your f*cking crotch and wishing crabs

MEEKO:
Oh
dang . . . I'm a trinity . . .( polictically correct word for gay folk)
Gambler+Lush! LoL
-
Show quoted text -

Meeko:

I
am SO bringing the camera!

Supah

trinityyyyyyyyyyy

ahhhhhh
SMOTHER FLUcking laughing so hard

SUPAH:

*
UM
VIDEO PLEASE SO CINNAMON STICK   * CHIEF* CAN
SHUT THE EFF UP ..

i
am not
mute.

i'll
just bring my computer and type it all to you .

CHIEF:

Oh
Lord, Cher is so hot. I want her aZZ.

Supah
wait..
like..

you
want her aZZ AZZ?
bom
chicka wow wow

i
knew you were ( politically correct word for gay folk)

and
meeko just TRY to get one pic of chief with her eyes open

I
DARE YOU.

CHIEF:

I
have quick reflexes.. like a ninja

Meeko:

Cher
is SO bad azz. She puts on a farking fabulous show!

CHIEF:

Im
lost

Trinity?

MEEKO:

Who
does Supah think she is??? Steven Hawking?!

MEEKO:
I'm
a triple threat! ;)

Supah
steven
hawking
bwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hahhaha
*
gets quiet*

you
are going to hell for that one
just
a little faster though
but
i know you don't believe in either

so
..... i dont' know what to threaten then

 CHIEF:

Got
it!

Wait
til you meet us… Im bringing at TTY machine for Deb

Meeko

I
was gonna say . . . I'm already going to Hell! So . . . I might as
well enjoy the voyage there!!! Buah ha ha!!!

CHIEF:

You
don’t believe in hell?

You’ve
never been to Wyoming then

CHIEF

And
I can marry everyone.. SOME Mormons
believe in that shiznit you know? The more the merrier.

Supah

ohhhhh
FARKING aaaaaa!!

meeky
baby yer goinna be my sister wife!

Do
you think they have enough Elvis costumes for all of us?

And I want to be wife 1 please. I wanna boss
Meeko around.

Where is Chief?

2010-07-02T08:00:00.001-06:00

Guess where I am?

I'm over at Tortugas playing with her toys.

Go over and see.. make sure you say HI!

Update on the VOTE

2010-07-01T10:18:00.001-06:00

Oh and for those of you who are readers of Supah and her hilarious antics...

I know something about this post that you don't know. Duke and I had a discussion with her about this 8 months ago.<---when she couldn't get the song out of her head... I'm working up the ~~know how~~ courage to sing it to y'all... in the flesh... another Chief original movie. I know your sphincters are puckered with excitement.. I gotta know people really want it or I'm not going to put myself through the trouble of finding the transfer cable to the video camera. oh, and I doubt I have enough readers to get to 200 so your gonna have to send your friends to vote too.

UPDATE: THE VOTE WIDGET IS A MOTARD! VOTE in comments I will open it to anonymous for this post. IF any DRAMA Llamas leave shitty comments I will FIND YOU through my super duper SKILLZ and make you wish you were never born.

You know you want to... You know you can't stand it....

2010-06-30T22:48:00.005-06:00

'member this?

I'm wanting to try it again...

Im kinda in a funk.. my mojo is the shizz.. I need to get my funny back. I'm getting ready for this to happen and you can cut the tension in this joint with a knife.

So I gotta do something wild and dangerous... I gotta live on the edge...

This is how it works for those who ride the short bus<--Supah

You want to know stuff about me that you think I won't dare answer?<--- I know you do.. Im like your kids science project

This is your chance. ASK AWAY! Anything goes<---unless I decide I don't like you because you are skinnier than I am or have a better complexion, in that case... kiss my fatass

Post the question in comments so everyone can see...

If you need inspiration.. go see the questions and answers from before. That way we don't double up questions cuz that would be so freakin' boring.

Pretend I'm fascinating and you can't get enough of me. Pretend I have the answers to the universe. Pretend I am ...

WTF is wrong with her here?

Got it? Do it now.. I will post the answers this weekend, sometime when Im not eating, sleeping or thinking about eating or sleeping.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Oh and for those of you who are readers of Supah and her hilarious antics...

SQUEEEEeeee!

2010-06-29T04:00:00.003-06:00

Guess where I will be tonight at 8:30?

nuff said....

disclaimer... if you aint a Twilight fan I won't be a hay-tah on you. I just ask you to keep your opinions to yourself or I will send my werewolf to your house to rip your nipples off.

Let's talk about stuff where I ramble and have no idea what this post is about.

2010-06-28T04:00:00.002-06:00

What do y'all think of the word vanity?

I wouldn't think of myself as vain... I mean, I like to have my nails done and my lipstick on usually before I leave the house.. but other than that, how can I even think of myself as vain with the crap I've pulled on this blog... in front of ~~millions~~ both of my readers?

but seriously... you should see what I look like right now. You would not think I was vain at all.

So I was looking for a pic on google to post right here that would give you an idea of my appearance right at this very second and ran across this little number:

I freakin owned that shirt several years back! Yah the ugly one with the stripes... LOOK AT THE CHANGES IN KATE!

SO I googled some more... and found this:

Which picture of her do you like best?

I say the one where she stole my shirt to wear for the paparazzi...

and just a heads up...

I'm getting something else free for reviewing a product from CSN Stores. I don't want to hear any back talk about it either.. complaining that I am pimping out my readers for free stuff... pshaw! Y'all just keep quiet and laugh at my ridiculousness and I will worry about the pimping. CSN stores is HUGE! Seriously, when its time for me to spend my gift card I just click and stare for hours trying to decide what to buy. There is so much good stuff! I will tell you all about it soon.

So wait for it... it's coming.. I will make it worth your read, I promise.

Now, back to Kate... place your vote in comments please, don't let the shirt bias your vote either.. snort

I confess... I love Big Balls and I might be getting into some trouble

2010-06-24T21:52:00.004-06:00

Go play at Glamazon's place. Tell her I sent you... on second thought, don't tell her... I don't want her to know what kinda riff raff I got reading my crap over here.

I have one confession this week...

I love the BIG BALLS!<---just saying it makes you laugh doesn't it? <---if not, you are dead inside

seriously... who doesn't love this? There are nights I watch this and I am laughing to tears... pee in your pants funny.

Why would you sign up for this?

I know why.. cuz you know Chief needs her funny fix.

now...

While I am messing around... confessing shit and watching the BIG BALLS... I was relieved to finally hear that M-Cat is at last going to shut up about this:

look, the concrete is wet from her washing it.. the poor doggie in the corner is just realizing he has been replaced. So sad.

Go over and tell her how cute it is so she will finally shut up. She hounded her husband for so long about it, he sold the house, the kids and the other dog to get it for her. She is a spoiled brat.

Happy Birthday JENNFAB!

2010-06-23T03:00:00.002-06:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you... HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR JENNFAB!

happybirthdaytoyou,,,

A member of the wolf pack is another year older today and I don't want to hear any belly aching or bawling about getting older.

Getcher big girl panties on and take it like a WOMAN...

Maybe like one of these women:

it is questionable whether or not two of these women are wearing any underwear at all. Just take a minute and think about that.... I will wait here while it sinks in.

....waiting for the barf bags to fill...

I bet their panties look a little like these:

For some true blogger comedy I thought about actually getting some HUGANTEOUS panties and getting in them for you to honor your birthday but even Lane Giant doesn't have undies big enough for this fatass<---I'm lying, I just didn't have time to stop by and grab a pair so I am borrowing googles undies

I wanted to buy a pair like these...

but then I thought about your loose bowel issues and considered some of these instead...

I bought these in bulk and I have them on their way to your house in various colors to match every outfit.

at Dicks in San Antonio on the Riverwalk.. the waiters make crazy hats for you to wear that are insulting and hysterical!

Here's mine... the waiter found out I was a Mormon from Utah

I love ya Jenn and hope you have the best birthday ever!

talk to me about it.. you wont be sorry!

Head Dumbass

2010-06-22T04:00:00.003-06:00

I will try to keep this light but I am so frustrated.

I know I've gotten a ton of flack from some of the more prudish bloggers for overusing the word dumbass so if you are one of them who is still lurking, even though you called me boorish and promised never to read me again, yet I see your IP address in my analytics (you know who you are.. snort) you might want to move on to the next boring blog in your reader as mine is just way too spicy for you. I plan to use the word dumbass throughout this whole post so don't say you haven't been warned. I'm such a potty mouth ~wink

I am not a huge fan of super long posts as I have a hard time keeping my attention for longer than a few seconds so I will give you the short version.

Y'all know by now that I live with a houseful of dumbasses. It's not their fault, it's genetic<---from my mother inlaw but that doesn't make it any easier for me to deal with it all.

So here is the gist:

Duke is Head Dumbass.

The end.

He He. you need more?

Well, this is the deal. Duke has to get a total knee replacement July 7th. While this is miserable for him I think we all know who should really be getting your sympathy... ME! This bawl baby can't handle a gas pain without flopping around like a fish, crying for his mother. How is this whole thing going to work? He requires 24/7 care for a WEEK! SEVEN DAYS! I refuse to wipe his hiney.. just saying. He will be home from work for at least 4 WEEKS! Yes I typed FOUR, quatro<---for the democrats 4 weeks... OhMyHellOnEarth!

More about this coming in the next few weeks, I don't want to get into it right now.... it's too depressing for me.

So anyhackey.. he has been complaining of a stomach ache for a few days. I told him it was the birthday cake, ice cream, and taffy but I'm no professional MD. but I do believe I have found the true cause...

The knee Dr. gave him some pills for the pain in his knee. I WAS VERY NERVOUS ABOUT THE SIDE EFFECTS OF THESE PILLS! They raise your blood pressure (already an issue) and cause holes in the stomach and colon. WOW! Who would take these knowing that they will cause more problems than the pain in your knee? Well, Duke loves them and has been taking them for 2 weeks. I beg him to take them with food but I refuse to babysit anymore than I already do and I won't spoon feed him. I told him of the side effects and how he is NOT to take them with any other meds either.

So his stomach hurts all weekend and today I ask him "Head Dumbass, what have you eaten today?"

to which he replies "not much".

Then I say "have you taken the 'death' pills on an empty stomach?"

to which he says "I can't eat if my stomach hurts!"

me "So then you shouldn't take the pills, REMEMBER?"

head dumbass says "I don't want to hear it! The pills aren't even helping the pain anymore anyway so I have had to take ibuprofen like chiclets all day!"

"hmmm... and you say you have a stomach ache?" I ask dumbfounded

and he ends the conversation with "THANKS FOR THE SYMPATHY CHIEF! Nothing like getting your ass chewed when you feel like shit!"

sigh... !

This is going to be the longest summer of my life. Someone please come take at least one of my dumbasses away so I'm not so outnumbered.

What say Ye?

2010-06-21T04:00:00.000-06:00

Put yer caption on this pic.

C'mon... I know you've got something to say about this....

14 years with Bud... how have we done it?

2010-06-20T04:00:00.001-06:00

(warning: partial re-post)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BUD!

I found a few pictures that describe the adventure that has been the past 14 years with Bud. No one can adequately describe what life with Bud has been like as he is as unique as a $3 bill. Hopefully these pictures can give a bit of a glimpse.

Age 1

Age 2

2 years and already working the phones

By 18 months we had to Bud proof the house. We bungeed ovens, dishwashers and fridges shut. We even used bungees to hold the kitchen chair legs together under the table so that he wouldn't use them to wreck havoc or get himself killed.

This about sums up Bud's whole personality.

He LOVED The Price is Right and Blues Clues. He had every Blues Clues gizmo, gadget and replica known to man. Here he is singing with his Blue. Cute Bud.

Hmmm...how did he get up there? I can guarantee that those chairs are bungeed together under that table. Dude that is a couple of U.G.L.Y. couches.

Age 7 at the Salt Lake Bees game. (baseball)

Age 8 Fisherman's Wharf CA

We enrolled him in a hip hop dance class for a few years and he really loved showing his 'tude. He was one "bad" dude.

He started football at age 11. I had always said we could try it when he was 12. Not only was it hard holding his dad off that long, his pediatrician took one look at him at his yearly check up and told me I was crazy not to let him play. "He will not be the one to get hurt in a collision" he said. "He is built for the game and somewhere there is a team out there searching for a player just like him." Dad was thrilled, Bud was scared and so was mom and we forked over the wad of cash and registered. I have to admit, it was the best thing we could have done for him. His confidence, body image, self esteem, social skills, work ethic and overall health have benefited so much from the two years he has played. He has a real talent and improves every day he is on the field. (He is also dang cute when he's all decked out in his uniform.)

The whole family; Nana, Papa, Aunt Lindsey, Uncle Jay and baby Connor all come out to see him play each week. I wonder some times if he is as excited as the rest of us for the season to start.

Cabo San Lucas 2010

I feel old this year. Other birthdays have come and gone and I don't seem as effected as I do this year. Maybe it's because this year he is getting an electric razor for his birthday. Something just seems wrong about that!

We love our Bud.

To catch some of the Conversations with Bud (which are a serious crack up) click on the tag below "conversations with bud"

A tribute to dads

2010-06-19T13:53:00.001-06:00

Happy Fathers Day! (Today is Bud's Birthday too, I will add a post later dedicated to that bundle of adolescent joy sometimes this weekend as well)

So Toothsoap is hosting a contest to show off our dad photos so I dug through the archives and pulled some of my favorites. I'm not going to pick just one and if it disqualifies me then, thats OK... rules are rules and I am not one for breaking the rules (snort)

Here is one of my favorites because neither of them knew I was snapping pictures. Booger and Duke installing our new floor. Booger ALWAYS has to be with dad when there's "fixin' stuff" to do. He was just 3 years old here.

My dad and Bud fishing at Strawberry Reservoir. Duke was there too (he's taking the pics). Obviously Bud caught 2 fish that day :) Bud was 8 years old.

Duke and Bud. This was our trip to Washington. Bud was just barely a year.

If you've been a reader of mine for a while you have seen this pic. It's still a fave for me. Duke giving Bud the "OLD FATHER, SON FOOTBALL TIPS" I doubt Bud was listening. He was 12 here. As you can see Duke has the uniform, the hat and the whole get-up ready to go for every game.

This is one that makes me smile and breaks my heart all at the same time. Duke and his Dad in our very first house doing some handiwork. His dad was one of my most favoritest people in the world. Cancer took him way too young. I MISS YOU MOOSE!

So there are my contributions. All winners if you ask me. HAPPY FATHERS DAY EVERYONE!

GLAM...Forgive me for I have sinned....

2010-06-17T21:46:00.002-06:00

you know I made that button.. right?

Im gonna confess some stuff today because I need it. It's one thing us Mormon's don't have that I am jealous about with the Catholics. Trust Glamazon to bring Catholicism to this respectable Mormon blog.

Here goes...

Forgive me Glam for I have sinned...

1. I am a really cranky biotch when I have PMS. I can't do anything, speak correctly or find the gas tank release lever on my car and I get really pissed off. I know why Im cranky and I know I shouldn't be mean to people but I don't give a shitster. I need my uterus removed.

2. I am super, uber competetive. I would compete with Obama as King Douchebag even though deep down I know he has that title carved in stone on BP's Headquarter Cornerstone, just because I should be #1 at anything and everything. It is why I have to take the little yellow pill at night.

3. I take a little yellow pill. I have to or I may peel my face off with a spackle knife. I suffer from depression and have my entire life. The yellow pill helps me function but also deadens the feeling that most of you feel through out the day. I dont have swooping ups and downs and my sex drive is in the toilet. It is hereditary and I am scared for my children who show signs occasionally of the illness. Depression isn't fictional or something that is controlled without medication to balance seratonin. This is why I call it an illness. Sometimes I feel inferior for having to take the pill, but mostly I feel blessed that it exists so that I can function as a wife, mother, employee, daughter, sister and friend. It doesn't make me perfect (ahem... not that I don't try). It just allows me life.

4. I am fiercely loyal. I will stick by you forever once I break down the barriers and let you into my heart. It takes a while to get there, but once you do... you have a friend for life and I will do anything for you. ANYTHING.

5. If you are a friend and you hurt me... it will crush me. Just as if I hurt you (inadvertantly) I will be equally as devastated. My friends are part of my family.

6. I have a few occupations. One is a Publishing Mom for Macaroni Kid. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS JOB! My family works together to bring community activities and events to local parents. I work for an amazing national organization full of moms just like me. We have enjoyed concerts, restaurants, classes and products we would never have done without this opportunity. It is amazing and if you are someone who loves their community and loves, getting busy with events and exploring new hobbies with your family... this is the job for you! Contact me for the scoop. I PROMISE YOU WILL LOVE IT!

7. I love Glamazon. She is one of the people described in #5. I'm thinking about selling the money pit of a house I live in, buying an RV and moving up to her neighborhood and parking in her backyard. I think she won't mind.

talk to me about it.. you wont be sorry!

Wordless Wednesday - DDoR STYLE YO!

2010-06-16T12:46:00.000-06:00

talk to me about it.. you wont be sorry!

Does this mean I'm Ellie May?

2010-06-15T15:37:00.001-06:00

Four years ago I broke down and bought a trampoline. This was a HUGE deal for the kids as I had swore to them they would never have a tramp as long as I was their mother.

But I lied. and I bought them one. I guess I'm determined to have them break at least one bone in their lifetime. I've never had one and I'm starting to think it may be a right of passage somehow.

anyhoodle...

It lasted a couple of years, braving the Utah freezing winters and scorching hot summers as I refused to take the sumbitch down for winter after the hell I went through to get it together the first time. So the springs rusted and the material tore and yet just like The Clampett's from Beverly Hills we left the tired POS out in the yard and the kids continued to play with it for another few years.

Well, the time came when there was no other use for it and the kids threw the remains in the trash bin.. <---last night..

and the inevitable question was raised...

Mom? NOW can we get a new trampoline?

SHIEET! Can we get one pre-assembled for hell sakes?

UGH!

So needless to say I just got home from Wal-Mart with the dreaded new trampoline. I have "THE BOYS" out attempting to put it together. I can't bring myself to go out and help yet, the memories are still too raw. I guess I will just wait here until Duke comes in pissed off and Booger is following behind crying because he pinched his fingers on the springs and Bud is trapped inside the mat with a pole in his ass rolling around screaming for someone to call 911.

Yeah.. I think I will hold off and wait for that. I have been looking for a source of entertainment...

WAIT! I'm gonna go get a picture for y'all...

Hold the line please...

I will be back in a jiffy.

K.. downloading pics from camera.... stay on the line a bit longer... here.. grab a book...

K... all set...

yes, that is the remnants of trash all over the backyard. and Booger lounging in a chair. and yes, that is duke in pajama pants.... (Let me tell you 'bout a story of a man named Jed, a poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed... )

the more I took a look around I saw where all the boys socks have gone... it seems when Bud mows the lawn he ignores anything in his path.

My family seems to have problems keeping their laundry where it should be lately.. dontcha think?

(then one day he was shootin' at some food.. when up through the ground came a bubblin' crude...)

(Oil that is... Black Gold... Texas Tea...)

talk to me about it.. you wont be sorry!

"Conversations with Booger".....Look What I Found!

2010-06-14T04:47:00.003-06:00

Booger: the 9 year old wonder boy: "Mom... Mom..... MOOOOM!"

Chief: sigh... "What Boog?"

Booger: "Look what I have on?"

....he pulls the side of his pants on to show me his boxer briefs

Chief: confused "Underwear? You want me to see your underwear?"

Booger: proud a peacock "Yup! I found them when I cleaned my room. Did you know I had like 10 pair under my bed? I bet they've been there a whole year or something."

Chief: "Super... so I can assume you will grace us with underwear for at least 10 days?"

Booger: "Huh?"

P.S. For my Utah peeps, I have a Giveaway going on for Eclipse Premier "Private Showing" tickets and a $20 gift card to Rock Creek Pizza over at FB Macaroni Kid. Go "like" my MK page so you wont miss out on the announcement tonight on how you can win A NIGHT OUT WITHOUT THE KIDDOS!

MK Facebook

Shout Out for the Tooth Fairy!

2010-06-12T14:31:00.002-06:00

BECAUSE I LOVE TOOTHSOAP® AND I WANT YOU TO LOVE IT TOO!

Tooth Soap® wants to hear your Fairy Best Tooth Fairy Tale !

A sweet Tooth Fairy Moment?

Your first lost tooth?

A time the Tooth Fairy got caught?

How you got that ONE tooth out !?

Your first encounter with the tooth fairy?

Tell us a tale and you could win !

All stories are welcome!

Winner receives Tooth Soap® " Fairy Awesome Tooth Soap® pack !"

Tooth soap®
Tooth Swish
Tooth Brightener

annnnnddddd

A personalized Tooth Fairy Pillow : offered by the one and only Tooth Fairy!

( ships to US contestants only )

WANT TO BUY one NOW? CLICK HERE- tell her Supahmommy Sent you.

TO enter:

Put this button in your post and on your sidebar ! ( BOTH PLACES PLEASE)

Then link up your blog post / story below .

Submissions will be closed Tuesday June 15th.

Winner will be announced Wednesday June 16th on all 4 blogs at their convenience ! WINNER must RESIDE in the US for the PILLOW . US AND CANADA ONLY FOR THE TS PRODUCTS

We chucked the toothpaste and have switched to Tooth Soap®. Tooth Soap® is wicked awesome stuff...

Thank you to the following blogs for hosting! We are all Tooth Soap® users!

talk to me about it.. you wont be sorry I make money in my jammies on my couch!

I ramble but I get to the point eventually

2010-06-10T05:46:00.001-06:00

There's this blogger <---who Im sure is a real person even though I've never seen her in real life, unless you count facebook and twitter as real life then yeah, I guess I've met her somewhat.

Anyway.. one time.. she made Duke a cake and sent it clear across the country to him on his birthday.. it made me cry and Chief don't cry.

She sews stuff too... and makes stuff with yarn and I'm sure she makes frosting from scratch. UGH! You know one of those irritating people? We all know at least one.<---I promise I am going somewhere with this. Don't get your ~~panties~~ drawers in a wad... (panties... such a disgusting word.. let me use drawers instead, hold on and I will strike it out up there and be back in a sec...)

K.. there, much more ladylike, where was I?

So her name is Laurie and we've been URL friends for as long as I've been an online figment of your imagination. She is one of those people I would LOVE to meet in person. I don't think she would irritate me or make me want to throat punch her or anything. She probably wouldn't fart like Supah or snore like Melissa or get the runs every 5 minutes like Jenn....

SHE IS THAT GREAT!

I know it's hard to believe someone like this exists, but she does.

I think you should go see her cute girls in their adorable (I'm sure handmade) dresses. I just think more than the 37 people who follow her should get to see how great she is. Why do we get to hoard her... for ourselves? I'm a sharer.. not a hoarder.. unless its ice cream and then you better back your shizbit off.

So if you are looking for a great friend to make you look bad and untalented, go check out Laurie.

I was not compensated in anyway for this endorsement and she is probaby going to kill me through email in T minus 15 minutes... ready, set, start the clock!<---snort

talk to me about it.. you wont be sorry!

Farmer Bud and What I Meant to Say

2010-06-09T04:00:00.001-06:00

Go ahead.... click and play..

You know how, it's the same as its been since the beginning! So go do it.. now... I will wait here.

SO I got a phone call last week from a funny little neighbor. His name is "Dave" and he is stinking adorable. Let me paint the picture for ya:

Dave is about 5 feet tall and about 4 feet wide. I say he is in his 60's, but it is hard to say for sure. He doesn't get much into the fashion scene as it isn't unusual to see him in a hawaiian shirt and pajama bottoms at the near by convenience store grabbing a coke on ice. He is a country boy who has lived in our neighborhood for years and years... way before our subdivision was built. I have lost count of how many grown kids he has because at any one time there might be 10 people hanging around and you aren't sure who resides there. Im sure the census people are still trying to figure his numbers out.

I love Dave. Dave is a farmer. He sells stuff out of the back of his truck in his driveway. He teaches Bud's Sunday School class and it is a ritual for Bud to come home and tell us how long Dave slept in class while all the kids played trash can basketball each Sunday. What a hoot!

So anyway... he called the house late one night last week and asked if Bud was busy the next day to help him plant some of his crops. Part of me thought "You should really check with Bud before committing him to hard labor in the summer heat" and then of course the other part of me thought "Oh, hells no! Good dirty hard labor for a punk 14 year old kid is just what I've been looking for! When does he start? I can get him outta bed and have him there in 15 minutes!"

This is what I said:
"Why absolutely DAVE! He would love to. He will be over right after to school with bells on. Do you need him to bring any tools?" he he he

SO the next day Bud drug his adolescent behind over to Dave's to learn how to plant peas. Dave drove him about 5 miles out into a 50 acre field, handed him a hoe and a sack of seeds and left him there alone to learn how to farm. Dave mentioned to me on the phone that he would pay him and I used that to convince Bud to try it and see how he liked it. Money talks with a 14 year old as he is fully aware that he will be purchasing his own wheels when he gets his license. He has saved $150 over the past year and half and I joke with him all the time that he has enough for 1 tire and a tank of gas.... snort... poor little bugger.

So anyway, Bud gets home after 4 and a half hours covered in dirt and sweat and blisters all over his hands. His smile is a mile wide. Of course, this is Bud.. always smiling, always optimistic...

He holds up a wad of cash and yells CHA CHING! YIPPEE!

I smile as I hold my breath to avoid the vile stink coming from his nasty pits and ask how it went.

He exclaimed "TWELVE DOLLARS! Can you believe that? He paid me 3 dollars an hour just for planting seeds! AND GUESS WHAT MOM? HE IS LETTING ME COME BACK TOMORROW! This is so awesome. I'm going to have the most crazy cool car huh?

so I said "Wow son, that is totally awesome. I had no idea he would pay you that much... you are one lucky kid." he he

WHAT I MEANT TO SAY was...

"I must be doing something right :)"

talk to me about it.. you wont be sorry!

Duke is phonetarded & my blogging is the sh*ts

2010-06-08T12:41:00.001-06:00

You may have noticed over the past few months that my posts have been.... well....

THE SHITS

I know, I know... I suck

But school is out now and I know for some of you that means less blogging. For me it means....

BRING IT ON BA-BAY!

So stick around cuz this shidizzle is just getting started.

not me BTW, I prefer a recliner when I blog

So here's a tidbit of what's been happening in the nuthouse:

Duke got a new phone and for weeks Bud and I have been trying to teach him how to text. Day in and day out he would email or IM me and then talk about what an amazing invention texting was. It has taken me forever to explain the difference between email, texting, blogging, tweeting and instant message. I think it would be easier to just set up hoot suite where he can run everything from one screen and he wouldn't have to know how or why he was getting correspondence, just that the little words were landing on his screen. Does anyone out there know a better solution for his fancy blackberry that is WAY more advanced than his "good ole small town boy" mind can handle?

His newest discovery is the "smilicons" and I keep getting little faces with each text. Seriously.. we gotta get this dumbass a hobby! Anyone need a handyman<---seriously that is a whole different post!

It's good to be back

See ya again real soon! Bud has decided to become a farmer... Im gonna tell you about it as soon as I get some good pictures.

talk to me about it.. you wont be sorry!

Where the hell am I?

2010-06-07T09:21:00.004-06:00

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

Is this Chief's place?

HELLLOOOOO!!!!!!

snort

Isn't my new digs awesome possum?

Did you know I have the coolest cousin in the world? She is so smart and creative too. I remember when we were little we used to put on plays and concerts for the adults at family parties. I would look up to her because she could play the violin like Charlie Daniels<---ha ha

Guess what else?

She is a fantastic REAL FANCY PANTS graphic designer, and has partnered with her colleague to create PIXEL REMODEL, a new online web & blog design firm. Between the two designers, they have almost 32 years of professional design experience, and have worked at Microsoft, Expedia, and ESPN, among countless other clients. They have a special affinity for mommy bloggers, as they are both moms of young children!

See the cute little button over on my sidebar that looks like this?

I seriously told her the colors I like... told her what types of things I hate<---which believe me took up a whole email and VOILA! Here it is. I didn't have to cry, stomp my feet or anything when I wanted a change... POOF! She handled it. What I love most? My place in space doesn't look like anyone else's out there... nope I'm unique.

Check out their new website at PIXEL REMODEL if you'd like to have a blog or website that's totally unique and professionally designed.

AND STINKING AWESOME LIKE MINE
((((echo, echo, echo))))

Go ahead push my buttons... see what happens. I will wait...

Fun huh? I still plan on making some more doo dads but I couldn't wait to show you all my spiffy new digs.

talk to me about it.. you wont be sorry!

WHO WINS THE Tooth Soap for their furry friend?

2010-06-03T21:42:00.001-06:00

THANK YOU TO ALLLL OF THE ADORABLE ENTRANTS in The Tooth Soap® Cutest Pet Pic Contest! It was so hard to choose!

drumroll please

The THREE Photo Finalists for Tooth Soap® Cutest Pet Pic Contest are:

Winner will be announced sometime Next Tuesday on all three blogs

and

talk to me about it.. you wont be sorry!

Monday Memorial Minute with Ian

2010-05-30T22:28:00.001-06:00

Playing with Ian again this week. He's cheap and easy.. try him out.

1 - Have you or a family member joined the military?

How far back do you want me to go. MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY? No. Both of my uncles and my grandfathers are veterans though.

2 - Have you or a family member served his/her country in times of war?

Grandpas and Father In Law have served in times of war

3 - What's your favorite BBQ food?

Yes, please. ahem...I mean what is there I DON'T EAT at a bar-b-que? OH! I thought of something.. I don't like bar-b-que sauce. I like to taste my meat and if you buy good meat you shouldn't need to cover up the flavor. I make a mean macaroni salad for those who are interested.

pause...

and I hate smores (GASP!<---can we still be friends?)

4 - Do you fart in public?

Puhlease.. do you want my insides to explode? I can't hold that kind of force in. My ab muscles are just not that strong. (which leads me to a question I have wanted to ask but never felt the time was right. Don't you think I should have 6 pack abs after all of the weight they have to carry everyday? It doesn't make sense.<---hmm.. I doubt the time was right now either.. sorry.. snort)

5 - What's the one question that if it shows up on a Monday Minute, you refuse to take part?

I don't talk sex. Makes my toenails curl. Im just way classier than that... snort again. Seriously though. Not mah thang.

talk to me about it.. you wont be sorry!

(Hiding from the Kids)

Conversations With Big Brained Bud

Bud: "How does Maggie function with such a small brain?" Me: "What the hell is wrong with you?" Bud: "Im just saying... humans have huge brains and yet I barely get by every day" Me: "Wow... profound"...as I watch Maggie clean her own ass

Damn I love that dog kid

Happy Holidays From the Crazies 2011

Thanks! For minding your own business! *winkie winkie*

What's Bud Snortin?

Just a ton of Random Crap

Obesity in America

Conversation with Booger - Somethings you just don't need to know.

Where the hell have I been?

Did someone say, outdoor playset? IN THIS WEATHER? he he

Let's talk about goggles shall we?

Why sons should ALWAYS sit with their mothers on ferrys

What have I been doing for 14 years?

I have an idea for a great new invention.... THE "GOODIE" SNAPPER-OFFER

I got 'Legit' Street 'Cred'

Conversations with "The boys"

What will you buy today?

Who wants to talk about S.E.X. anyway... NOT ME!

Let me take advantage of you for a minute.

I have found a mate for my son... I think she can set him straight

How I almost smashed a skinny b*tch at Costco

Pain is a Feeling - Serious Sunday

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all.

People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit.

Love hurts.

Feelings are disturbing.

People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous.

How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel?

Pain is meant to wake us up.

People try to hide their pain.

But they're wrong.

Pain is something to carry, like a radio.

You feel your strength in the experience of pain.

It's all in how you carry it.

That's what matters.

Pain is a feeling.

Your feelings are a part of you.

Your own reality.

If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality.

You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.

-Jim Morrison

(and BTW I'm fine.. no need to be alarmed. Just deep in thought... move along, nothing to see here.)

PLEASE make her shut UP already!

Just when you think no one is watching

IT'S GETTING fareaking CRAZY around HERE!

Novica... Amazing products from amazing artists

What hurts worse ... Highlights or head bashing?

I just can't conform to society....

I'll say ... What ever she said

A test to see if M-Cat reads

What to buy for my new, clean organized kitchen

Another year has passed.... and he is still an old fart

Mabel's Labels

How a corn cob in my bed changed my life

Conversations with Who?

Try not to smile.. I dare ya

Why I Go to Work Each Day

Wedding Tag: I must be damned bored to work this hard on a post.

TO MY SISTER LINDSEY:

Why I should never leave the boys home alone

Medical Conversations with Duke

Chief's bawlin! Im so embarrassed!

Bring Your "Baby" to Work Day

Collision!

Own It, Work It, Love It

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SUPAHMOMMY!

Monday Minute

Conversations With Bud... Antelope Testicles

I made need a security detail

Random crap.. like my posts aren't normally crap

Duke update: Sorry this is all my life consists of right now, so suck it up and read

Medical Conversations with Duke

Q & A with Chiefy!

Why Im so jacked up... It's the people I hang with

Where is Chief?

Update on the VOTE

You know you want to... You know you can't stand it....

SQUEEEEeeee!

Bud: "How does Maggie function with such a small brain?"

Me: "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Bud: "Im just saying... humans have huge brains and yet I barely get by every day"

Me: "Wow... profound"...as I watch Maggie clean her own ass

Thanks! For minding your own business! winkie winkie